Chapter Twenty-Four: The Change
Better Title: Beau Hates His Parents

Yep, he’s a vampire. After the last chapter I was 59% sure this chapter would open with Beau staying human thanks to some sort of vampire anti-venom or prophecy. But he’s a vampire — a real vampire.

The transformation period, which seemed to last for half of Breaking Dawn and most of my adult life, is described in a scant few pages here. Beau suffers through the fevers and the pain, but comes out the other side rather quickly and without ANY need for human blood.

Even Bella, the strongest and most wonderful of all vampires, needed to suck down a few pints of human juice to get through the transformation and/or pregnancy, but after Beau’s heart stops and his skin goes cold, he doesn’t crave so much as a cherry Slurpee. Continue reading →

Chapter Twenty-Three: The Choice
Better Title: Well…That Was Quick

So there I was, reading this dumb-dumb book and nodding my head as the story chugs along just as it did in the original Twilight. And then I get to the last few paragraphs of this chapter and — Ka-Boom! Things are different!

Stephenie Meyer actually changed the story?! Continue reading →

Chapter Twenty-One: Phone Call
Better Title: I Don’t Know What’s Happening Anymore

Good news: This is a short chapter.

Bad news: I don’t understand anything.

We’re still in the hotel room with Beau, Jessamine and Archie. Archie says Edythe is flying to Arizona and will be arriving at nine in the morning. I remember having issue with this in the first book because airplanes fly high above the clouds, so even in cloudy Forks, WA there would be bright yellow sunshine erupting all over Edythe’s face during the flight. Moreover, she’s landing in sunny Arizona where the sun is so bright it can shine through an Irishman’s complexion with the clarity of an X-Ray.

Am I wrong here? Am I missing something?

Vampires sparkle violently in the sun, so…how’s this working out? Vampire venom, I assume. Or maybe Edythe is covered in makeup. Whatever the reason, I’d appreciate it if Stephenie Meyer at least acknowledged that the sun is bright and the vampires have somehow turned off their sparkles. Continue reading →

Chapter Twenty: Impatient
Better Title: Bromance Brewing

Here’s how Stephenie Meyer would write a joke:

Q: What happens when you cross a hot dog with a birdcage?
A: The punchline was announced elsewhere. You needn’t worry about such things.

That’s how this chapter feels. Instead of showing us the hunt, instead of describing how Eleanor and Edythe try to catch the evil vampire Joss, the author instead focuses on how Beau deals with an empty hotel room.

Instead of showing us Eleanor fighting Joss in the mountains while thunder cracks and wolves howl, we’re treated to Beau describing a digital clock. A digital clock?!! I didn’t sludge through all 200-plus pages of this boo-hoo tale of misery just so I could listen to a boring person tell another boring person that Eleanor is doing rad stuff. I WANT TO SEE IT! Show me! Continue reading →

Chapter Nineteen: Goodbyes
Better Title: Beau Gets Carried Away

We’re now into the third act of the story, which is terrible. But of course it is!

Third acts are difficult and often aren’t very good. If you don’t like a movie or book, it’s probably the third act’s fault. In the standard three act structure, character and situations are introduced in the first, the characters try to deal with the situation in the second, and in the beginning of the third act, the characters are at their lowest point but rise up against impossible odds by the end.

It’s basic stuff that you can find in any budget-priced scriptwriting book. Make a list of 100 popular stories, and 95 of them will follow this structure. But the third act is where things typically either fall apart, or flat-out don’t make sense.

Even the best storytellers have problems in the third act. Remember Steven Spielberg’s A.I.? The first two thirds of the movie are cool and interesting. And then…it’s not so cool. So if good storytellers have trouble with third acts, what’s Stephenie Meyer to do?! Continue reading →

Chapter Eighteen: The Hunt
Better Title: This Makes No Sense

While reading these books, the question comes up as to how, or even if, these books were edited. What type of professional editor would let this nonsensical drivel through the gates of publishing?

After thinking about this for six long years, I still don’t have a great answer. The sad, awful truth of the publishing industry is that it lacks reason. The greatest manuscript in the world can be easily overlooked in favor of word diarrhea and if you asked the publishing team why, the answer will probably be one of the following;

1. Money – The book has been focus group tested and is statistically crafted to sell, no matter the quality.
2. Dumb Luck Continue reading →

Chapter Seventeen: The Game
Better Title: Eleanor’s Jeep

This is a good Twilight chapter, one of the few that stands out as being not a miserable collection of poorly chosen words. It might even by my favorite. But that’s like picking a favorite headache — even the best ones hurt.

Here we watch the vampires play baseball during the thunderstorm. It might be the one shining moment in which the vampires have genuine fun. During the rest of the series, the vampires are glum chums who whine about perfection the same way an 80s comedian whined about airplane food. But here they’re actually having a good time. More of this please. Less of the glares and schmaltzy comments about life and love and shadows and pain and longing and consequences and desire and warmth, and you can lose the whole baby-dating thing too. Continue reading →

Chapter Sixteen: Carine
Better Title: Marcus!

The idea of The Volturi is a good one — a secret, byzantine order of ancient vampires hidden in old European locales who have strict codes of conduct and blur the line between monsters and dignitaries. It sounds like a terrific Guillermo del Toro movie.

But Stephenie Meyer’s brain is like a Instagram filter that ruins good ideas with pathetic effects. The result is a subplot that’s boring when it should be intriguing and funny when it should be scary. She ruins everything. If Stephenie Meyer had an idea for a cheesecake, it would be filled with raisins and have toothpaste icing.

In this chapter, Edythe delves further into Carine’s backstory and I realize the word “delve” is fun to say. Delve. Sounds like a forbidden number that hides between 12 and 13. From now on, let’s all agree to call 12.5, delve. And 12:30 will now be delve o’clock. Deal? Continue reading →