Chapter Sixteen: Carine
Better Title: Marcus!
The idea of The Volturi is a good one — a secret, byzantine order of ancient vampires hidden in old European locales who have strict codes of conduct and blur the line between monsters and dignitaries. It sounds like a terrific Guillermo del Toro movie.
But Stephenie Meyer’s brain is like a Instagram filter that ruins good ideas with pathetic effects. The result is a subplot that’s boring when it should be intriguing and funny when it should be scary. She ruins everything. If Stephenie Meyer had an idea for a cheesecake, it would be filled with raisins and have toothpaste icing.
In this chapter, Edythe delves further into Carine’s backstory and I realize the word “delve” is fun to say. Delve. Sounds like a forbidden number that hides between 12 and 13. From now on, let’s all agree to call 12.5, delve. And 12:30 will now be delve o’clock. Deal?
Carine’s backstory is cool, but, of course, is a pinata filled with cliche candy. After Dr. Care-Bear Cullen was bitten, she refused to bite humans and lived a wild life in the London sewers before swimming to France and then heading to Italy. That story of a good vampire roaming Europe has all the markings of a quality AMC TV show for Mature Audiences. The story could be better than The Walking Dead because it would actually have a conclusion.
Speaking of The Walking Dead…
THE WALKING DEAD IS JUST DEPRESSING! It’s porn for people who hate feeling good. It’s just miserable. It’s the fictional version of the shelter dog commercial, minus the Sarah McLachlan song. (And ten points to me for spelling McLachlan right!) I liked The Walking Dead at first, but after four seasons, I realized this show is just going to slowly crawl along like a decaying zombie. There is no end! There will never be a satisfying conclusion to that narrative!! It’s all just death and moaning! Every episode needs to come with a happy, friendly Hallmark card and a hug.
Game of Thrones, you’d better end well or else I’m putting you on the list too.
Back to Carine. In Italy she met up with the Volturi and appreciated their sophisticated take on vampire culture, though she objected to the diet. There is a good chance I read this wrong, so please forgive me, but I think the Volturi have been slightly gender swapped this time around.
Edythe says the head vampires are:
Sulpicia
Athenodora
And…Marcus! Marcus is back, and he’s still a man!?
Or is he a woman named Marcus? Maybe they call her Markie. That’d be cute.
No matter the gender, Marcus is awesome…at least in my mind. In the books I don’t think he does much besides tell Aro that Bella and Edward like each other, which is akin to having the observational power to know that ice cubes are cold and Miley Cyrus enjoys pot.
But in my mind, where the books glow with the fire of jetpacks, Marcus is the silly uncle who shows up drunk during the holidays carrying a banjo that he’ll never play. I love ya, Markie. You be you, man. You be you!
While Carine was in Italy, she took an interest in medicine and became a nurse, because this was before women could be doctors. (See how the book is teaching us?!) She came to America because she wanted to change things up and was tired of the Volturi killing people. She could have reported them to the police, saving countless lives, but for more on why the Cullens are worthless sacks of garbage who are accessories to millions of murders, hunt down most every Blogging Twilight I’ve written since the end of New Moon.
In America, Carine saved Edythe and the two then wrangled up a family of followers including Eleanor, who isn’t in this chapter because she’s probably securing the perimeter at the real-life Jurassic Park.
Towards the end of the chapter, Edythe and Beau talk about love and Beau says he’s not afraid of her. Then Edythe growls and pounces on Beau in a playful manner. She can’t have sex with Beau for fear that she’ll lose control, but roughhousing and baring her teeth is a-ok. Makes sense. [Sarcasm hand]
Archie and Jessamine pop into the room and say there’s going to be a storm tonight, which means the vampires can play baseball.
If I recall correctly, I liked the upcoming baseball scene. But now that genders have been swapped, I just don’t know how to feel…
Murmurs/Mumbles/Mutters: 2
Total: 73
Prediction
EDYTHE: We have visitors from Italy. I want you to meet Sulpicia, she is queen of all vampires.
BEAU: Nice to meet you.
EDYTHE: And this is Athenodora — she is wise and powerful.
BEAU: Hello. And who’s that guy? The one on the Segway scooter?
EDYTHE: That’s just Marcus. He’s the third-most powerful vampire of them all.
BEAU: Hi Marcus.
MARCUS: Not yet, but it’s early. BOOM!
EDYTHE: Marcus, this is my boyfriend Beau.
MARCUS: Psst…I think Beau has a crush on you, Edythe.
EDYTHE: Well, we’re dating. So…
MARCUS: Cool. Cool. Just letting you know. So, anyone wanna buy a jetski? I know a guy trying to sell a jetski.
BEAU: Um…no thanks.
MARCUS: If you give me a dollar, I’ll tell you who has a crush on your dad.
BEAU: Eww. No.
MARCUS: Nine dollars?
BEAU: …
MARCUS: I wear my gym shorts under my cloak so I don’t have to change in the locker room.
BEAU: What locker room? What are you talking about?
MARCUS: I’m a powerful vampire with powers. [Stands on tiptoes] I’m so freakin’ viper!
BEAU: [Murmurs to Edythe] And he’s the third most powerful vampire of them all?
MARCUS: Did you know that Prince Harry is attracted to Selena Gomez? Hey Sulpicia, what happens if I behave on this trip? Tell them what happens.
SULPICIA: If Marcus behaves on this trip, he’s getting a turtle.
MARCUS: You’re goddamn right, I am.
BEAU: I expected the vampire leaders to be…I don’t know what I expected.
[Marcus grabs Athenodora’s lip balm from her backpack]
ATHENODORA: Swiper, no swiping!
QUIL: Hey, Dora. My boyfriend is a huge, huge fan. Can I have your autograph?
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