Chapter Fifteen: The Cullens
Better Title: Where’s Eleanor?

First, and most importantly, after many weeks of sleepless nights, and long conversations with my own ceiling, I have decided to open the Star Wars Lego Advent calendar this year. Yay! It’s going to be fun, especially since this December will be crazy with Star Wars stuff!

The calendar shall be opened beginning December 1st, right here on LaserFarm.com. If this is your first time experiencing the calendar, please take a few hours and weeks and read through the previous blogs.

Year One
Year Two
Year Three – The most terrible year. Still angry.
Year Four
Year Five

If you don’t have the time to read through all that, here’s the gist: I want a Lego Mrs. Claus. I know I won’t get one again this year, but there’s always hope. Right? RIGHT? Is this hopeless?

Speaking of hopeless…Twilight is bad. Here’s why this chapter is wrong.

It begins with Beau waking up and being filled with joy because Edythe has stayed the night and watched him sleep. This was written before smartphones, so I’m not sure what Edythe does all night.

Is she literally sitting there, watching Beau? She didn’t bring a magazine or anything? I’m reminded of the Seinfeld episode in which Elaine’s boyfriend, David Puddy, just sits and looks straight ahead during an airplane flight. Elaine asks if he’s going to read something or listen to music and just says, “No.” He’s going to simply sit. This causes Elaine and Puddy to break up.

I get that Edythe is wrapped up in all that is Beau, but come on. She has to be bored. You can love something and still get bored watching it. I get bored watching popcorn pop in the microwave, and I love popcorn.

Hate to say it, but I don’t think this story is realistic.

So Edythe and Beau are having a cutesy-cute morning and we all say “Aww!” while they chat about breakfast and Beau says, “I love you,” and Edythe says, “You are my life now.”

As you probably know if you’ve followed my social media life, I still use “You are my life now.” Always, and forever. It’s still ridiculous.

Beau eats a bowl of cereal and he nearly chokes but then…I’m opening the Star Wars Calendar! Is it December yet?! Can I open it early? WHY NOT?! Maybe I’ll get a Christmas Chewbacca! If you open a different calendar, and you get a Mrs. Claus, wanna trade? I’ll trade you something good! What do you think will be behind the first day? Don’t answer that. That was a friendship test. DON’T SPOIL THIS FOR ME! I try my best to not even look at the box. My girlfriend wraps the box so I can’t peek at the cover art, because the cover art will ruin the magic and Christmas! ONE TIME I GOT A NAKED SANTA! And one time I got a jetpack astronaut! December is so far! It’s not fair! Star Wars!

I’m going to regret asking this, because even typing it might make it somehow come true, but can you imagine a Lego Twilight Advent Calendar?

Day 1: Lego Bella
Day 2: Bella’s Truck
Day 3: It’s empty because of love and feelings. Use this day to contemplate life.
Day 4: One Lego Ravioli
Day 5: Lego Shirtless Edward
Day 6: Edward’s hair
Day 7: A wet grey brick that represents the weather
Day 8: Lego tree
Day 9: Lego Optimus Beyonce (Baby)
Day 10: Adult legs for Lego Optimus Beyonce so she can grow up in a single day
Day 11: Comb and hair bows
Day 12: Lego Jacob
Day 13: More Edward Hair
Day 14: Lego Italian Fountain
Day 15: Lego Charlie (There are already dozens of Lego cop figures, so this is easy)
Day 16: Bella’s Lego bed
Day 17: Lego chair for Lego Edward to Lego sit and watch Lego Bella Lego sleep
Day 18: Lego Quil’s white van with “Candy?” written on it.
Day 19: More hair bows
Day 20: Lego Jasper with two faces – One expression is stoic and blank, the other is also stoic and blank.
Day 21: Emmett’s sword stilts
Day 22: Lego Emmett
Day 23: Mrs. Claus
Day 24: A note saying, “And then Christmas occurred.” — because Twilight always ends in disappointment.

(I’d like to point out that the above list originally included a joke about Quil and the baby Jesus, but I deleted it because it made even me feel uncomfortable. You’re welcome!)

Edythe asks if Beau would like to meet her family, and Beau reluctantly agrees. Edythe says her brother Archie has already had a vision of Beau coming over but explains that Archie’s predictions are only about 75% accurate. I don’t remember that form the original story. I thought Alice’s visions were all true, all the time. Isn’t that why Edward was going to kill himself? Then again, I don’t really want to go back to check. Even thinking about Archie’s/Alice’s superpowers turns my brain into fire and my tongue tries to escape my body in violently thrusts.

Beau and Edythe go off to the Cullen mansion, which is beautiful and perfect and has a grand piano because of course Edythe is a brilliant pianist.

Beau says hi to Carine and meets Earnest, her husband. Earnest is Esme. Got it? I don’t think Esme had much to do in the overall story. Didn’t she pop up every few hundred pages to say crap like, “Love is a battlefield” and, “Follow your heart,” and, “Are you gonna watch all these episodes of Scandal, or can I delete them off the box?”

What a deep, rich character.

Archie reintroduces himself and is the fun-loving, carefree vampire I would admire, had the character not been ruined with poorly written superpowers.

So far, every member of the family loves Beau, but where are Royal and Eleanor? Edythe explains that Royal isn’t happy about Beau. Royal is jealous of Beau’s humanity. Royal wants to be human. This character motivation made more sense in the original story as Roslie was angry because of Bella’s ability to have a child. But I’m not sure why boy-Royal is so pissy.

Does he miss the taste of nachos? I guess that would be upsetting. Maybe Royal misses nachos. The inability to taste nachos (or all appetizers, really) is indeed a high price to pay for immortality, super strength, super speed, all the money you’d ever want, wild vampire sex and impossible beauty.

I might regret typing this, because it could also come true, but I’d give up tasting nachos just to never experience another paper cut or mosquito bite again for the rest of my life.

Ever notice that vampires in this series are a bunch of whiny brats? I miss the werewolves. I also wish the werewolves weren’t pedophiles. Sad that the previous sentence has to even be written. And now I’m crying.

Edythe explains that another group of vampires might be paying them a visit. These are people-killing vampires, which scares Beau a little. Edythe says that it’s okay, because she won’t let anyone hurt him. To the other innocent people in the Pacific Northwest? Um…good luck. Sorry you have to be brutally killed and devoured, but the Cullens can’t do anything about it because it would be complicated and political. It’s just a lot of paperwork. Hope you die quickly. Bye!

Just a reminder: The Cullens are the heroes here. They’re the good guys. Sure, they let thousands die every day, but that’s not really their fault. What do you want them to do about it, besides fight back?

Edythe plays the piano for Beau, which is so romantic. She wrote him a lullaby and it’s the most perfect piece of music ever created. But more importantly, I’m getting a Star Wars Advent calendar!

Then we get Carine’s backstory. Edythe tells us how Carine’s father was some sort of monster hunter/preacher, and it’s a very cool story — one I wish was an entire book instead of three paragraphs.

Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 4
Total: 71

Prediction
BEAU: You have a piano? Is it just for show?
EDYTHE: Actually, I play piano quite well. It’s a bit of a hobby. Its an important part of my life that I never told you about? Weird.
BEAU: And you have a pottery wheel?
EDYTHE: I am an accomplished sculptress and potter. I never told you about my art?
BEAU: Is that a Gameboy Advance?
EDYTHE: ‘Tis indeed. [dramatically closes her eyes] I have captured all the Pokemon, even the impossible ones.
BEAU: And you have a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese?
EDYTHE: While I don’t eat food, I do have the ability to perfectly open the Macaroni and Cheese box at the designated, perforated lines. No other person has ever done it. The Pope even gave me a medal for it.
BEAU: Why do you have an empty milk carton and scissors?
EDYTHE: That’s my craft station. I turn the milk cartons into perfect bird feeders, my love. No bird can resist my recycled bird feeders. With them, I can summon everything from a pigeon to a pterodactyl. I’m great at it.
BEAU: And I suppose that trapeze bar means you’re a world-class trapeze artist?
EDYTHE: I prefer the term “trapeze poet,” but yes. Enough about me and my hobbies. Surely you must be good at something.
BEAU: Well…this one time I watched an entire season of Lost in one weekend.
EDYTHE: You are so good at watching things, Beau. My heart cannot handle it.
BEAU: Did you hear Dan is getting the Star Wars Lego Advent calendar?
EDYTHE: I did. He seems quite pleased with his purchase.
DAN: I don’t know how to end this scene.
QUIL: Want me to do my thing?
DAN: Sure. Go for it.
QUIL: Um…something about watching Handy Manny?
DAN: Let’s just call it a day, guys. Remember, tomorrow’s rehearsal is in the gym at 5:30, and if the karate class is still going on, they’ll just have to take it to the band room because I signed out the gym. Tired of this crap. Not angry at you, just angry at the situation. See you guys later.

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