Chapter Fourteen: Mind Over Matter
Better Title: Beau-ners

Can I watch you sleep? Can I come into your bedroom and sit and stare as you slumber? It’s okay if you say no, because I’m going to do it anyway. I can’t help myself. And you should feel honored that such a perfect person would want to spend my freetime violating your privacy and trust.

What statement best describes the above paragraph?
A. Words of a sexual predator.
B. There is no other answer, because this is messed up!

Oh sweet pancakes on a barn roof! This is wrong. This is all the wrongs. This is Bill Cosby wrong. This is awful, terrible stalker crap that young people read and think is sweet and romantic but in actuality would result in police investigations, restraining orders and hour-long Dr. Phil specials.

Nothing about Edythe’s (or Edward’s) behavior is acceptable.

You do not watch people sleep without their permission. Even if you catch someone napping on the bus, you take a brief look and then go back to playing Words With Friends on your phone. You do not sit and watch people sleep!

This is not okay.

In this chapter, Edythe and Beau hang out in Beau’s house and Edythe tells him that, yes, she has watched him sleep every night for the past few weeks.

Beau is embarrassed, but thinks Edythe is so super cool that he permits the violation. Ugh. I bet Edythe could say she also hacked his email and videotaped him pooping, and Beau would just touch her face and say, “You are such a Silly Sally. Let’s caress!”

Up in Beau’s room, the two cuddle and mumble and it’s meant to seem cute but all I see is a 100-year-old woman touching an underage boy.

Edythe admits that she was born in 1901 and was turned into a vampire after catching the Spanish flu.

Beau doesn’t think much of the age difference. In fact, I don’t think this will ever come up again in the series. But it’s gross. It means that had Edythe been bitten when she was 50 or 60….or 80, she would still be lusting after Beau because biologically he is her love-match. She just got lucky and became a vampire at the forever-age of 18, but this would be a whole different book, one sold in that special store on the highway, if it was about an elderly woman cuddling a teen.

At least the gender swapping is teaching us about equality. This was gross when old man Edward had the hots for teenage Bella, and it’s equally gross with the sexes reversed.

This is not okay.

Beau asks questions about vampires, such as how does Edythe have mind reading powers, and why can Archie see the future. Edythe explains it with a very wordy version of, “because feelings.” She also explains that Jassamine (lady Jasper) can alter the emotions of people, and I start laughing and laughing as I recall all the stupid vampires powers.

Remember Marcus?!! Remember him? Marcus was the Volturi vampire with the superpower to see relationships!!! He was a mighty vampire.

Ha! Wow! I miss Marcus. He could have warned us all that Kermit and Miss Piggy were going to breakup. And think what he could do with Taylor Swift’s love life? The mind marvels.

Point is: Vampire superpowers are the worst thing about Twilight besides the…

• Acceptable Sociopathic Behavior
• Acceptable Baby Dating
• Acceptable Emotional Abuse
• Acceptable Violation of Privacy
• Whole Italy Thing
• Unexplained Magic Baby Growth Spurt
• Unexplained Vampire Sex
• Words
• Protagonist’s Casual Acceptance Of Thousands Of Innocent People Being Killed
• Visions
• Lack of Jetpacks

 
So Edythe and Beau are cuddling and touching and Beau is brave enough to ask about vampire sex. Edythe says they can’t have sex because she might lose control and kill Beau. To which I respond: Hand jobs.

But before we get into that, what’s up with Beau?

As a former teenage boy, I can tell you that the male anatomy at the age of 17 is comparable to that of a nervous prairie dog who stands at attention when there’s even the slightest bit of sound. It’s an over-sensitive jack-in-the-box that will pop out if someone so much as looks at it.

What I’m trying to say is that during this cuddle session, and during the night as he sleeps, Beau is probably aroused. Not even steel underpants lined with sandpaper and pictures of Steve Buscemi could stop Beau’s “little Beau” from waking up.

Meyer never mentions this, either because it’s a YA book and we’re not supposed to think about erections or because she really doesn’t understand how teen boys operate. Probably a little of both. But a real guy cuddling the most perfect woman would be thinking quite a bit about his bit. He wouldn’t have the time or blood flow necessary to tell the reader about the color Edythe’s eyes or the pallor of her skin. He’s too busy trying to deal with…it.

Which brings me back to the main point:

I know Edythe doesn’t want to get all sexed up, but she could…ya know…give Beau a little flick. Judging by Beau’s constant description of her perfect beauty and his inexperience, all it would really take for them to have some sort of sex is for Edythe to say the words, “Boner be finished!” and wave her hand in the general direction of his crotch and Beau’s eyes would roll up into his head and it would be over.

I’m not suggestion Edythe do something she’s uncomfortable with — I’m not pressuring her into sex. It seems that she’d like nothing more than to get nasty with Beau. I’m offering alternatives. I’m here to help. Hell, the two are practically dry humping already.

Maybe this is getting too NSFW, so I’ll stop. Just putting it out there that Edythe and Beau can have all kinds of sex, even if full-on special hugging is out of the question. Just ask the school nurse for the pamphlet.

The chapter ends with Beau falling asleep in Edythe’s arm, with something that’s not a steel banana standing wide awake all night long.

Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 8
Total: 67

Prediction
EDYTHE: Why do you always have that book in your lap?
BEAU: Um…no reason.
EDYTHE: Here. Let me take it.
BEAU: No! Um…no. It’s cool. I’m cool.
EDYTHE: Anyway, as I was saying, I don’t think we can have sex.
BEAU: Uh-huh.
EDYTHE: But maybe you can’t hear me, so let me crawl up on your lap and then whisper it.
BEAU: Um…
EDYTHE: Now let me just get close to your ear, and then I will say, “We can’t have sex.” And let me lick your ear to let the words in smoothly.
BEAU: Uh…
EDYTHE: And now I need to thrust my body as I whisper the words, to really get my words into your head. [Begins rocking on Beau’s lap] We…can’t…have…sex.
BEAU: AGH! [Beau turns into pure energy and soars around the planet before rising to the heavens and kissing the stars]

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