Chapter Twenty-One: Phone Call
Better Title: I Don’t Know What’s Happening Anymore

Good news: This is a short chapter.

Bad news: I don’t understand anything.

We’re still in the hotel room with Beau, Jessamine and Archie. Archie says Edythe is flying to Arizona and will be arriving at nine in the morning. I remember having issue with this in the first book because airplanes fly high above the clouds, so even in cloudy Forks, WA there would be bright yellow sunshine erupting all over Edythe’s face during the flight. Moreover, she’s landing in sunny Arizona where the sun is so bright it can shine through an Irishman’s complexion with the clarity of an X-Ray.

Am I wrong here? Am I missing something?

Vampires sparkle violently in the sun, so…how’s this working out? Vampire venom, I assume. Or maybe Edythe is covered in makeup. Whatever the reason, I’d appreciate it if Stephenie Meyer at least acknowledged that the sun is bright and the vampires have somehow turned off their sparkles.

Another thing that’s ticking me off, and bringing back awful memories from Twilight books of old, is how ungracious Beau (and Bella) react to every situation. Sure, it can be tough dealing with this mess, but the Cullens are trying to save your life and here Beau acts like a brat and then tells us, “I hoped they realize that I was nothing but grateful for the sacrifices they were making for me.”

One way to ensure they know how thankful you are is by actually saying, “Thank you.”

I hate you, Beau Swan!

Say, “Thank you!” Just say it. Instead of acting all sad and quiet, how about showing some respect and appreciation to the people who made sure you weren’t turned into vampire lunch.

I say, “Thank you,” all the time. I thank my barber, I thank the cashier at the grocery store — hell, I even say thank you to the screen when NetFlix emails me that they’re now streaming The Flash.

But that’s because I was raised well.

[Crowd shouts, “Ooooh! Damn! He did not just say that?”]

It’s not like Beau’s going to fight me. Whats he gonna do? Go to Arizona and hope his girlfriend’s sister handles me? (I hope that’s what happens!)

And then…the phone rings.

Archie hands the phone to Beau because he thinks it’s Beau’s mom. And while Beau’s mom’s voice answers the phone, the villainous Joss quickly chimes in. She has Beau’s mom hostage and wants Beau to go to his mom’s house, find a phone number written there, and then call that number for further instructions.

And then I throw my hands up and shout, “Jesus, take the blog!”

I can’t.

I can’t understand this.

The very moment Joss decided to call Beau, wouldn’t Archie know it? The very moment she decided to take Beau’s mom hostage, wouldn’t Archie realize it? The very moment Joss used some shenanigans to pretend Beau’s mom was in danger, Archie would see it. Right? RIGHT? WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING ME?!

But that wouldn’t work for the story, so instead Archie’s powers of forecasting go dim for reasons best described as “Vampire venom.”

I hate you, Archie Cullen! (Can you ask if your sister likes me? Tell her I’m tall and good at dancing. But, like, don’t let her know that I’m the one asking. Cool? [giggle])

Beau is freaked out but wants to follow Joss’ creepy instructions. And then Archie has a vision, the chapter ends, and I think of Thanksgiving and list all that I am thankful for:

1. My family and friends
2. My health
3. The fact that there is not a gender swapped version of New Moon
4. Pizza
5. There’s a new Star Wars
6. Dogs
7. The feeling of satisfaction when you finally release a popcorn kernel from your teeth that’s been stuck in there for an hour.
8. And you, the loyal readers!

Before we end for today, let me say this:

Because life is unfair, it has been incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to buy a Jetpack Werewolf ornament. That’s why I made my own using dead trees and laser beams.

You can now buy the Jetpack Werewolf ornament right here at my Etsy store. I only made a few, and I don’t think I’ll be able to make more before Christmas, so supplies are very limited.

I’m also selling Jetpack Werewolf signs, perfect for hanging in your office, room or ballet studio. (The signs are about 6.5 inches wide and 4 inches tall. They’re bigger than the ornaments which are 3-inches wide. It’s hard to tell that from these two photos.) Again, supplies are limited, so order soon.

But that’s not all! I have a variety of wonderful goodies for sale this holiday season! New funny signs, new pencils (including the new Santa Pencil!), and complete sets of Power Pencils.

Check out the full list of products right here!

I’m so excited about this! I appreciate all the support and I hope you like these products. Please share with your friends!

Because I need to focus on Power Pencils for Black Friday, there won’t be a blog this Friday. But I’ll be back here Monday. You are my life now.

Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 0
Total: 90

Prediction
ARCHIE: I saw a vision of you.
BEAU: What was I doing?
ARCHIE: You were complaining…about…things.
BEAU: Wow!
ARCHIE: And in the future, you will be given everything you’ve ever wanted, but you won’t say thank you. Instead you will be sad and stare off into space, looking as if you’re trying to remember the name of a song. And then you will meet a werewolf, and she will be wonderful. She will treat you right and you will laugh and enjoy life, instead of living like an uptight supermodel. But the relationship won’t work out because of vampire venom. And then Edythe will think you committed suicide because of some sit-com misunderstanding that would be better suited more for an episode of Modern Family than a dramatic romance story. And then in Italy, everything gets stupid. You just let thousands of innocent people die, but it’s okay because of love and vampire venom. And then you’ll get Edythe pregnant…somehow. Vampire venom will be involved, I bet. And then the werewolf woman will fall in love with your little newborn baby, and everyone will think it’s okay for that to happen. Also, Bill Cosby will turn out to be a real villain.
BEAU: None of that sounds plausible at all. Your powers are stupid.
ARCHIE: You’re right. There’s no way anything that silly and horrifying could actually happen. I apologize. My powers are a little wonky and convenient.
BEAU: I’ve heard Dan Bergstein is selling a variety of wonderful products this holiday season, with gifts perfect for everyone on your shopping list.
ARCHIE: Indeed. Did you know he laser-etches the products himself? And every Power Pencils comes with a hilarious instruction manual that teaches you how to use magic pencils? He’s like some kind of wizard.
ROBOCOP: He’s a hell of guy.

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