Chapter Eleven: Complications
Better Title: Poke Her Face

With all the gender swapping, let’s take a minute to organize the characters.

Beau – Bella Swan
Edythe – Edward
Julie (or Jules) – Jacob
Royal – Rosalie
Archie (really?) – Alice
Jessamine – Jasper
Carine (Which is the worst way to spell it because it looks like “canine” and I’m giving it a hard I sound because it’s funny to say…Car-Ine!) – Carlisle
Bonnie – Billy (Jacob’s dad)
Earnest – Esme
Quil – Quil

And the rest of Beau’s friends are…whatever. I don’t care about them. Neither should you. Sorry, E-rock-a. Continue reading →

Chapter Ten: Interrogations
Better Title: Chapter Nine: Part Two

It’s a rainy, cold October day — the perfect kind of day to curl up with a good book. Life and Death isn’t a good book, but it does make me curl up.

This chapter feels like the previous chapter, except now Jeremy and McKayla show up. It’s the day after Beau’s hot and wild date with Edythe. He wakes up hoping it wasn’t a dream, and is excited to find Edythe waiting for him in the driveway.

She drives him to school where everyone gawks as Beau gets out of the car. What did these two do all night? Are they dating? Did they do sex? Is Beaufort even a real name? The gossip runs rampant. Continue reading →

Chapter Nine: Theory
Better Title: How Not To Flirt

You are not going to believe this, but Edythe is a vampire!

I wonder if anyone reading the first book was unaware of the vampire stuff. Maybe they thought it was just a story about a boring girl who falls in love with a mysterious man. And then they got to this chapter and spit tea all over the room in a fit of surprise while whispering, “Nicely done, madam author. Well played!”

This entire chapter takes place in Edythe’s Volvo, as she takes Beau home after the night of thugs and ravioli. It’s a testament to either my hunger or Meyer’s inability to create memorable stories, but what I remember most about the first book is that one ravioli Bella ate.

I think about it often. Continue reading →

Chapter Eight: Port Angeles
Better Title: A Woman Pays For Dinner?!

Twilight is the best book in the series. New Moon has the werewolves, but it also has a third act that makes negative amounts of sense. I’ve forgotten what happens in Eclipse (was it about winning a ticket to a magic candy factory?), and Breaking Dawn is the reason I tremble when alone with my own thoughts.

Twilight is 100% awful, but when compared to what’s to come, it’s maybe only 97% awful. Like I’ve said, the description of the town and settings are nice and Stephenie Meyer has one idea for this story and sticks to it.

Though I’m sure Meyer loved the idea of making a series of vampire romance books, whatever creative ability she had was limited to telling one Beauty and the Beast story. When she was forced to expand a very, very simple premise, that’s when things got bloated with Volturi, imprinting, baby dating and enough deus ex machina to open a deus ex factory-a. Continue reading →

Chapter Seven: Nightmare
Better Title: Actually…that’s a pretty good title alreadyy

October is the perfect time to read scary stories, but Twilight doesn’t count since it’s as frightening as a Garfield comic strip. That’s why I’m also reading Acceptance, the third book of The Southern Reach Trilogy by Jeff Vandermeer.

Though I’m just starting the third and final book, I highly recommend the entire series. The first book is like the show Lost mixed with H.P. Lovecraft creepiness. The second book feels like a sci-fi horror as directed by the Coen Brothers. And the third book (of which I’m only on page 50), is a great mix of everything from the first two. These books are weird, but give them a shot. The first book is just over 200 pages, so it’s a quick read, and you can buy the entire series in a single volume.

This isn’t a paid advertisement. I just really like the series, and it’s nice to have something good to read instead of the gallons of dreck that is Twilight.

Also, since today is Back to the Future Day, I highly recommend The Pencil of Time, from PowerPencils.com. Travel through the chronos with this mighty staff of magic. Cheaper than a DeLorean, and easier to store under a bed or in a pocket. Buy it, use it and say hi to the cyborg dragons of the future. (Ask for Gavin when you get there!)

Enough non-Twilight stuff! Let’s get to the timeless tale of a whiny brat who gets everything he wants. Continue reading →

Chapter Six: Scary Stories
Better Title: Hi Julie!

It’s said that to successfully critique an employee, a manager should say something positive, then something negative, and then something else positive. It’s the criticism sandwich, and it helps present your idea in a less aggressive way, thus increasing the chance for real change.

Let’s give this a shot! Continue reading →

Chapter 5: Blood Type
Better Title: Pricks

I messed up in the last blog and referred to Beau as “her” and Edythe as “him.” I make mistakes but it’s also very confusing to read this book and keep all the pee-pees and vaginas in order. In my head, Beau is just Bella and Edythe just Edward.

So far, there hasn’t been much to distinguish Beau as a guy. A scene of him peeing out a campfire or saying, “I need to shave my man face,” may have helped my mind, but the bigger issue is that Meyer has written characters so utterly boring and one-dimensional that their personalities are as basic as mom jeans. Continue reading →

Chapter 4: Invitations
Better Title: The Beau of the Ball

Chapter 4 begins with a dream sequence. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I loathe dream sequences. They are terrible, wretched things. Remove them from any story and the story is 2,000% better. The only exceptional dream sequences exist in David Lynch movies because he’s the master and we must be thankful that his homeworld has lent him to Earth. (Also, the “dream” sequence from Rosemary’s Baby is good too.)

I hate dream sequences even when they’re in good stories, like Harry Potter. When dream sequences pop up in the bucket that is Twilight, it’s like the author is screaming, “Writing is hard. Here’s some crap I had trouble expressing. Also, you look stupid so I better yell the information in your stupid face. Byeeeee!”

Here’s a list of things I hate: Continue reading →

Chapter 3: Phenomenon
Better Title: He Said/She Said

“This is the chapter in which Beau nearly dies in a car crash, but is saved at the last minute by Super Edythe. It’s a short chapter, but it has filled me with questions regarding gender roles, and anger regarding stupid quote attribution words,” Dan wrote.

As a general rule, I hate any quote attribution that isn’t a simple “she said,” “he said,” “they said.” Mumbles and mutters aside, this book is filled with unnecessary quote attribution.

Examples from this chapter:

“Don’t move,” someone instructed.

“But it’s cold,” I complained.

“Be careful,” she warned as I struggled. Continue reading →

Have you ever watched a TV show or movie and in it someone is playing a videogame, but you know they’re playing the game completely wrong, moving the controller way too much and spastically slapping at the buttons like a hyper puppy? It’s terrible.

Such is the case with Life and Death. Stephenie Meyer has no clue what it’s like to be a teenage boy, and all she’s doing is moving the controller around and slapping the buttons and hoping no one will notice.

I notice. Continue reading →