Chapter Six: Scary Stories
Better Title: Hi Julie!

It’s said that to successfully critique an employee, a manager should say something positive, then something negative, and then something else positive. It’s the criticism sandwich, and it helps present your idea in a less aggressive way, thus increasing the chance for real change.

Let’s give this a shot!

1. I enjoy the setting of Twilight. I think if Stephenie Meyer has a strength as a writer, it’s her ability to explain the rainy atmosphere of the story.

2. Twilight is complete vomit.

3. The werewolves are a wonderful way to offset the stuffy, asshole-y nature of the vampires.

See? Don’t we all feel better now?

Before we get to the part we all knew was coming, I want to know who the hell is Logan?

Suddenly Logan is all up in this chapter as an annoying high school friend. He’s a boy this time, so he must have been a girl in the first book…since this book is so brave. I just don’t remember a Logan-esque character.

Also, I did mess up again in the last blog by using the wrong gender possessive (his/her). I will try my best to not slip again for a 58th time.

Beau is a boy. Edythe is a girl.

The chapter begins with Beau (who is a boy) going to La Push with his friends. Not much happens at first, but I did enjoy the description of the grey, rainy beach and surrounding landscape. In fact, this is probably the best chapter of the entire first book because A) it sets a scene nicely and B)…

LADY JACOB!

Oh, Jacob, seeing you here brings back so many confused emotions. I thought you were the best character in Twilight. I thought you were my friend. I thought you were my brother. I would have given you my NetFlix password, Jacob.

And then you fell in love with a baby.

I’ve spent five years sitting at the edge of my thinking lake, trying to reconcile your awesome, friendly personality with the fact that you are also total human garbage. I know it’s not your fault. I know Ms. Meyer made you do it. But it’s hard for me to look you in the eyes without thinking of Breaking Dawn as I run my shivering hand over the emotional scars it left on my brain.

And here you are, now a young woman named Julie, who has no clue what Ms. Meyer will do to you. I see you here with your pretty black hair and friendly good natured charm, and I weep. I weep for I have been to the future and it is cruel.

I want to warn you, Julie. I scream into the book, “Run, Julie! Run to a better series of novels – a series in which your gifts of humor and likability will not be punished with pedophilia! Go now! Fly away. Fly away on the jetpack you so desperately deserve!”

And the book, this dead pile of inky tree flesh, stares back at me, mocking my wet eyes.

I know I will lose. I know how this turns out. I look out to the lake and whisper, “Please,” to no one.

Julie, one day I will hate you — but not today. Because today is the day I first met Julie Black, a funny, sweet person who may also be a werewolf. And today, I call you friend.

Anyways…Julie and her friends are at the same beach as Beau, and they all meet and hang out. Julie reminds Beau that they used to play together as kids, and Beau finds Julie nice…BECAUSE SHE IS!

But Beau is more worried about Edythe and why Edythe didn’t come to the beach. Logan (who the hell is this?) tells Beau that the Cullens never come to the beach, and then Samantha Werewolf (a.k.a. Sam from the first book), tells Beau that the Cullens aren’t allowed at the beach.

Oh, and Quil’s name is now Quil and he’s a woman. Women can be pedophiles now? Crazy, right?!

Beau and Julie have their walk and talk in which Julie explains werewolves and vampires, but in a friendly, you-don’t-really-believe-this way — the same way a real friend would tell you a scary story.

That’s why I like this chapter. It’s nice. It’s simple. And it feels real.

Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 1
Total: 22

Prediction
BEAU: So werewolves and vampires are real?
JULIE: Nah…it’s just an old story.
BEAU: Cool. Talking to you is like talking to a person who is pleasant, someone who shares similar interests and has thoughts I enjoy. Someone I care about.
JULIE: You mean a friend?
BEAU: No. A friend is someone who is ambiguously mean, a person who sometimes hurts you physically and emotionally, and a person with whom your only shared interests are chess and maybe high school biology. A friend lets you down for no real reason, and then threatens suicide just because of a misunderstanding. A friend is someone you can’t really talk to, but instead you just kiss and touch faces and hope everything works out despite the fact that you and your friend are terrible people. And a friend is boring. You ma’am, are no friend of mine.
JULIE: Okay.
QUIL: You guys want to go to Subway for lunch? I love Subway. I really identify with their company and brand. Subway, eat fresh!

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