Chapter 5: Blood Type
Better Title: Pricks
I messed up in the last blog and referred to Beau as “her” and Edythe as “him.” I make mistakes but it’s also very confusing to read this book and keep all the pee-pees and vaginas in order. In my head, Beau is just Bella and Edythe just Edward.
So far, there hasn’t been much to distinguish Beau as a guy. A scene of him peeing out a campfire or saying, “I need to shave my man face,” may have helped my mind, but the bigger issue is that Meyer has written characters so utterly boring and one-dimensional that their personalities are as basic as mom jeans.
In fact, the characters aren’t even one-dimensional. They’re non-dimensional, occupying impossible space in the cosmos, as their lack of personality folds in onto themselves creating human-sized black holes from which not even light or believable dialogue can escape.
All I’m saying is that you could tell me Beau is guy, a girl, a person of transgender or a person without gender, and I’d just shrug. It’s like how in the French language, certain nouns are masculine or feminine. The French teacher tells you “elbow” in French is feminine. You ask if that means it can have babies with cheese (since “cheese” is masculine), and suddenly you can’t go to the Medieval Times field trip, WHICH WAS FINE WITH ME ANYWAY!
Stephenie Meyer says Beau is a guy, and so…I guess he’s a guy. A little more effort in the character development would have been helpful, but I ask too much. I’m sorry.
At least in this chapter, Edythe shows a bit more personality than a sack of wet socks, except the personality isn’t the wonderful Edythe we’d come to expect. Instead, she sounds like a super villain about to destroy New York.
This chapter is filled with awful conversations between Beau and Edythe. The first is at lunch.
The dialogue here sounds just like something Lex Luthor would say. Read this and imagine James Spader in the part of Edythe (who begins the conversation).
“I told you, most people are very easy to read.”
“Except me.”
“Yes, except you.” Her eyes shifted to me and intensified, drilling into mine. “I wonder why that is.”
Put a cat in Edythe’s lap and a crow on her shoulder and she could be a Disney villain in this chapter.
The conversation is terrible and ends with nothing much resolved. It does include another example of wretched quote attribution with this nugget of insanity:
“Please,” she breathed.
You can’t breathe words, people. If you do, you’re not talking, just breathing…wheezing mostly. Try it. Try to breathe out the word “please,” without sounding like a malfunctioning car from an old cartoon.
Eventually Edythe says she’s ditching biology class and hops away and Beau is thankful. He’s pissed at her. But does he also…LIKE HER? OMG!
Ugh.
In biology class, the students are asked to prick their fingers to determine their blood types. I barely remember this from the first book, but it’s been a few years and I repressed much of Twilight. I’m sure it’s in there, and I’m sure I wondered if any real high school would have students stabbing themselves.
Beau can’t handle the sight of blood or the thought of pricking his finger so he nearly passes out and McKayla offers to carry him to the nurse. On the way to the nurse, Edythe appears and helps McKayla carry the woozy Beau.
During this, Beau ponders the question of masculinity as two smaller ladies carry him. It’s the thought-provoking ideas like this which make this book an interesting experiment as we all discuss the role of…oh, that part is over? Okay. It only lasted three sentences and it ends with Beau saying he doesn’t need to compete with Edythe because “she’s special.” Gender issues solved!
Three brand new sentences about gender roles. Yep…this book was worth every penny!
They eventually get to the nurse’s office and…sit down folks…the nurse is now a man? HOLY CRAP! Did you know nurses can be guys?! I had to read this eight times, and then check with the Constitution and my local State Representative, just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.
A male nurse? What’s next? A female cheese?!
The nurse tells Beau to sit down and rest, and then walks away leaving Edythe alone to talk with Beau about love, life and things I barely skimmed because holy hell this chapter is long.
Edythe convinces the nurse (who is still a guy!) to let her take Beau home, and the nurse agrees because he has some sort of dictatorial authority on all school matters…I assume.
During the car ride, Edythe asks Beau about his mom and Beau says, “She was my best friend.”
Beau, buddy, even if that’s true, maybe don’t go calling mommy your BFF. You’re 17. You’re in the car of the most attractive, wonderful person you’ve ever met. You’re flirting. Play it cool. Saying more than one sentence about your mom makes you seems needy and weird. Talk about regular things like school and how it’s weird you don’t see phone booths anymore.
Edythe drives Beau home in the pouring rain and then rushes back to school so she can pick up her siblings. Speaking of her siblings….
Hi Eleanor! It’s me! Dan! Nice seeing you again! How are you? It’s weird that you don’t see phone booths anymore. Crazy, right. Haha…
Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 12
Total: 21
Prediction
EDYTHE: So where do you live? Should I turn here?
BEAU: Yeah. Did I tell you my mom once made me a Star Wars cake?
EDYTHE: That’s cool.
BEAU: And sometimes she would sing Christmas songs.
EDYTHE: That’s sweet. So, did you hear about the test on Friday?
BEAU: My mom has the cutest mole on her neck. That’s where the angels kissed her.
EDYTHE: Maybe we don’t need to talk anymore today.
BEAU: My mom’s makeup tastes funny.
EDYTHE: I’m gonna just drop you off here.
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