Monthly Archives: February 2016

Blogging The Chronicles of Narnia: Part 10

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Narn 10Chapter Five: Back On This Side of the Door
Better Title: Digory the Dick

I know this blog is late, but things have been really crazy. I don’t even know where to start! First, I had to make dinner on Tuesday, and so I made spaghetti. And then it started to rain. And then I watched this mesmerizing video of an industrial shredder mangling toys. So…you can only imagine. Anyway, point is I had very good reasons for not posting the blog on Tuesday. You understand. Let’s blog!

Lucy and Edmund pop back into our world and Lucy is very excited because now she has a witness — Edmund has seen Narnia and can confirm its existence. However, for reasons best described as “Nellie Oleson,” Edmund denies ever visiting Narnia and calls Lucy a liar.

And then Lucy goes insane and grows old in a mental institution where she names her toes and then refuses to step on them for they are her only true friends. Continue reading →

Blogging The Chronicles of Narnia: Part 9

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Narn 9Chapter Three: Edmund and the Wardrobe
Better Title: Witch Way, Did He Run

Sorry this blog is extra-late. Give yourself all 5 Dan Points for the wait. I’ll try to stay on deadline.

Lucy returns from the magic wardrobe and tells the others of her adventures with Tumnus in Narnia, but no one believes her. I don’t believe her either. I never believe children. They always lie. “I can count to a million!” “My friend’s not supposed to have wheat!” “I have a splinter!” “There’s no such thing as true love and monogamy is humanity’s feeble attempt to organize and tame the fiery chaos of biology!”

Silly kids.

Lucy tries to prove that the wardrobe is magical but when the other children investigate, they find it to be an ordinary wardrobe. And then Lucy goes insane and spends the rest of her life making dolls out of her own hair while whispering, “There was no Narnia. I’m a filthy liar. That must be it. I mustn’t tell lies.” Continue reading →

Blogging The Chronicles of Narnia: Part 8 (Beginning of “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe”)

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Narn 8Chapter One: Lucy Looks Into A Wardrobe
Better Title: Careful. If You Go Snooping Around Your Parent’s Closet, You Might Not Like What You Find

Welcome to the first blog of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I thought the previous book was good — a little light on substance, but it was fun and charming and so British that the pages smelled of tea.

But from what I understand, that was just a prologue of sorts, the bits that establish the world and setting of the real story. That was just the first kill in a horror movie, or the first joke of a Modern Family episode. Now it’s time to get into it!

C.S. Lewis has no time for much backstory here, and quickly crams not only four main character introductions in this chapter, but also the titular wardrobe. Four children, Lucy, Susan, Edmund, and Peter, are sent to live with a relative in the country because it’s WW II and things are scary in London. I don’t know what happened to their parents. Let’s assume they’re dead. Continue reading →

Blogging The Chronicles of Narnia: Part 7 (End of “The Magician’s Nephew”)

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Narn 7Chapter Thirteen: An Unexpected Meeting
Better Title: Apple Store

Did Aslan create this entire world, or just Narnia? He seems to not know much about the other countries, or mentions them in such a way that makes me think someone else made those places. Are there other animal gods? That’d be awesome!!!

Also, if Aslan is a fan of “children of Adam,” does that mean he’s a fan of Jesus? He knows who Jesus is? Or is he Jesus? And if he’s Jesus, why isn’t he in our world stopping war and terror, instead of living in fairy land and teaching elephants to speak? Is Jesus more powerful than Aslan? Is Gandalf more powerful than Jesus? Is Aladdin’s Genie more powerful than Gandalf? And can Luke Skywalker beat Superman? And would Superman have double-power if he fought Luke on Tatooine, because there are two yellow suns? And does the Silver Surfer pee? And why are strawberry pancakes breakfast but strawberry shortcake dessert? And ten years ago, did my frog Jasper die of natural causes or did my other frog, Penelope, kill him?

These are the questions keeping me up at night. Continue reading →

Blogging The Chronicles of Narnia: Part 6

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Narn 6Chapter Eleven: Digory and His Uncle Are Both In Trouble
Better Title: Humans Rule

If I were a creature of Narnia, I’d be pissed.

This chapter begins with Uncle Andrew fainting. The talking animals try to figure out if he’s a human like Digory and Polly, or if he’s a tree, unlike any other tree they’ve seen. Eventually, the animals plant Uncle Andrew in the ground and the elephant waters him. It’s a cute scene that works well in a children’s story, but would be frustrating and awful in any other story since it’s never explained how the animals seem to know so much about life, and yet still know so little about everything. They can form complete sentences, but lack the cognitive capacity to understand that something is not at all a tree.

The most important part of this chapter comes when Digory catches up to Aslan. The great God-Lion is holding court with the other animals when Digory interrupts and whines about his dying mother. Aslan doesn’t even look at the kid, and instead tells the animals, “This little brat totes ruined Narnia because he brought a Witch here.” Continue reading →