Chapter One: Lucy Looks Into A Wardrobe
Better Title: Careful. If You Go Snooping Around Your Parent’s Closet, You Might Not Like What You Find

Welcome to the first blog of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I thought the previous book was good — a little light on substance, but it was fun and charming and so British that the pages smelled of tea.

But from what I understand, that was just a prologue of sorts, the bits that establish the world and setting of the real story. That was just the first kill in a horror movie, or the first joke of a Modern Family episode. Now it’s time to get into it!

C.S. Lewis has no time for much backstory here, and quickly crams not only four main character introductions in this chapter, but also the titular wardrobe. Four children, Lucy, Susan, Edmund, and Peter, are sent to live with a relative in the country because it’s WW II and things are scary in London. I don’t know what happened to their parents. Let’s assume they’re dead.

Lucy is the youngest. I forget who is the oldest. Susan? Whatever. I’ll learn more about the characters later. The kids are bored and do what most bored children do on a rainy day — experiment with alcohol and light Doritos on fire with a match.

Just kidding. They go exploring around the big house. I’m assuming this is Digory’s house because…duh. But we don’t see much of Diggs, or Polly. In fact, it seems that Digory and Polly aren’t together any longer. Polly isn’t mentioned at all. Uh-oh. I’m beginning to think my “Polly is the Main Character of The Chronicles of Narnia” tattoo was a bit premature.

The kids find a big room filled with nothing except an old wardrobe. And Lucy goes inside the wardrobe because kids are nosey. If this were a real story set in a real world, exploring a grown-up’s closet would only lead to finding porn, love letters from ex-girlfriends, a box of stale weed, and a blurry photo of…best not to look too closely.

Lucy notices the wardrobe doesn’t seem to end, as she keeps walking deeper and deeper into the wooden box, past row after row of clothes and until finally…she’s in Narnia!

This is a terrible way to store clothing. Don’t the clothes get wet when it rains? Doesn’t the wind blow the doors open? Can’t mice, mice infected with Narnia Flu, get into Digory’s house this way?

Lucy walks into a veritable winter wonderland, and notices a lamp post glowing. And then she meets a faun!

Prediction
LUCY: There’s such wonderful things in this wardrobe!
EDMUND: What do you see?
LUCY: There’s a forest and a lamp post…and a creature with hooves and horns and —
SUSAN: It’s the devil! She’s found Satan! Lucy is trapped in Hell and Satan is trying to have babies with her! Quick!
[Burns wardrobe with Lucy still inside]

Chapter Two: What Lucy Found There
Better Title: Stranger Dangers

Lucy and the Faun have a nice chat. The faun is, as if you don’t already know, a half-man/half-goat creature. If you’ve read my unpublished erotic fur-fiction, Delilah’s Choice, you’d know all about fauns. All…about them. Everything. If you catch my meaning. I’m also good with writing about sexy Were-Bats, sexy living skeletons, and women in their 30s living in a mythical modern world who are just getting out of a stale relationship and are looking for something more…something…taboo. You can find more of my work in the realm of fantasy erotica at [website redacted] or come to my readings at [warehouse location redacted].

The faun’s name is Tumnus. I’m not sure if the N is pronounced but I pronounce everything. Sometimes fantasy names are difficult when you read them. Just like the name Nythin, the sexy living skeleton from my erotic novel Daphne’s Desire, is pronounced as Nathan. But the sex-beast Craig (part lumberjack/part tiger) from that same story is pronounced “See-Rage.”

Lucy and Tumnus hit it off, and it worries me.

For the past thirty years we have told children never talk to strangers, but this was in olden times, before kidnapping and CSI was invented, and so Lucy has nothing to fear by acting chummy with nude, naked Tumnus, who’s uncovered lower half must surely show off his anatomical no-no parts. Remember: This is a classic children’s story. Nothing wrong with a naked stranger chatting with a little girl. Yep. Totally cool.

Tumnus has a great deal of respect for a “Daughter of Eve,” but we learn that there aren’t any humans left in Narnia. What happened to King Frank and Queen Helen? After meeting them for two paragraphs in the last book, I’ve grown so attached.

Tumnus invites Lucy back to his windowless white van (i.e. his cave), and makes her a cup of “tea.” Lucy says she must be going soon, and Tumnus breaks down crying.

It seems Tumnus wasn’t such a nice guy after all. He was under orders from the evil Witch to capture any humans he finds. The Witch has cursed Narnia with an everlasting winter because…why not? And Tumnus must do as he was told, but he feels terrible about it.

Lucy offers him words of compassion, just like Heather (the roommate of the main character from my erotic short story Lisa’s Longing) tries to calm Lisa down after she cheats on Tedgar (the bear/astronaut) with Nuzx (the sexy new guy in town, who’s also part seahorse). If you didn’t go through with it…all the way, did you really commit a crime? (Spoiler: Heather doesn’t think so!)

Lucy says Tumnus hasn’t yet handed her over to the Witch, so he hasn’t yet done anything wrong. Tumnus agrees and helps Lucy return to the woods where the magic tree is located, and Lucy walks back into the tree and comes out in the wardrobe in the real world.

Prediction
TUMNUS: You shouldn’t talk to strangers.
LUCY: That’s silly. Why would a stranger want to hurt me? By the way, I’m going to post my home address and I.D. number up here on this tree. Just in case I forget it. And then I’ll put my spare house key right beneath it, for the sake of convenience.
TUMNUS: But someone could steal your identity…or rob your house.
LUCY: Nah. Hey, look over there! It’s a stray dog. I’m gonna pet it very fast on the eyes. Dogs love getting petted on the eye!
TUMNUS: No!
LUCY: And those look like candies in that pill bottle!
TUMNUS: You shouldn’t eat things you find in strange pill bottles.
LUCY: [eats pills] Nonsense. If it’s candy, yum! And if it’s medicine, it’s good for you. So what’s wrong?
TUMNUS: Maybe I should speak to your parent or guardian.
LUCY: When I’m old enough to have sex, I know I won’t get pregnant because you can’t get pregnant if it’s your first time.
TUMNUS: What? Who told you that? What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know anything?
LUCY: Whatever I don’t know, I can learn on the computer by clicking all the helpful things that pop up in my email! The trick is to download whatever happens. [Notices someone else] Hey mister, why are you crying?
QUIL: I…I just can’t believe this. This is the best story ever.

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