Chapter Thirteen: An Unexpected Meeting
Better Title: Apple Store

Did Aslan create this entire world, or just Narnia? He seems to not know much about the other countries, or mentions them in such a way that makes me think someone else made those places. Are there other animal gods? That’d be awesome!!!

Also, if Aslan is a fan of “children of Adam,” does that mean he’s a fan of Jesus? He knows who Jesus is? Or is he Jesus? And if he’s Jesus, why isn’t he in our world stopping war and terror, instead of living in fairy land and teaching elephants to speak? Is Jesus more powerful than Aslan? Is Gandalf more powerful than Jesus? Is Aladdin’s Genie more powerful than Gandalf? And can Luke Skywalker beat Superman? And would Superman have double-power if he fought Luke on Tatooine, because there are two yellow suns? And does the Silver Surfer pee? And why are strawberry pancakes breakfast but strawberry shortcake dessert? And ten years ago, did my frog Jasper die of natural causes or did my other frog, Penelope, kill him?

These are the questions keeping me up at night.

In this chapter, the children arrive at the magical orchard where the magical apples grow. There’s a gate guarding the orchard, but the door opens when Digory touches it. He’s been sent by the God-Lion, so he has permission. He finds the tree and plucks and apple and then…the Witch appears! She’s been there the whole time, and she’s eating a forbidden apple! Which, I’d argue, still doesn’t make her Hitler of Narnia.

The Witch tells Digory he has nothing to fear, and tempts him to take the magic apple and give it to his sick mom instead of handing it over to Aslan.

After carefully examining his options, Digory decides to do the right thing and hand the apple to Aslan.

Prediction
ASLAN: You can help you mother. But you must do something for me.
DIGORY: What is it, my master?
ASLAN: There’s another magic apple…one filled with lightning.
DIGORY: Wow.
ASLAN: Yes. But to get it, you must travel to lands far, and traverse obstacles of time and discomfort. You will be confronted by a wall of flesh, thousands of feet wide, and you must wait behind this wall for hours, days even. You will sleep outside the wall, among the demons.
DIGORY: And then what?
ASLAN: Eventually, the wall will move, slowly. And you must march forward, keeping pace with this wall. And your elbows will be bumped and your legs will tire, but you must persevere.
POLLY: Then what?
ASLAN: You will encounter a creature of blue and brown, a creature that guards the apple. And you must look into this creature’s eyes and speak the words, “Can I have the new iPhone? The gold one. Or pink. Do you have the pink?” Speak only those words. And then you must sign a blood oath that swears your allegiance to the apple for two years, no less. And then…the magic apple is yours. But you will need to fill it with lightning before you can use its full power.
DIGORY: And this apple will cure my mom?
ALSAN: Well, no. She can play Candy Crush. That’s a fun one. And she can play me in Words With Friends, but I cheat because I just put letters down and try to find words. Did you know “Za” is acceptable? Crazy, right?
DIGORY: But it won’t actually heal her?
ASLAN: The power of the apple is great and mysterious. It can communicate across oceans, capture images in time, and you can use it to pay for movie tickets.
DIGORY: I think that’s a waste of time. Couldn’t I just wait a few weeks and get the magic apple anywhere?
ASLAN: Such are the words of a true evil. For if you wait, the apple will grow stale. It will still do wonderous things, but it just won’t be the same. You must get it now. Go, children of Adam! And get a case for the apple, one with plastic diamonds that will fall off in a month’s time. Go!

Chapter Fourteen: Planting of the Tree
Better Title: Tree-son

Aslan is pleased that Digory returned with the apple, and tells him to chuck the apple into the mud, which Digory does because he’s a mindless sheep of a child. Or maybe Aslan is just so nice and good that Digory must obey.

Aslan then commands the animals to clear away some tree limbs and we find trees made of gold, silver, and human! The human “tree” is just Uncle Andrew, and the metal trees were formed when he dropped his coins on the ground. Andrew is a mess, mentally and physically, so Aslan commands him to take a nap.

And then the dwarves (there are dwarves?) appear and start making a crown for the new King and Queen.The coronation occurs, and it’s a bit boring, but by the time it’s over, the magic apple has blossomed into a magic tree that will repel the Witch’s power. What power, you ask? I don’t know. She didn’t have any power in Narnia, and again I wonder why she’s the number one threat to the land. What about shelter or an economy? Those seem like bigger issues at the moment than one tall lady.

I do like the bit about magic trees. I can understand this magic tree. You plant a magic apple, and out pops a magic tree. It’s not like that tree in Lord of the Rings. The White Tree? I’ve read the books and the Wikipedia page, and I’ve seen the movies half a dozen times, and I still don’t get it. It’s a magic tree that…just hangs out? And it’s good? And when it’s dying, that’s bad…for some reason? But it’s okay because there’s another tree? But the trees don’t do anything. Screw that tree. Also, I still don’t understand why Aragorn is King, but isn’t King and needs to return. And what’s up with the Elves? Actually, I don’t understand a lot of that whole story. I like Gimli. I get Gimli. He just wants to fight and win. Can I be Gimli?

One time I tried to read The Silmarillion and I vomited out of my ears with frustration. I can appreciate the attention to detail, but sweet snail on a razor, I don’t care about every goddamn uncle of every goddamn aunt. Also, that whole series of book is just various descriptions of brambles and streams.

The Narnia Tree is better. Way better. I’m not afraid to say it.

Aslan says that because the Witch ate the forbidden apple, she gets to live forever and ever. But her life will be dark and miserable.

If Aslan is Jesus, wouldn’t he want to forgive the Witch? Isn’t that what Jesus was all about? Did my mom, the Sunday School teacher, lie to me my whole childhood? Jesus was all about holding grudges and vengeance?

Aslan wants that lady dead and gone without even having a conversation with her. I don’t get it.

With the tree planted, Aslan gives some mumbo jumbo philosophy on why it was good that Digory didn’t break the rules and give his mom the magic apple. And for being a good boy, Aslan gives Digory a different magic apple that he can feed to his mom and make her immortal.

Filled with joy, the children and Uncle Andrew are blasted back into our world.

Prediction
ASLAN: And we must make sure the Witch never invades our land!
ZEBRA: Why?
ASLAN: She is evil, a dark blemish on our otherwise pristine world.
ZEBRA: I get it. She’s not the nicest person. But shouldn’t you talk to her, maybe? No need to get all preachy and such. No need to make magic shields and whatnot. Just have her over for lunch, so you two can hash this out. It’s all a misunderstanding, really.
ASLAN: She’s no good. She must never step foot in —
ZEBRA: You keep saying that, but what did she do?
ASLAN: She once threw a thing at my face. And it hit me. And it could have hit my eye!
ZEBRA: She’s just misguided. I really think you’re over reacting.
ASLAN: Silence! For your evil deeds, Zebra, I shall have you banished from the land! Begone!
ZEBRA: What did I do?
ASLAN: Now you’re double–banished! And I’m gonna plant a magic grapefruit that will keep you away, and now you have to die alone in a cave thanks to my grapefruit power!
ZEBRA: Dude!
ASLAN: Anyone else got a problem? I got magic fruit for days, son. And I can plant all of it…all over your dumb faces.

Chapter Fifteen: The End of the Story and the Beginning of All the Others
Better Title: Opening Credits

The story ends with Digory giving the apple to his mom and she begins to get better. He then plants the apple core in the backyard, and with the help of Polly, buries all of Uncle Andrew’s magic rings.

After this, everything in Digory’s life gets 200% better. His mom is healthy, his dad is coming home for “India” and a relative died and left the family a fortune, which means they can all move to the big house in the country.

Meanwhile in Narnia, King Frank and Queen Helen have children and the children marry magical creatures and start families. Everything is peaceful. Sure hope nothing evil happens there. I guess the next six books are just descriptions of pretty waterfalls.

Back in our world, where they planted the apple core, a tree appears, though it’s not quite as magical as the other magic tree. Eventually a storm hits london and the tree is knocked down, and from that wood, grown-up Digory builds a wardrobe.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

Prediction
KING FRANK: Our son has fallen in love.
QUEEN HELEN: Yes, they are getting married and having a child. It’s lovely.
ASLAN: That’s wonderful.
KING FRANK: I never thought my son would marry a nymph.
ASLAN: Wait. What?
FRANK: Our son is marrying a nymph.
ASLAN: Nonsense. He’s a human. He needs to fall in love with a human girl. That’s how I intended things.
FRANK: But there are no other girls. He either marries a nymph, or a turtle, or something.
ASLAN: But that’s…this is unnatural! I denounce this union!
FRANK: Also, our daughter is dating a Wood-God. She really fell in love with that tree-creature.
ASLAN: A what? No, no, no. That’s not what I intended. Marriage is to be between a man and woman, not a woman and Wood-God. That’s just perverse. That’s sick. You know that? Sick. Your daughter is sick. And if we permit this, it means soon dogs will be marrying cats, and frogs will marry penguins, and then they’ll take our guns away!!!
FRANK: And our other son is gay.
ASLAN: You man happy?
FRANK: Well, he is happy. But…maybe we’ll save that for another time.

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