Chapter Eleven: Digory and His Uncle Are Both In Trouble
Better Title: Humans Rule

If I were a creature of Narnia, I’d be pissed.

This chapter begins with Uncle Andrew fainting. The talking animals try to figure out if he’s a human like Digory and Polly, or if he’s a tree, unlike any other tree they’ve seen. Eventually, the animals plant Uncle Andrew in the ground and the elephant waters him. It’s a cute scene that works well in a children’s story, but would be frustrating and awful in any other story since it’s never explained how the animals seem to know so much about life, and yet still know so little about everything. They can form complete sentences, but lack the cognitive capacity to understand that something is not at all a tree.

The most important part of this chapter comes when Digory catches up to Aslan. The great God-Lion is holding court with the other animals when Digory interrupts and whines about his dying mother. Aslan doesn’t even look at the kid, and instead tells the animals, “This little brat totes ruined Narnia because he brought a Witch here.”

Now, from what little I know of Aslan, surely he could kill the Witch. The Witch hasn’t exhibited any powers in this world besides the ability to throw bits of metal at the lion’s face. Any lion could easily run after the Witch and bite her neck off, to say nothing of a God-lion. But I get it. This is a story and it needs a villain. Just sayin’…this Witch hasn’t done anything to Aslan that I’d classify as “evil.” Not sure why Aslan thinks she’s evil. Seems a bit prejudice, honestly.

Is she mean? Yeah, but mean doesn’t equate to pure evil. Is she rude? Sure, but if rudeness was a quality of absolute evil, than I was Hitler himself when I refused to make small talk with my barber. (Tiffany, no one cares if you’re ready for Spring. We’re all ready for Spring. What did you want me to say? That I’m not ready for Spring?)

If the Witch starts drowning puppies and talking endlessly about upcoming music festivals, then I’m on board with her being a villain in the ranks of Voldemort, Darth Vader, and Ronald McDonald. But I really think Aslan could find a hundred of his fellow animals with more bloodlust in their hearts than the Witch. We know she wants to take over the world, but as of right now, that’s all talk. She can’t actually take over the world — not from a magic God-Lion. She’s not as big a threat as Aslan makes her out to be. Give her a chance. #WitchLivesMatter

Then Aslan makes the Cabbie the King of Narnia, and if I were a talking squirrel in this story, I would claw Aslan’s face. Why does a human get to rule the land? There are only four humans here and one of them gets to be Supreme Emperor? Is this about having thumbs? Seems racist. Or speciest?

If the animals organize an uprising, I’d side with the beasts. Not sure what Aslan is thinking here.

The cabbie then says he’d be happy to stay in Narnia forever, but misses his wife. And so Aslan makes a magic sound and his wife is magically summoned to Narnia and everything is wonderful…for the humans.

Prediction
ASLAN: Good news. I have made the cabbie your new king!
RHINO: Um…this dude is not my king.
ASLAN: Yes he is.
RHINO: No, he’s not.
ASLAN: He is good and kind, and I have made him your —
RHINO: This guy? This skinny hairless ape?
ASLAN: Okay. I get it. You feel this is unfair. Some rando’ shows up and suddenly I crown him king. But don’t worry. You’ll have an important job, too.
RHINO: Vice President?
ASLAN: No. You’ll be in charge of snacks. For the meetings.
RHINO: Hold up. Then who is Vice President?
ASLAN: That other human…um the little girl, I guess.
RHINO: And who’s in charge if the king and Vice President die?
ASLAN: That little boy. The annoying one with the sad mum.
RHINO: And if he dies?
ASLAN: Then their ghosts are king.
RHINO: And where, exactly, do the animals fall in this hierarchy?
ASLAN: Well, you’re not quite as great as people. But you are just above rocks and oats. So…you can rule over the rocks and oats. Isn’t that exciting? Build yourself an oat kingdom of your own!
RHINO: I’m now on Team Witch.

Chapter Twelve: Strawberry’s Adventure
Better Title: Horse-Bird

Digory still needs to help his mom, but Aslan is being a prick about it because Digory brought the Witch into Narnia. Aslan says some nonsense about evil living in the world and how they will need to defeat it, but not for a hundred years.

Not sure why Aslan doesn’t just make a dinosaur pop out of the ground and then command it to go eat the Witch. But if he wants to wait around for a hundred years, that’s his business.

Aslan says if they plant a magic apple, the tree that grows will prevent the Witch from attacking, and so he sends Digory on a dangerous mission to grab the magic apple.

To help him, Aslan gives Strawberry wings and a new name, Fledge. If he’s passing out wings, why doesn’t he just give some to Digory? And if he made this world, why didn’t he just move the tree closer to Narnia? And why do they all speak the Queen’s English? And why not give wings to all the other animals, too?

Digory agrees to fetch the magic apple, and Polly goes with him because HORSES!

The newly modified Fledge soars into the air and we’re treated to lovely descriptions of the realm below. But Fledge gets tired and they decide to set up camp for the night. One problem: The kids don’t have any food. Fledge is happy to eat the delicious grass on the ground, but Polly and Digory have nothing to eat.

They could poop on the ground and have a magical meal grow up from the magic dirt (as I theorized in the previous blog), but instead Polly remembers she has some toffee and the children eat candy for dinner.

During the night, they hear a noise, but what could it be?

Prediction
CABBIE: So you sent the little kids on a deadly mission?
ASLAN: Yep.
CABBIE: But couldn’t you just use your magic? I mean, you did summon my wife across time and space, so sending two ten-year-olds a few miles away wouldn’t be a problem.
ASLAN: Look. I’m Aslan the God-Lion. I’m going to do all kinds of stuff that don’t make sense. And I do it because it’s…like…a metaphor or something. It’s about life, man. You just don’t get it. Here. This’ll help. [Turns on Pink Floyd’s The Wall]
CABBIE: I think you’re making all that up. Because you actions are so silly and stupid, it’s easy to pass them off as spiritual.
ASLAN: Nah, man.
COW: Why can’t I have wings, too?
ASLAN: Because, that would, like…I don’t know. Shut up.
SNAKE: I want wings, too!
BIRD: And I want fingers!
ASLAN: See? All that talk about wanting stuff? That’s what’s wrong with it.
CABBIE: Wrong with what?
ASLAN: Everything. It’s like, if you were a mouse and you wanted a sports car. And then I give you that sports car, it’s like…not the same because mice can’t drive. So that’s the journey. Finding it all.
CABBIE: Have you been smoking pot?
ASLAN: Little bit. But, only because pot is from the Earth and that’s my journey. So you get it? It’s about…being present. Not getting presents. Get it? And, man…I’m gonna eat that magic apple so hard! Anyone wanna watch Harry Potter 4? It kinda syncs up to this album…kinda.

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