Chapter Nine: The Founding of Narnia
Better Title: Dinosaurs Do Not Exist

Why aren’t there dinosaurs in Narnia? In this chapter, the great God-Lion creates trees and animals but doesn’t make any dinosaurs. That bums me out.

Most of the chapter is descriptive, as everyone watches the lion walk around and sing, and as he sings all kinds of stuff comes into being. It’s very magical and beautiful, but there should be dinosaurs.

There’s no dinosaurs at all, not even little ones. The lion makes dogs pop out of the ground and birds fall out of the sky, but he doesn’t make any dinosaurs.

I want dinosaurs, Liondamnit! If I had lion-powers, making dinosaurs would be item one on my list of creatures to create. Give me a fistful of Play-Doh, I’ll give you a dinosaur. Every time. Hell, give me a pound of ground beef and I’ll make you some dinosaur-meatballs. So why isn’t Lion-God making dinosaurs?

Yes, everything is wonderful and creative, and this chapter captivates the mind like a tennis ball captivates a puppy. But think of it with dinosaurs? So much better.

I don’t want to tell C.S. Lewis how to do his job, but if he added one dinosaurs, even if it were a stupid gallimimus, into this mix, he would have sold a million more copies of the book. And if he added a triceratops, this would be better than the pinnacle of story telling, Toy Story 2!

But the lion makes no dinosaurs. What a waste of god powers.

Meanwhile, the Witch has run away. I’m not sure where she went, or why, but she’s gone, probably because there’s no dinosaurs in this crap-nozzle of a universe. Before leaving, she throws part of a lamp post at the lion’s face. (She dragged this piece of metal from London.) But Asland doesn’t care. He’s too busy not making dinosaurs.

Where the metal landed, a brand new lamp post grows. Uncle Andrew loves the idea of taking broken stuff from our world, and planting it here so that it grows into something new. Bury an old toaster, and a new one pops up. Bury an old man, a new baby sprouts…I presume. Take a poop on the ground and in a few seconds, you have a complete meal ready to eat, right? I totally understand Narnian science.

The lion gathers all the animals and selects a few that he deems worthy. These selected beasts are given the superpower of thought and speech as mighty Aslan the Lion speaks the words and gives birth to Narnia!

But says nothing of dinosaurs.

Prediction
ASLAN: I have made all of you and now —
BIRD: You forgot the worms.
ASLAN: Huh?
BIRD: The worms. That’s what I eat. You forgot to make worms.
WHALE: And plankton.
ASLAN: Oh. Okay, let me just make a note and after the meeting I’ll —
OWL: Did you make yogurt cultures?
ASLAN: Did I what?
OWL: Yogurt cultures. They’re a living thing. Vital to the ecosystem. Did you make all the tiny bacteria and such? I don’t remember you singing about bacteria.
ASLAN: Um…sure I did.
TURTLE: When? Seems like you just made, like, two elephants and a monkey. Hardly enough to sustain an ecology. Is the elephant supposed to eat the monkey?
ASLAN: Okay, this is good. These are good notes. And I will take your concerns seriously. But first, I want to —
COYOTE: And did you make all one million types of insects? Also, unless you think incest is a-ok, you might want to make some more coyotes, because either I’m marrying my cousin Phil, or my brother Daryl.
[The first meeting, like all meetings, continued for hours and nothing was accomplished.]

Chapter Ten: The First Joke and Other Matters
Better Title: Still No Dinosaurs

Aslan has given a few select creatures the ability to speak and they all speak English because this book is racist.

Digory and Polly can’t believe what’s happening. Neither can the cab driver, whose horse Strawberry was one of the selected critters who now speaks eloquently. I wonder if any of the creatures have accents. Can a horse even make an Oh-sound with its lips? I called the zoo to ask but they keep hanging up.

Of the chapters so far, this is the most Bible-y: A benevolent god creates animals more-or-less in his own image (no dinosaurs), and tells them that they have been given a gift of thought and speech and should use it well.

Clearly Aslan represents the New Testament God, the God who loves people, and not the Old Testament God, the God who would tell you, “Here’s a new adorable puppy. Love it and name it, and then smash it with a rock because I’m not sure you like me. And if you kill a puppy, then I’ll know you like me.” Old Testament God sometimes acted like a Mean Girl.

The animals have firm command of the English language instantly and soon want to check out the humans Polly, Digory, the cabby, and Uncle Andrew.

Digory, seeing this place as a chance to help his mom, wants to ask Aslan if his mom can come here and never die. Strawberry offers him a ride to meet with Aslan, while Uncle Andrew runs away from all the curious animals because he’s old and doesn’t understand new things. It’s the same way your mom runs away from Snapchat screaming, “It will eat your soul!!!”

Prediction
DIGORY: Aslan, my mom is really sick and she needs help. Can she come here and get better?
ASLAN: Look, kid. I’m sorry about your mom, but I’ve got my own problems. I just invented a world. So forgive me if I’m a little sore. Plus, I have a headache. Plus, I forgot to make snakes and so the rat population is, like, off the charts bad. And the chickens are trying to swim and the giraffes all died because they tried to eat a tiger.
POLLY: That’s because you didn’t use evolution.
ASLAN: Who you?
POLLY: The animals in our world came into being through evolution. Over billions of years, the different species learned and mutated and whatnot so that they could survive. They adapted to danger. You just dumped them all onto the floor, and now you expect them to know everything. Animals rely on those millions of years of survival training to build instinct so that they can continue to grow and thrive. But you skipped all that. That’s why your penguins don’t know they can’t fly.
PENGUIN: Sure I can! Check this out! [Jumps off a cliff. Dies.]
PENGUIN 2: I’ll try next, just as soon as I lay my eggs right next to this friendly seal.
ASLAN: Hmm.
ANGRY TWITTER USER: No! This is wrong! Shut it down! Shut all of this down! Never question anything and shut up about everything!

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