Chapter Seven: What Happened at the Front Door
Better Title: 99 Problems And a Witch Is One

Sometimes (or always) when blogging my way through the Twilight books, I dreaded the days when I had to shove the words into my eyes and read the chapter. But with these books, I look forward to it. It’s nice to enjoy reading again.

I’m wondering how these books escaped me my entire life. This will sound sexist because…well…it is, but perhaps these books are more popular with young girls than young boys. And I’m not sure why.

There’s nothing so far that makes me think this series sways towards female audiences (no princesses longing to kiss boys or characters whose biggest personality trait is that they are handsome), but none of my male friends remember reading it or having it read to them as children.

So was there a sinister marketing tactic that aimed these books into the hands of young ladies? Or were boys less interested because we were busy sporting and spelling “80085” on calculators? Probably the latter, but I do know that back in my day there were more books for girls than boys.

In fact, there was an Anne of Green Gables reading group in my middle school that would not allow boys, by order of the teacher. The boys didn’t have a reading group. They made us play floor hockey in the gym, and once I had the wind knocked out of me. It was terrible.

All of that is to say this: I like this book very much and I’m sad I didn’t read it sooner.

On to the story!

The Witch has entered the house through the front door. I’m not sure how she got from the upstairs office to the front door, but there’s lot of things I don’t understand such as nuclear fission, foot fetishes and how the mail works.

In a delightful bit of comedy, Aunt Letty argues with Witch Jadis. After some back-and-forth, Jadis picks Letty up by the neck and tosses her across the room. Luckily, she lands on that mattress. It would be a far darker story if the previous chapter ended with Letty mending a pile of Lego bricks.

Jadis and Uncle Andrew head off in the hansom cab and Digory and his Aunt Letty have lunch, because Letty is civilized. Digory wants to send the Witch back to her own world, but knows the only way to do that is if he grabs on to her, and then touches his golden ring. Since he can’t go off searching for the Witch and his Uncle, he must stay inside and wait.

While waiting for the Witch to return, a woman stops by with some grapes for Digory’s sick mom. Digory overhears a conversation between this woman (whose name I can’t remember so let’s call her Cher) and Aunt Letty. It seems that Dig’s mom is in bad shape. She’s very sick, so I’m not even going to bother learning her name or give her a new one. Why get attached? Cher and Letty agree that grapes will do Digory’s mom well, but what the woman really needs is some magic life elixir.

On any other day, Digory would laugh off the thought of magic juice, but today he’s been to other realms and knows magic is real. And so he thinks of ways to find real magic juice that can save his mom’s life.

The Witch returns home (I don’t know why), with police and most of the town yelling and running behind her. She has made a mess of the city and everyone is angry.

Prediction
[Digory, Polly and Jadis are zapped to another dimension]
DIGORY: Where are we now?
JADIS: This is Challenge Zone, the realm where young people must survive in a post-apocalyptic setting. First, you must discover your Life Tribe. You will be classified as either a Water Ranger, Brain Ranger, The Wreckless, or Spider Class, where all of our enemies come from.
POLLY: [Looks at her birthmark in the shape of a tiger] I am of The Wreckless!
DIGORY: Because I have visions of numbers, I must be Brain-Ranger class!
POLLY: But that means we’re rivals!
HOLDEN: And I’m here too. I’m handsome, but I’m Spider Class. If only a young woman would tame me and change my ways. [wears sunglasses]
POLLY: I hate you, Holden. But…I also don’t not hate you. I’m confused! Also, I’m good with gymnastics, because that’s my speciality. And I read most every book, because I’m also nerdy.
DIGORY: Hurry! The tournament begins soon, and if you don’t choose a boyfriend before Winter’s Moon, the government agency known only as The Dynamic will rule forever! And prom is next week!
[Continued in the next book, and then two more books, and then another book]

Chapter Eight: The Fight at the Lamp-Post
Better Title: “Pan-sabanywa-labi-laba-dah!” – Opening song of The Lion King

There’s a big scuffle as the police try to sort out what happened. The Witch has clearly ridden through town, acting like a mad woman and stealing things. Digory sees an opportunity and with the help of Polly (who came out to see the scuffle), wants to send the Witch back to Charn.

There’s a fight, with Uncle Andrew grabbing the Witch and the Witch grabbing the horse and the horse’s owner, who seems like a nice guy and I hope one day gets a jetpack.

When Digory grabs on to the Witch’s ankle, Polly grabs him and touches the ring and they travel to the Wood Between Worlds. But because Uncle Andrew, the cabbie and the horse were all touching, they came along too. And they’re all naked because why would the magic work on clothes?! Just kidding. They’re not naked. At least the author doesn’t tell us they’re naked.

Not much happens in the Wood Between Worlds. The horse, named Strawberry, takes a drink from one of the ponds and when she does, everyone goes blasting off into a new dimension. Only this time, everything is dark and empty.

Everyone stands around for bit, trying to understand what happened. And then a singing voice can be heard, and it fills some of them with hope and joy. Uncle Andrew doesn’t seem to like the music. More voices accompany the first and soon stars appear in the black sky and the sun begins to rise as the glorious song continues!

And then there’s a lion! And that’s Jesus! Hi Jesus! And so this world came into being!

Prediction
[Polly dramatically rides Strawberry into the field, Holden rides a futuristic motorcycle, and Digory is riding a bicycle-built-for-two by himself]
POLLY: Part of me loves Digory. He’s a good friend.
DIGORY: Yay!
POLLY: But I also love Holden.
HOLDEN: Of course.
POLLY: It’s difficult being a young woman.
DIGORY: Yep. But if we work together, we can defeat The Dynamic and end the ruthless Suicide Derby that the government makes us participate in.
POLLY: Well, at least we can trust Grand Admiral Maggie. She is surely our friend.
GRAND ADMIRAL MAGGIE: No I’m not! Ha! Our friendship was a lie. I just told The Dynamic of your location and soon they will make you play in the Suicide Derby…against each other!!! And this time, you won’t have your vision helmet or the Digital Sword!
POLLY: So what you’re saying is that now, once and for all, we’ll see if I have what it takes to be the President of Life-Land (a.k.a. Narnia)?
[This conversation is split up into three movies]

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