Chapter Five:The Deplorable Word
Better Title: Stick and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Will Cease My Existence

Dude, we’re like 60 pages in and there ain’t no Narnia! What the hell? I came here for the Narnia and all I get is another chapter of non-Narnian magic realms of mystery and suspense? This book is crap. They should call it The Chronicles of Nosey British Kids.

Just kidding. I love it.

The bell was rung, things shook and the tall mannequin woman sprang to life! She’s seven feet tall and looks beautiful, but Polly doesn’t like her. I don’t like her either. I hope she gets kicked in the shins. Does this tall lady get kicked in the shins? Don’t tell. I want to be surprised.

Tall Woman, who we learn is Queen Jadis of Charn, wants to know which mighty magician has awoken her, and when she finds out it was just silly Diggy, she doesn’t understand how such an insignificant child could have entered this world through the powers of magic. And then not one of the children kicks her in the shins. Booo!

Queen Jadis takes the children by the hand, and drags them through the city of Charn while explaining that the city once thrived until one day there was a war between her and her sister, and to end the war, Jadis spoke the Deplorable Word, a word so powerful that it destroyed all the people of the city except herself.

I’ve thought about this, and here are the possible Deplorable Words which could hold such power:

Chiffon – I hate that word, and I don’t know why.
Canker
Millipede
Geoff – When pronounced like “cough.”
Milky
Milky Geoff
Macro Economics
Hhnggggggggg-rrrrrng
Stunk
Algebra
Y’all-Ready-For-This?
Soupy

If it’s any of those words, I can understand its power.

One word I have no problem with is “moist.” To some, it is devil’s speak and that monosyllabic word brings forth tremors and nausea. But I don’t mind it at all. It reminds me of cake. Ahhh…cake.

But let’s add “monosyllabic” to this list of possibly evil words because that word sounds like a sloppy bathroom situation. But of all the words in human language, none is as deplorable as “intolerance.” (Please nominate that previous sentence for the “Bravest and Most Thoughtful Sentence of 2016 Trophy” and the Pulitzer.)

Digory is pissed. He wants to know why Queen Jadis went ahead and killed all the regular people, but Jadis doesn’t care. She’s as nasty as she wants to be! Girl power!

Polly and Digory get the feeling that Jadis isn’t a nice queen, like Taylor Swift. She might be a terrible, evil queen, like Katy Perry. They try to escape but Jadis wants to know where the two are going, and when she finds out about London and Uncle Andrew, she wants to go there and conquer the hell out of that place.

The children try to escape and quickly touch the rings and…the chapter ends.

Prediction
DIGORY: You know what’s odd?
POLLY: Your face.
DIGORY: The Queen spoke perfect English.
POLLY: You speak English. So you’re odd, too. Burn.
DIGORY: [sigh] I get it. We have a back-n-forth thing going on here, Polly. But maybe if we try to figure out why —
POLLY: Hey, you’ve got something on your shirt.
DIGORY: Polly…
POLLY: For real. There’s, like, mustard on your shirt.
DIGORY: If I look down, do you promise not to flick my head and nose?
POLLY: I would never!
[Digory looks down at his shirt. Polly flicks his head and nose]
DIGORY: Polly! You promised! [Starts crying]
POLLY: You didn’t let me finish. I was going to say, “I would never…agree to such terms.” Now put on your big boy pants and suck it up, Diggles. We’s got witches to kick.

Chapter Six: The Beginning of Uncle Andrew’s Troubles
Better Title: Don’t Trust the B in Realm #3

The children pop up in the lake of The Wood Between Holes (or whatever it’s called), but with them came Queen Jadis, who the kids now call a witch!

Could this be the Witch from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe? Who knows!? Actually, many, many people know because apparently I’m the only one who hasn’t read these books.

Polly and Digory think it’s best to leave the witch in the Wood Between Holidays (or whatever it’s called), and quickly leap into the pond that will take them home. BUT JADIS LATCHES ON TO DIGORY AND COMES WITH THEM!

They plop into Uncle Andrew’s study where Jadis quickly takes control of the situation demanding that Uncle Andrew do as she says. Uncle Andrew obeys and hurries out to find Jadis a carriage while the children are left alone with the evil, giant woman.

Polly ditches Digory, because she’s useless. Or maybe she’s just scared and tired of this witch. Either way, she leaves the room and heads back home, but only after promising to come back and discuss things with Digory.

The chapter shifts to focus on Uncle Andrew who puts on his best clothes for the new witch in his house. He’s giddy and can’t wait to see what happens next. He’s about to leave and get Jadis a cab, but he stops at the door when his wife, Aunt Letty — who is, for some reason, mending a mattress — asks what the hell is going on.

But before Andrew can explain, the witch appears at the front door! Oh noes!

I love this book so far! Love it!

Prediction
ANDREW: Um…don’t mind that giant woman. She’s just a friend.
AUNT LETTY: A friend?
ANDREW: She’s a witch, ok. But don’t be so weird about it. She’s cool. Everything is cool.
LETTY: Come on, Andy. You can’t bring witches into this house and…
ANDREW: What the bloody hell are you doing?
LETTY: What? I’m just mending a mattress.
ANDREW: What happened to the mattress?
LETTY: Um…stuff. None of your business.
ANDREW: Well, if you have business that is none of mine, than I’m allowed to have business that is none of yours. I have a witch, and you have a busted mattress. Let’s agree to keep our secrets secret, shall we?
LETTY: Very well.

[Aunt Letty’s story continues in The Chronicles of Mattress Buster, a 9-part erotic tale of magical “portals” and a woman’s self-discovery.]

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