Chapter Two: Digory and his Uncle
Better Title: Lord of the Rings

It’s unfair to judge a book by only its first few chapter, but I’m not a fair man (just ask the trick-or-treaters who come to my house, some of whom are given Snickers, others a handful of old watch batteries). This is a good book. I like the writing style and the humor. And even if no real child would ever talk like Digory does in this chapter, the character is fun.

With Polly blasted into who-knows-where, Digory is left alone in the room with his wacky Uncle Andrew. There’s a lot of exposition in this chapter, as Andrew explains that he made the rings from magic powder given to him by his fairy godmother. It’s been a few days since I read it, so forgive me for not remembering every detail of the backstory. Also, forgive me for shouting at the stupid dumb stairs for being so stupid. It’s only because I stopped eating sugar that I am this grumpy towards stairs and gravity and wind and light and the noise of television and my stupid hair and the way in which some people pronounce “schedule” like their they goddamn queen of language!

I miss sugar.

Digory argues with his Uncle for a bit, and I love it. The back and forth is silly and perfectly charming, while at the same time downright sinister, since, after all, we’re dealing with a man who may have just sent a young girl into hell…or worse…the public bathroom at the playground!

Uncle Andrew, in his clever, Lex Luthor style, says there are two rings needed to travel to other worlds. The first, golden, ring will send a person to a special place, and the green ring will bring them back. Polly left with only the gold ring, so she has no way of returning from whatever realm she popped into. And so, using tricks of logic and guilt, Uncle Andrew convinces Diggy to take the green rings and the remaining gold ring and go find Polly and bring her back.

This is all part of Uncle Andrew’s experiment. Before the children arrived, he was using guinea pigs as his test subjects, sending them into other worlds.

It makes me wonder, and again there’s a chance I read this wrong, how many rings does Uncle Andrew have? If I had magic rings, I wouldn’t waste them on guinea pigs. I would give them to bank robbers, banishing the bank robbers away and then I’d be a hero and I’d get a cake and it would be rude of me to not eat the hero cake, even if I’m not eating sugar. And so I eat the cake. All of it.

Digs decides that the only way to help Polly is to touch the golden ring, travel to whatever hellscape she’s stuck in, and then use the green rings to plop back into London. He touches the ring and…

Prediction
DIGORY: Polly, where are you?
POLLY: I’m right here.
DIGORY: What is this place?
POLLY: I don’t know. I’m stupid and this blog is stupid and blah blah blah.
DIGORY: You’re just saying that because Dan has given up sugar.
DAN: Shut up! This ain’t even about me! Now take these watch batteries and leave me alone!

Chapter Three: The Wood Between The Worlds
Better Title: Hello, from the Other Side

Digory wakes up underwater, and soon rises to the surface of a small pond. There are other ponds surrounding him in a magical forest. He soon finds Polly, who doesn’t remember him and then he kinda forgets what’s going on too. After a little bit of brain work, he manages to remember who he is and what’s happening.

Polly and Digory explore for a bit, and learn that the small pools are only ankle-deep, so some sort of magic must be involved to travel through them. Digory man-splains how the rings work, and his theory that all these pools lead to different worlds. The Wood Between Worlds is like a train station, or an airport, or a very weird dentist office that features portals to other realms.

You know how else you can travel between realms? Using the Pencil of Portals, available right now at PowerPencils.com!!!

I’m not sure who is the main character of this book. I thought it was Polly, since she was the first character we meet. But maybe Digs is the main character. Or maybe they both are.

They agree to do some exploring before heading back home, and after some confusion on how the rings work, they decide on a new pond to jump into. And off to another world they go…

Prediction
POLLY: This world is…golden.
DIGORY: Everyone here is happy. Look at all the people getting along. No one is fighting. And because no one ever gets sick, all hospitals have been turned into amusement parks where there are no lines!
POLLY: And all the puppies. Look at all the puppies and the freedom! So much freedom and joy.
[A man walks by]
DIGORY: Excuse me, sir. But can you tell us what realm we’ve landed in?
MAN: My sweet child. This is America in 2021, one year after the great Kanye West became our president! Here, have a hundred dollars…
POLLY: I’m never leaving.

Chapter Four: The Bell and the Hammer
Better Title: We’re Not In Kansas Anymore…or Maybe We Are. I’ve Never Been. Not Sure What It’s Like These Days.

The children end up in a new world, an empty world, a world that looks somewhat ruined and abandoned. It’s Detroit.

Or maybe it’s some magic city of forgotten things.

As the kids walk around, I love the descriptions of this place. It’s one courtyard after another, and each one is decaying and old.

They finally find what looks like a row of people, or maybe statues or mannequins. These…things, are dressed extravagantly but seem to be frozen in time. The expressions on their faces change as you look down the row, going from happy to miserable.

Near these statue-people is a bell and a hammer. There’s a note that says you can either ring the bell and deal with whatever happens, or walk away and die not knowing what the bell does.

Polly, who seems level-headed, thinks it’s best to walk away. But Digory needs to know what happens when the bell is struck because he’s a man and that’s how we do.

I would ring the bell. I would ring it nine times before even reading the sign. That’s me. That’s how I live. I’m here to play. I’m all in, all the time! If I were an NFL coach, my team would always go for it on 4th down. If I get Double Jeopardy, it’s all going on the line. I don’t come to a magic land to NOT ring the mystical bell of mystery. I grab life by the face and say, “Mmm-hmm.”

I live by two mottoes:

When you get bells, you ring ‘em.

When you get magic rings, you wear ‘em.

Always.

[Nike, please contact me if you’d like to use that above inspirational quote as part of an ad campaign for new Nike bells or Nike rings.]

The bell is rung, there’s a loud crash and then…nothing. Hmmm.

Prediction
POLLY: Well now you’ve done it. Why did you ring the bell? What if something bad happens?
DIGORY: You’re worried about the bell? What about the fact that we traveled to another universe? That didn’t worry you? What if we plopped down into a world without oxygen? Ever think of that?
POLLY: Well, I…
DIGORY: Yeah, I rung the bell, but at least I don’t accept gifts from strangers. This is you. [Does impression of Polly] Why thank you creepy man, I would love a ring and I’ll take it because I like pretty things and I would love to help you look for your lost dog by riding in the back of your van. Unless there’s a bell in the back of the van. Indeed. I’m Polly and I worry about bells and little else. [Ends impression] That’s you. That’s how you sound.
POLLY: Well this is you! [Does impression of Digory] I’m destructive and mean and my name sounds like the name of a man’s naughty bits and my dad went to India to get away from me because I smell like wet hair.
[Polly and Digory fall in love and get married]

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