Chapter Thirteen: An Unexpected Meeting
Better Title: Apple Store

Did Aslan create this entire world, or just Narnia? He seems to not know much about the other countries, or mentions them in such a way that makes me think someone else made those places. Are there other animal gods? That’d be awesome!!!

Also, if Aslan is a fan of “children of Adam,” does that mean he’s a fan of Jesus? He knows who Jesus is? Or is he Jesus? And if he’s Jesus, why isn’t he in our world stopping war and terror, instead of living in fairy land and teaching elephants to speak? Is Jesus more powerful than Aslan? Is Gandalf more powerful than Jesus? Is Aladdin’s Genie more powerful than Gandalf? And can Luke Skywalker beat Superman? And would Superman have double-power if he fought Luke on Tatooine, because there are two yellow suns? And does the Silver Surfer pee? And why are strawberry pancakes breakfast but strawberry shortcake dessert? And ten years ago, did my frog Jasper die of natural causes or did my other frog, Penelope, kill him?

These are the questions keeping me up at night. Continue reading →

Chapter Eleven: Digory and His Uncle Are Both In Trouble
Better Title: Humans Rule

If I were a creature of Narnia, I’d be pissed.

This chapter begins with Uncle Andrew fainting. The talking animals try to figure out if he’s a human like Digory and Polly, or if he’s a tree, unlike any other tree they’ve seen. Eventually, the animals plant Uncle Andrew in the ground and the elephant waters him. It’s a cute scene that works well in a children’s story, but would be frustrating and awful in any other story since it’s never explained how the animals seem to know so much about life, and yet still know so little about everything. They can form complete sentences, but lack the cognitive capacity to understand that something is not at all a tree.

The most important part of this chapter comes when Digory catches up to Aslan. The great God-Lion is holding court with the other animals when Digory interrupts and whines about his dying mother. Aslan doesn’t even look at the kid, and instead tells the animals, “This little brat totes ruined Narnia because he brought a Witch here.” Continue reading →

Chapter Nine: The Founding of Narnia
Better Title: Dinosaurs Do Not Exist

Why aren’t there dinosaurs in Narnia? In this chapter, the great God-Lion creates trees and animals but doesn’t make any dinosaurs. That bums me out.

Most of the chapter is descriptive, as everyone watches the lion walk around and sing, and as he sings all kinds of stuff comes into being. It’s very magical and beautiful, but there should be dinosaurs.

There’s no dinosaurs at all, not even little ones. The lion makes dogs pop out of the ground and birds fall out of the sky, but he doesn’t make any dinosaurs. Continue reading →

Chapter Seven: What Happened at the Front Door
Better Title: 99 Problems And a Witch Is One

Sometimes (or always) when blogging my way through the Twilight books, I dreaded the days when I had to shove the words into my eyes and read the chapter. But with these books, I look forward to it. It’s nice to enjoy reading again.

I’m wondering how these books escaped me my entire life. This will sound sexist because…well…it is, but perhaps these books are more popular with young girls than young boys. And I’m not sure why. Continue reading →

Chapter Five:The Deplorable Word
Better Title: Stick and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Will Cease My Existence

Dude, we’re like 60 pages in and there ain’t no Narnia! What the hell? I came here for the Narnia and all I get is another chapter of non-Narnian magic realms of mystery and suspense? This book is crap. They should call it The Chronicles of Nosey British Kids.

Just kidding. I love it.

The bell was rung, things shook and the tall mannequin woman sprang to life! She’s seven feet tall and looks beautiful, but Polly doesn’t like her. I don’t like her either. I hope she gets kicked in the shins. Does this tall lady get kicked in the shins? Don’t tell. I want to be surprised.

Tall Woman, who we learn is Queen Jadis of Charn, wants to know which mighty magician has awoken her, and when she finds out it was just silly Diggy, she doesn’t understand how such an insignificant child could have entered this world through the powers of magic. And then not one of the children kicks her in the shins. Booo! Continue reading →

I know very little about The Chronicles of Narnia. My mom read hundreds of stories to me as a child, and we would regularly check big piles of books out of the library, but the Narnia chronicles never made an appearance in my childhood.

I’ve read The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings a few times, and I love A Wrinkle in Time, so if these books are anything like those, I’m in luck. And if it’s anything like a YA teen romance book, then I’m giving up on everything and will swear off all words, even the verbs, for all time.

I have seen the 2005 film version of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, but I don’t remember much of it. There was a goat-man and a street lamp and Captain Hook, right? Continue reading →