Monthly Archives: January 2017

Daily Transmission #31: The Last Jedi Opening Title Crawl (LEAKED!)

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We have the title for the next Star Wars movie and now we know how the movie will start! This is the opening crawl of the movie. We have confirmed it 100%! Please share now before Disney takes it down! (Full text below the images.)

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

The galaxy is a mess. It’s a mess. It’s an all the way mess. The First Order has begun preparations on a new planet-sized weapon called The Kill Cannon. Meanwhile, the Resistance is very sad most of the time despite the fact that they have cool spaceships and laser guns. It’s like…what more do you want?

Anyway, Rey has handed the lightsaber to Luke, and Luke gave her a cryptic frown as if he tasted beer for the first time in front of cool guys and doesn’t want them to know he thinks it tastes bad.

Rey and Luke then talked for a bit. Luke asked, “Did you see my robot hand?” And Rey didn’t seem that interested. And Luke said, “Want me to build you one?” And Rey said her hands were fine, and that pissed Luke off for some reason. And he made her do all these chores for no real reason!

Meanwhile, Poe found the missing locket that, when placed inside The Kill Cannon’s engine core, will make everything go BLAST-O! And Finn’s okay, but…well, you’ll see.

So now sit back and get ready! Because here comes the first part of the movie! There’s going to be a whooshing shot of spaceships! Oh, and Lando’s in this one! Don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret. This part of the song is the best…duh, duh, duh daaah! DAH! Duuuh! DAAAAH!

Daily Transmission #30: Winter Weather Definitions

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In an effort to inform viewers, the National Weather Service would like to take a moment to explain the definition of specific weather warnings and events.

Winter Weather Advisory – Cold rain mixing with hours of undeserved news footage. Roads will be damp and covered by video cameras. School children will first get excited and then disappointed. That said, you should still buy bread in a frenzy.

Winter Storm Watch – Something stirs in the distance. What is it? What’s out there? How can you predict chaos? We can’t yet make out what our doom shall be: Snow? Ice? Falcons? Nothing at all? Gather your loved ones and huddle by the fire. Anything may occur. Our science has failed us. We know not our devil.

Winter Storm Warning – There will be snow! Everything shuts down for at least twelve hours. Snow day! You will have so much free time! You’ve been waiting for a good snow day all winter. The day is filled with possibilities! Buy bread, milk, eggs, paint for the living room, nine jigsaw puzzles, a closet organizer, a book on writing your own screenplay, paint for the kitchen, a grown-up coloring book and 1,000 colored pencils, a book on knitting, yarn, knitting needles, a cookbook, a bread maker, putty so you can finally fix that hole in the hallway, hallway paint, 10 frames for pictures you’ve been meaning to hang, a tool belt, book about meditation for beginners, book about history, seven very complicated board games still sealed in their boxes, all kinds of books, miner’s helmet and pickax (you’re finally going to dig that mine you’ve been talking about!), book on making your own shoes, another coloring book, a computer program for scanning old family photos, and one more book! [After making necessary preparations for a snow day, spend the entire day watching NetFlix instead of doing anything]

Winter Weather Ahoy – The ground will get a dusting of snow. Fire up the Instagram machine of your choice and prepare to take a minimum of 25 pictures of snow — taking less only angers the storm. Continue reading →

Daily Transmission #29: Roof Gnomes

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Roof Gnomes
By Dan Bergstein

I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I think you should know — there are three gnomes living on your roof. They are Roof Gnomes.

I use the word “gnome” but they look nothing like storybook gnomes who wear red pointy caps and have white beards. Roof gnomes wear green caps, first of all. They don’t usually have beards. And they are quicker and more nimble than typical gnomes. They also have longer fingers and toes, which is how they stay balanced on roofs. They are very good at balancing.

Roof gnomes aren’t even their true name. In olden times, they were called Himps. And before roofs were invented, Himps lived in trees. Himps must live as high as possible because if a Himp touches the ground, there is a loud SNAP and the Himp disappears forever.

That’s the rule of Himps. They cannot touch the ground. Continue reading →

Daily Transmission #28: Can We Be Friends?

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Before you are allowed to be my friend and enter my home, you must fill out the following questionnaire. Access to my friendship and home will be based on your answers. (Please click images below to enlarge.)

 

After filling out the form, please provide me with your Twitter and Facebook passwords, photographic evidence that you were not anywhere near my goldfish when it died, a poem about how your ancestors were terrible, 78 forms of I.D. each signed by a famous celebrity, a flattering pen and ink drawing of me, and one bald eagle egg that’s ready to hatch.

Once all documents have been verified and you passed the exam, travel to the obstacle course for the physical portion of the friendship test. (You may want to stretch and get a pair of goggles.)

Daily Transmission #18: Creating the Perfect YouTube Video

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Date: 1/18/2017, 10:30 a.m.
Location: Conference Room 207
Meeting Agenda: Crafting the Perfect YouTube Video

In Attendance:
Mark Loogus – CEO, VizTech Pool Furniture
Tina McCork – VP Digital Marketing
Linus Roth – VP Branding and Petroleum Engineering
Francesca Albers – Director of Content
Simon Paulson – Content Director
Doug – Millennial Intern

MARK LOOGUS: Should we get this meeting started?

TINA MCCORK: Great. Yes. Over the past nine months we have monitored every video on YouTube. All of them. We watched all of them. And we tracked the analytics of each video using illegal software developed by a mysterious organization with an address in Sri Lanka. Simon, would you care to speak to that?

SIMON PAULSON: No. Not really. It’s all pretty…iffy. The takeaway is that we have mountains of data. From this data, we should be able to create a perfect YouTube video, one that will connect with every person in the world.

MARK: I like that. I like the sound of that. That’s a good angle. Every person, huh? Walk me through the video pitch. What will our video look like?

FRANCESCA ALBERS: Let’s start with the cover image of the video — the still that will appear as a thumbnail on YouTube’s main page. The data indicates this is important. Right now, we’re playing around with the idea of a sexy woman standing in a scene from The Shawshank Redemption.

MARK: Shawshank?

SIMON: It tracks well, sir. Trust us.

MARK: Go on.

SIMON: In this cover image, there will be a red arrow pointing at the woman’s elbow. And there will be a red circle around the character Andy’s wrist.

MARK: Why?

FRANCESA: Doesn’t matter. When people see red arrows and circles, and they can’t tell what the indicators mean, they will click the video to learn what these arrows and circles are all about. But we never mention the arrow or circle in the video. They just exist outside of the narrative…like phantoms. It’s best not to think about them. Continue reading →

Daily Transmission #15: The Daisy That Rose

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The Daisy That Rose
By Dan Bergstein

Next to the rumbling highway
In the wild grasses and weeds
A small purple flower
Talked to her small purple seeds

“You will one day be planted
And then slowly you’ll grow
But listen my children
There are things yet to know”

“You can grow to the left
You can grow to the right
You can grow ziggy and zaggy
Or grow only at night”

“I won’t tell how
Or yell if you’re wrong
But let me just tell you
Of Daisy Susan, the strong” Continue reading →

Daily Transmission #13: Dan’s 100 Writing Rules (24-1)

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Continued from yesterday.

24. Try writing longhand. And then you’ll realize what a crap-show that is when your hand cramps up and everything is slow and AGH! Go back to electric wording. It’s better.

23. Writing about gadgets and tech is harder than you think.

22. Don’t brag about seeing a movie early. That doesn’t suddenly make you King of Entertainment.

21. How much have your written today? If the answer is less than 1,000 words, you’re not trying. Writing is work. Take it seriously. Get to it!

20. Try your best to never begin a headline with “Here.”

19. Even terrible websites and magazines are staffed by smart, creative people. They know how crappy their product is and are doing the best they can. Continue reading →

Daily Transmission #12: Dan’s 100 Writing Rules (49-25)

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49. Before you begin writing for the day, clap your hands together and say, “Let’s make some magic!” Then knock over a lamp.

48. The less you use parentheticals, the more effective they are. (This is a waste of them, and now when I use them later, it won’t reach maximum wonderfulness.)

47. Cormac McCarthy was given a free pass to omit standard punctuation in his novels. There was a secret ceremony and he got a special sash. You are not Cormac McCarthy. You should use standard punctuation.

46. To combat writer’s block, be a big baby about it and tell your Twitter followers, “Ugh. Terrible day. I don’t even want to talk about it. Please RT.”

45. You are trying to connect with readers. Never forget this. If you simply want to express your thoughts, write them in a diary. The goal of a professional writer is to share their work with the reader. Look at your work from he reader’s perspective. What do they want? Compare that to what you are offering them. This isn’t about you! Continue reading →

Daily Transmission #11: Dan’s 100 Writing Rules (74-50)

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Continued from yesteday.

74. When asked what you do, say, “I am a writer.” Never, ever say, “I am a content creator.” It’s bad enough you tell people you’re a writer. Don’t make it worse.

73. Typos are not the worst thing. Clutch your pearls, but it’s true. Ideas are more valuable than correct spelling and grammar. As an editor, I accepted a story with great ideas and poor grammar long before I accepted a story with mediocre ideas and correct grammar. Don’t get hung up on grammar and spelling.

72. Don’t correct a person’s spelling and grammar unless you are that person’s editor. Otherwise it’s rude. You don’t tell a stranger, “That hat is ugly. That is the wrong hat. Change your hat or else your face does not matter to the world.”

71. Sometimes people use the word “literally” literally to make a point. It’s an exaggeration. It’s okay to do that.

Example:
“After the kiss, Gretchen literally died.”

I am using the word to suggest that the reaction is so extreme it transcends figurative expression. I know what I’m doing. It’s called art, piss hole! Back off!

70. Use “piss hole” as a derogatory term. It’s gross and mean yet does not carry with it the social weight of gender modifiers or sexual preferences. It’s just a yucky, funny thing to call someone. Continue reading →

Daily Transmission #10: Dan’s 100 Writing Rules (100 – 75)

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I’m a writer. Here are my rules for writing. (All of which can be bent or broken.)

100. Never use, “I feel.” This should be obvious. If you’re writing an opinion, then of course it’s how you feel. Stop being so precious about it. This applies to professional writing, but also everyday conversation and social media. Your thoughts are stronger without the feels.

Example:
I feel we should stop launching dogs into space.

We should stop launching dogs into space.

99. Use your third idea. Throw out your first idea because it’s probably an idea everyone has had. Your second idea will be a desperate attempt at originality, and will suffer from your desperation. But the third idea? That’s gold! [This applies to all manner of creativity, from writing headlines to painting murals.]

98. “In conclusion…” is for B- high school presentations. If you use it in your adult, big-boy wording you are not getting a TED Talk.

97. Don’t make friends read your work. My best friends in real life have never read anything I’ve written. I like it that way.

96. Don’t worry about what your family thinks.

95. Make a website. This is a great way to share your work, but it will also teach you about online formatting and presentation, required skills for digital writers.

94. Never, ever steal. Do not steal words, images or even headlines. Make your own. You’re a creative person — do the work! I have no sympathy for plagiarizers or image thieves. Continue reading →