Date: 1/18/2017, 10:30 a.m.
Location: Conference Room 207
Meeting Agenda: Crafting the Perfect YouTube Video
In Attendance:
Mark Loogus – CEO, VizTech Pool Furniture
Tina McCork – VP Digital Marketing
Linus Roth – VP Branding and Petroleum Engineering
Francesca Albers – Director of Content
Simon Paulson – Content Director
Doug – Millennial Intern
MARK LOOGUS: Should we get this meeting started?
TINA MCCORK: Great. Yes. Over the past nine months we have monitored every video on YouTube. All of them. We watched all of them. And we tracked the analytics of each video using illegal software developed by a mysterious organization with an address in Sri Lanka. Simon, would you care to speak to that?
SIMON PAULSON: No. Not really. It’s all pretty…iffy. The takeaway is that we have mountains of data. From this data, we should be able to create a perfect YouTube video, one that will connect with every person in the world.
MARK: I like that. I like the sound of that. That’s a good angle. Every person, huh? Walk me through the video pitch. What will our video look like?
FRANCESCA ALBERS: Let’s start with the cover image of the video — the still that will appear as a thumbnail on YouTube’s main page. The data indicates this is important. Right now, we’re playing around with the idea of a sexy woman standing in a scene from The Shawshank Redemption.
MARK: Shawshank?
SIMON: It tracks well, sir. Trust us.
MARK: Go on.
SIMON: In this cover image, there will be a red arrow pointing at the woman’s elbow. And there will be a red circle around the character Andy’s wrist.
MARK: Why?
FRANCESA: Doesn’t matter. When people see red arrows and circles, and they can’t tell what the indicators mean, they will click the video to learn what these arrows and circles are all about. But we never mention the arrow or circle in the video. They just exist outside of the narrative…like phantoms. It’s best not to think about them.
MARK: Hmm.
TINA: Maybe we should step back and discuss the title for this video. We have several options, including:
- LifeHack Fail Cake
- DIY Makeup Fails (Water Challenge) Bully Karma
- You’re Eating Hotdogs Wrong
- 9 Year Old Sings Nintendo w/ Ukulele — Surprise Visit From Military Dog Reunited
- Busted: 50 Censored Movie Fails
- Star Wars Episode 8 Trailer Leak: Mascara Review
- Will It Sandwich Feat. Slow-Mo Oreo Lego
- Trump Supporter Trash Talk GoPro Shopkins Unboxing
MARK: I like the Nintendo one. Sounds real. Makes me cry.
LINUS ROTH: Let me cut in here and say our brand will only benefit if we use amateur ukulele footage, but other instruments are also good. From best to worst, it goes: Ukulele, acoustic guitar in poorly lit bedroom, marbles/superballs systematically bouncing off xylophone, pretty people doing acapella crap, toddlers rapping hardcore lyrics, harp played by chicken, auto-tuned sound clips from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
MARK: Good to know. How does our video begin?
SIMON: It starts with a young person holding the camera in front of their face and saying, “Wow! I cannot believe this is happening!” In the video, we learn that this person was invited to Spain where he/she will test drive fancy cars and they will be given a free car along with $5,000 in cash and a new drone and scooter.
MARK: Why do they get all that?
LINUS: They’re cool. They deserve it.
FRANCESCA: Viewers want the cool people to be rewarded for their coolness. Trust us. Viewers love seeing people get free stuff.
MARK: So the video is about this cool guy?
SIMON: Only at first. That’s just the opening thirty-seconds. Then we cut to footage of a road rage driver getting what he deserves.
MARK: What does he deserve?
FRANCESCA: He gets pulled over.
MARK: Oh. That’s all? That seems a little disappointing.
FRANCESCA: Most online videos are. But…get this…the cop who pulls him over is actually James Corden. It’s a thing. It’s all a thing! Then there’s singing.
MARK: Why do they sing?
SIMON: Because they’re in the car.
MARK: Why are they in the car?
FRANCESCA: Because that’s where Coolio is.
MARK: Coolio?
FRANCESCA: Remember Coolio? He’s back! And he’s singing all his hits. [starts singing Dr. Dre’s “California Love” for some reason.]
MARK: What happens to the road rage guy?
LINUS: He starts bashing the Ghostbusters reboot.
MARK: That movie is a year old. How is that relevant?
FRANCESCA: Well, he’s only using Ghostbusters as an excuse to yell at women. This guy is very angry because he is powerless. And the only way he can feel powerful is to be criminally obnoxious. Don’t worry though. YouTube won’t take our video down and the police won’t get involved, despite the death threats. It’s all just internet!
MARK: And Coolio is singing through all this?
SIMON: Oh no. That part is done. We’re now in the angry guy’s messy bedroom. It’s hard to hear what he’s saying because of the dog barking and cheap microphone.
MARK: Is that the whole video?
SIMON: No. Then this other guy pranks his wife. He fills her car with snakes…or balloons…or something. Probably snakes. And then she gets pissed.
MARK: Seems reasonable. Is that the end?
LINUS: Heavens no! We didn’t even get to the spoilers.
MARK: Spoilers?
FRANCESCA: We found out, through a reliable source, that in the next season of The Walking Dead, one of the characters will wear brown socks.
MARK: That’s a spoiler?
SIMON: According to our graphic and video description it is.
MARK: This sounds like it’ll be difficult to edit into a cohesive video.
FRANCESCA: Editing? No one cares. We can jump cut to anything at any time. Anyway, after the spoiler, we’re testing As Seen on TV gadgets for three minutes. Guess what: They all suck.
MARK: A consumer angle. That’s interesting. People can use that information.
SIMON: Did you know a melon baller can’t withstand the heat of a blow torch? What a rip off!!!
FRANCESCA: Then we see what happens when you sew Apple gadgets into beanbag chairs and throw them into campfires. Again, pushing that consumer angle. America needs to know.
SIMON: Then it’s footage of Kanye West saying something on a stage–
FRANCESCA: And then footage of someone reacting to that footage…someone old.
MARK: I assume kids will be testing foods at some point. Gross foods? Foreign foods?
SIMON: They’re gonna test salads from ancient China.
MARK: Hoo-boy! Kids hate salads! This is good! I can’t wait to watch!
SIMON: Then we get their reactions to all kinds of things. Kids will react to old stuff from the 90s, types of fruits, their parents’ divorce, clothes from the 80s, flavors of the 90s, shoes of the 80s, weather in the 1990s, MTV, what roofs were like in the 80s, what the heck are magazines, numbers that end in 90, types of wood that was for sale in the 80s, economic policy of the 1990s and, of course, The Goonies!
MARK: Wow!
FRANCESCA: Did me mention that towards the middle of the video someone is making extreme doughnuts — doughnuts topped with cereal, bacon and pumpkin spices! And then they have to eat the doughnut…and the doughnut is covered in illegal hot sauce!
LINUS: The “hot sauce” is technically an industrial acid, but that’s for the commenters to figure out.
SIMON: We’re also in talks with animal experts on ways to get a shelter puppy adopted by a mountain lion. If it works, that’s a win-win.
TINA: Oh, and don’t forget footage showing things Back to the Future 2 predicted accurately. And then an angry rewiew of Star Wars.
SIMON: Doesn’t need to be Star Wars. We just need to pick something and critique every aspect of it so that people think we’re smart. And we have to disagree with a popular opinion. So…if oranges are popular this month, we have to show reasons why oranges are the worst.
MARK: And how does this video end?
FRANCESCA: You mean after we show a mom giving a noncommittal review of a baby toy.
MARK: Noncommittal?
SIMON: Well, she can’t say anything bad about it because the product was given to her for free. And she can’t really recommend it because it’s not that great…it’s just some average bouncy baby thing. Basically, it’s ninety-seconds of a woman describing a thing. People love that type of content. Love it.
MARK: And then the big finale?
FRANCESCA: Yeah. Are you ready? Two words: Pokemon Beyonce.
MARK: I don’t know what those words mean.
SIMON: Don’t worry about it.
MARK: Doug, you’ve been quiet. Do you have anything to add?
DOUG: Seems like a strange way to sell pool furniture.
MARK: Get out! Get out right now! Lousy, lazy millennials. [Doug leaves] So, tell me again about this doughnut. A spicy doughnut? Now that, I gotta see…and share with high school friends I haven’t spoken to in twenty years! They need it!