Category Archives: Daily Transmission

This Blog Is Engaging and Perfect

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“The ideal reading length for a blog post is seven minutes. That translates to roughly 1,600 words.” – Content writing advice offered by marketing experts.

Seven minutes? That makes sense. I haven’t timed my eyeballs or my brain, but spending seven minutes on a blog seems right. If you want an engaging blog, it should take seven minutes to read. However, here we are at the mere 70-word mark and, whoa boy, I’m not sure I can make it to the full 1,600 with this little blog. Right now, it’s more a greeting card than a blog. And we all know how non-impactful (impactless?) and non-viral (healthy?) a greeting card is. I don’t want this to be a willowy and weak greeting card. This is a powerful and mighty blog! This needs to be something big, something substantial, something you can print out and nail to the wall with a railroad spike!
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My Daily Writing Routine

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Creative people have different daily routines. Some writers wake up early to write; some can only work late into the night. We all have our quirks. Because I’m fascinated with the routines of other writers, I felt I should share my own daily routine. Maybe this will work for you. It works for me!

I wake up every day at 9 a.m. and quickly count my toes. I have not seen my toes in many hours and I need to reassure myself that the toes are A)still there and B)facing the right way. After that, I check the bed for any dream artifacts — items from a dream that can come through the dream world and end up in your bed (e.g. ukuleles, frying pan, ducks, a scrap of the serial killer’s shirt, etc.).

Then I come up with an idea for a novel.

Then I slowly get out of bed and check my phone for messages and spiders. Spiders can crawl into your phone and lay eggs. This is where the saying, “Ya got spider babies in that phone, son!” comes from.

If no spiders are present, I reward my phone with a sticker. If there are spiders, the phone is placed in the punishment shed.

I put on my socks and pants and shirt and tie and apron and goggles.

Then I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth to remove all the food ghosts haunting my mouth. This takes an hour or so. Continue reading →

Cover Letter & Resume

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To Whom It May Concern:

I was delighted to find your job listing as my skills would be a great asset to your team of motivated individuals.

To hit a few points mentioned in the job listing, I’d first like to be upfront and admit I have no experience working as an accountant, but that just means beginner’s luck is on my side. I know your ad stated applicants should have 8+ years of experience, but eight years? Really? That seems like overkill. You can probably teach me the important stuff in just a few months, and I’d be ready to go. I learned how to play “Jingle Bells” using a rubber band guitar I made out of a milk carton, so clearly I’m a good learner. By the way, how much vacation time is there?

My organization skills are poor and the thought of multitasking stirs within me a panic so sudden and real that…I can’t even finish this. Ugh, right? People scare me, as I assume them to be puppets, and while your ad recommended the job applicant be self-motivated, I’m assuming there’s wiggle room there. I can self motivate myself, but I work better when I don’t have to. I hope that is not a deal-breaker. All of these things are based on my brain’s biology, and so it’s part of my health according to my friends and I. As such, you kind of have to hire me because of the laws. Medically.

As for references, I’d really rather not. I trust that my past employers would say only glowing things about my performance, but I told them all that I’d be a famous singer by now and the thought of them learning the truth bums me out. So let’s keep this between us, okay?

Thank you for your time. The best way to reach me is tomorrow when I stop by your office to see how the job search thing is going. (I’ll be the one in the gold sunglasses.)

Resume is attached below. Click to make it bigger.

Sincerely,
Yours Truly

Complete 2019 Advent Drawing List

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While I didn’t open the Lego Advent calendar, this year I counted down the days until Christmas with help from my girlfriend. Each day, she provided a new drawing prompt for me to sink my artistic teeth into. While I doubt the results are what she expected, we’re happy with how it turned out. Here’s the full list with the prompts. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Day 24: Wish

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No Lego Calendar This Year

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I’m not opening a Lego Advent calendar this year. I feel bad about it. The Lego Advent Calendar and subsequent blog have become one of my favorite Christmas traditions. However, it’s not happening this year for a variety of reasons which I have listed below because this is the internet.

I’m Busy – I have freelance and consulting projects that require focus and lots of emails, conference calls, video chats, radio transmissions and coded notes delivered by hawks. And training those hawks to talk is so much trouble I’m not even sure it’s worth it.

The Calendars Are Bad – I looked at this year’s offerings of Lego Advent Calendars, and they all seem so very, very meh. Even the new Harry Potter calendar seems lackluster. By not buying the calendar, I’m voting with my dollars and sending a message to Lego that we demand higher quality toy calendars filled with imagination and creativity instead of yet another snowmobile and pathetic excuse for a table. Come on, Lego! Give us something new!

I’m Not Feeling It – Am I being a Scrooge? Yes. But it’s better to take a year off than to blog my way through the month with a sour puss on my face. I don’t want to do something in my free time out of a heavy sense of obligation. I want to do it out of a heavy sense of wonderment. Or for cash. Or for gems.

Christmas isn’t ruined. It’s just different.

I still plan to do some fun stuff on this fancy webnet during the next month. Might try some recipes. Invent some cocktails. Steep some herbal teas. I have no real plan, but I plan to have a plan. And that’s the first step to planning!

And if you haven’t read the old Lego Advent blogs, get comfy and enjoy 9 years worth of drama, excitement, joy, horror and one instance of nudity.

Year One
Year Two
Year Three – The bad time.
Year Four
Year Five
Year Six
Year Seven – Playmobil a’hoy!
Year Eight
Year Nine

Happy Holidays!