Before you are allowed to be my friend and enter my home, you must fill out the following questionnaire. Access to my friendship and home will be based on your answers. (Please click images below to enlarge.)

After filling out the form, please provide me with your Twitter and Facebook passwords, photographic evidence that you were not anywhere near my goldfish when it died, a poem about how your ancestors were terrible, 78 forms of I.D. each signed by a famous celebrity, a flattering pen and ink drawing of me, and one bald eagle egg that’s ready to hatch.

Once all documents have been verified and you passed the exam, travel to the obstacle course for the physical portion of the friendship test. (You may want to stretch and get a pair of goggles.)