Roof Gnomes
By Dan Bergstein

I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I think you should know — there are three gnomes living on your roof. They are Roof Gnomes.

I use the word “gnome” but they look nothing like storybook gnomes who wear red pointy caps and have white beards. Roof gnomes wear green caps, first of all. They don’t usually have beards. And they are quicker and more nimble than typical gnomes. They also have longer fingers and toes, which is how they stay balanced on roofs. They are very good at balancing.

Roof gnomes aren’t even their true name. In olden times, they were called Himps. And before roofs were invented, Himps lived in trees. Himps must live as high as possible because if a Himp touches the ground, there is a loud SNAP and the Himp disappears forever.

That’s the rule of Himps. They cannot touch the ground.

A long time ago, a regular gnome crossed paths with an evil cave hag. The cave hag used its dark magic and cursed the gnome by saying, “All of your descendants shall never touch the ground again!” And from that point on, the gnome and all of his descendants began living up in trees, and then roofs. (And if the news from Roof Gnome headquarters is true, they will soon live on space stations and then other planets, but that won’t happen for another ten years at least.)

There’s more to story of the first Himp, but it’s not important now.

What is important is that there are three Himps living on your roof right now, and one of them needs your help.

The three Himps are siblings. Their names are Ooma (she’s the eldest sibling and smartest), Aama (she’s the middle child and mischievous), and Eema (he’s the youngest and is terribly shy).

Now don’t panic. Himps (or Roof Gnomes) are not dangerous. They are as friendly as puppies! While some may play a prank or two, just as a puppy might chew up your favorite shoe, they will never hurt you.

Himps are very difficult to see. I am one of only a dozen people who has ever seen one. They have wonderful camouflage and love to hide. They’re no bigger than your fist. And they can move quite fast…faster than most humans can see.

Himps sleep during the day, often hiding in gutters or inside chimneys. And at night they come out and play. Perhaps you’ve heard them running back and forth on your roof.

Himps spend most nights jumping from roof to roof, and climbing high in trees and then jumping from a tree to another roof and leaping into more trees. They can jump very, very far. Even nimble squirrels are impressed with how Himps move and run and play. After living high off the ground for so many thousands of years, Himps have gotten very good at it.

But accidents do happen. Every so often a Himp will slip and fall and touch the ground. Then SNAP…and they’re gone.

This is why Eema, the youngest sibling living on your roof, rarely jumps into trees or visits other roofs. He stays put, safe and secure on your roof while his sisters dart around the neighborhood stealing flowers and climbing trees.

He likes it that way.

But something happened last week. While his sisters were off jumping on other roofs, Eema was walking on your roof like he does most nights and decided to crawl to the edge of your roof and looked down into the yard. When he looked down to the dangerous ground, he said to himself, “That’s so scary.”

“I am not scary,” came a voice from the yard.

“Who said that?” Eema said.

“I did,” came the voice.

Eema looked but didn’t see any other Himps, fairies, imps, gnomes, leprechauns or awful, awful pixies (he hated pixies). “Who’s there?” he said, squinting into the darkness.

“I did,” said the voice. “I’m a rock.”

Did you know rocks could talk? Perhaps I should have shared that with you earlier. Honestly, it’s as if schools today have neglected the most basic information. Simply put: Yes, rocks can talk. They have tiny mouths and eyes. Most don’t talk because they have nothing to say.

“Which rock are you?” said Eema from your roof. There are several rocks in your yard and Eema wasn’t sure which rock was speaking to him.

“I’m the rock over here. I’m gray and tiny, about the size of a baseball. My name is Edith,” said the rock, whose name was Edith.

Eema finally found the right rock and called down to her, “Hello.”

“Hello,” Edith said. “Are you a bird?”

“No. I’m a Roof Gnome which is the same thing as a Himp.”

“I see,” said Edith. “Why do you think I’m scary?”

“I don’t think you’re scary,” Eema said.

“You said I was scary,” Edith said.

“No, I said the ground was scary,” Eema corrected. “I wasn’t talking about you.”

“Oh. Why is the ground scary?” Edith asked. She had never talked to a Himp before and was enjoying the conversation.

“If I touch the ground, I’ll vanish forever,” Eema said. He was now kneeling very close to the edge of the roof, closer than normal.

“Why will you vanish?” Edith asked.

“Because of a cave hag,” said Eema. “It’s a long story. Our culture is complicated.”

“I understand,” said Edith. “I’m a rock and that means I must stay in the ground. If I’m ever taken out of the ground, I won’t be able to talk or think or see or anything!”

This was true. Rocks were alive, but only when they were on the ground. Once lifted off the ground, they were just…well…regular rocks. Rock culture is also complicated.

“What is it like to be on the ground,” Eema asked.

“It’s nice,” said Edith. “But I wish I could see more things. Can you see many things from up there?”

Eema took a moment and looked out at the neighborhood. He could see many houses and trees and clouds and a mountain in the distance. “I can see houses and mountains and things like that,” he said.

“Wow!” Edith said. “My great-great-grandma was a mountain!”

“What can you see down there?” Eema asked.

“Well, there is grass and dirt and tiny flowers and a worm named Barney. Hello Barney.”

Barney the worm nodded to Edith and kept crawling to work.

“I’ve always wanted to touch dirt and grass and meet a worm,” Eema said from the roof.

And just then Eema’s sisters returned and Eema had to say goodbye to Edith. It was time for bed.

But the next night, Eema crawled to the edge of the roof again and called out, “Edith? Are you there?”

“Of course I am,” said Edith. “I can’t go anywhere, silly.”

“Oh, right,” said Eema. “How are you doing?”

“I’m okay,” she said. “What did you do today?”

“I threw some sticks into the chimney and my sisters are out jumping on roofs.”

“That sounds fun,” said Edith.

“What did you do today,” Eema asked.

“I thought about the color purple for a while. I’ve been thinking about it for many years and have finally decided it’s my third favorite color. And then I saw an airplane in the sky!”

“I saw it too,” Eema said with a shout. (Perhaps you heard him shouting. He was very excited.)

Eema and Edith talked the entire night. Edith told Eema what dirt feels like and Eema told Edith what the other side of the yard looks like. Edith told Eema about geology and Eema told Edith about gnome history. They even had an inside joke about awful pixies. (Pixies are very awful and mean and say nasty things about even their closest friends.)

Edith and Eema talked the next night too. And the next. They talked about hiding and how you and your friends never seem to notice them. They talked about weather (Edith loves rain, but Eema says it makes the roof too slippery.) And they talked about their favorite stars and clouds.

And the next night Edith asked if Eema could ever come down to visit her, and Eema looked scared. He wanted to go down and meet his new friend face to face, but was worried about touching the ground.

When he asked his sisters what to do, Ooma and Aama teased him — as older sisters often do.

But now I wonder if you could help. Are you busy today? If you have a moment, perhaps you could place a thick towel or blanket on the ground by the rock. Then Eema could hop down and land on the towel and talk to Edith face-to-face. Wouldn’t that be lovely!

If you help Eema and Edith, they might help you in return. Roof Gnomes are good at protecting and rocks are great at history homework since they’ve been alive for millions of years.

Whenever you have the chance to help a Roof Gnome or a rock, you should do so.

If you’re busy, I understand. Like I said at the beginning, I just thought you should know.

There are three Roof Gnomes living right above you. They are mostly nice. And there is a talking rock in your yard, and her name is Edith. She’s nice too. And I think Eema and Edith like each other.

But if anyone asks, you didn’t hear it from me.

Please let me know what happens!

(You also have a goblin in the kitchen pantry. He eats fingers.)