Continued from yesteday.

74. When asked what you do, say, “I am a writer.” Never, ever say, “I am a content creator.” It’s bad enough you tell people you’re a writer. Don’t make it worse.

73. Typos are not the worst thing. Clutch your pearls, but it’s true. Ideas are more valuable than correct spelling and grammar. As an editor, I accepted a story with great ideas and poor grammar long before I accepted a story with mediocre ideas and correct grammar. Don’t get hung up on grammar and spelling.

72. Don’t correct a person’s spelling and grammar unless you are that person’s editor. Otherwise it’s rude. You don’t tell a stranger, “That hat is ugly. That is the wrong hat. Change your hat or else your face does not matter to the world.”

71. Sometimes people use the word “literally” literally to make a point. It’s an exaggeration. It’s okay to do that.

Example:
“After the kiss, Gretchen literally died.”

I am using the word to suggest that the reaction is so extreme it transcends figurative expression. I know what I’m doing. It’s called art, piss hole! Back off!

70. Use “piss hole” as a derogatory term. It’s gross and mean yet does not carry with it the social weight of gender modifiers or sexual preferences. It’s just a yucky, funny thing to call someone.

69. Writers get most gigs through their friends or former work colleagues. Writers do NOT get gigs through LinkedIn. I don’t know of any writers who have landed jobs, freelance or otherwise, through LinkedIn.

68. Laser is an acronym for Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation, but only bring this up to be a cool guy at the party. Don’t talk down to your readers by throwing such facts into your writing.

67. No need to rank the scariest video games, or best video game bosses. Someone has already done it.

66. Number and date your invoices. As a freelancer, you will be sending off invoices monthly, or even weekly, and it’s your job to stay on top of all the paperwork. Things will get lost and companies will refuse to pay you. A paper trail, properly numbered and cataloged, is your only defense against accidents and evil.

65. The plural of octopus is octopuses.

64. Squids are not female octopuses.

63. Don’t make a big deal out of segues. If you nail a segue between two topics, there’s no need to pat yourself on the back.

Example:
…thanks in part to increased cell phone sales. Speaking of phones, and how’s this for a segue, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters is back in theaters this week as fans…

62. The key to Photoshop is layers. Practice using layers. Use so many layers. Spend weeks playing around with layers. It’ll make everything easier later. (Also, writers need a basic understanding of Photoshop or similar photo editing programs such as GIMP. I use GIMP. I like it. It’s free.)

61. Social Media Editors are skilled workers. Their job is more than just posting stuff on Facebook. Don’t assume you can just do their job because you have 500 SnapChat friends and live-blogged an episode of The Walking Dead on Twitter. They are often juggling demands from other editors, marketing associates, PR directors, sales departments and more. Respect their work. Befriend them. Work with them. It’s so much better that way.

60. The first World War was epic. A milkshake is not epic.

59. Memes don’t count.

58. Say yes. If an assignment comes your way, say yes. All experience is good experience. However…

57. Get paid. It’s okay to work for free sometimes (especially when starting out or if the project sounds fun or if you’re helping a friend start something cool) but it’s important to know your own hourly rate for writing. If a company says they cannot pay you for your writing, tread carefully. Would they ask a carpenter to build a bathroom for free? You are worthy of compensation.

56. Yes, they will keep making Fast and Furious movies. Get over it. Stop acting surprised. This isn’t even about you! (It’s about family.)

55. You will get rejected. Most of your work or ideas will never see the light of day. When you get rejected, don’t cry. And don’t assume what you submitted was absolute gold. Sometimes editors are smart and make wise decisions and have good criticism for a piece. They’re not trying to hurt your soul.

54. Go ahead and delete that “Sent from my iPhone” tag at the end of your email, piss hole.

53. Slideshows are the worst. They are terrible to read, terrible to make, terrible to write. Only clueless corporate weasels enjoy slideshows.

52. Superman could defeat Luke Skywalker. Thor could defeat Superman. The Silver Surfer could defeat Thor. Harry Potter ain’t even in this fight.

51. If a PR company sends you free stuff, it is not because they like you. You are not best friends. You do not owe them anything.

50. Don’t preface your rant. Stop apologizing for being angry or warning everyone that your brain-words are about to spill out. Just go for for it, and start writing…piss hole!

Example:
Sorry, but this needs to be said.
Incoming Rant!
I’m wearing my rants pants. So, here goes…
Rant Time:
Check your watch because it’s Rant o’Clock.
I apologize for having thoughts, however…
Welcome to Rants-ylvania!
I’m all like! Ok. So. Rant incoming in 3…2…1!

Numbers 49 – 25 tomorrow!