49. Before you begin writing for the day, clap your hands together and say, “Let’s make some magic!” Then knock over a lamp.

48. The less you use parentheticals, the more effective they are. (This is a waste of them, and now when I use them later, it won’t reach maximum wonderfulness.)

47. Cormac McCarthy was given a free pass to omit standard punctuation in his novels. There was a secret ceremony and he got a special sash. You are not Cormac McCarthy. You should use standard punctuation.

46. To combat writer’s block, be a big baby about it and tell your Twitter followers, “Ugh. Terrible day. I don’t even want to talk about it. Please RT.”

45. You are trying to connect with readers. Never forget this. If you simply want to express your thoughts, write them in a diary. The goal of a professional writer is to share their work with the reader. Look at your work from he reader’s perspective. What do they want? Compare that to what you are offering them. This isn’t about you!

44. Marketing data doesn’t lie…but it doesn’t tell the whole story. Sometimes readers don’t know what they want. Marketing data may indicate stay-at-home uncles are clicking stories about panthers. Does that mean all stories must be about panthers? Nope, because the marketing data can only register reactions to stories that exist. Show stay-at-home uncles a story about panthers and a story about balloons. If they click the panther story, that doesn’t mean they hate stories about mazes. They were never given the option to click a story about mazes. So write about mazes! This probably doesn’t make sense. I’ve been drinking coffee. I love my marketing friends, but there is room and reward for trying things for which no marketing data exists.

43. Don’t actively plan for call-back jokes. They will appear naturally, like rainbows. (And don’t make the joke obvious by including a parenthetical explaining the joke. Your readers will love you more if you let them figure out the joke, like letting a caged T-rex hunt for its own food.)

42. There is a big difference between Fascism and Communism. Make sure your analogy or metaphor is apt.

41. There is nothing wrong with self-publishing an e-book. But please wait until the book has sold more than a dozen copies before you add “Bestselling Author” to your resume.

40. Check your symbols and spacing! CMS stands for “Content Management System.” It’s how your words get crammed into a website. There are many types of CMSs, and they have gotten better over the past ten years. But watch your symbols (like the percent sign) and spacing because there may be formatting issues. A paragraph break may become a paragraph canyon and a percent sign in a Word doc might appear as a bunny rabbit or racial slur on the website. Microsoft Word, in particular, uses a lot of invisible formatting to make the words look real pretty inside the Word program, but those invisible bits of coding can make a CMS cranky.

39. Do not engage with hateful people. You will not change their minds, even with the most capital lettered words. They will not change your mind. Walk away. Have a nice baked potato.

38. Never end an article with, “Right?” or “Cool?”

37. Fake it. No one will know.

36. Press “Ctrl C” to copy something and “Ctrl V” to paste. Only idiots use the mouse to copy and paste. This will save you decades of time.

35. Put “Galore” in a headline. There — the story is now much better.

34. A good joke makes you think. A great joke makes you think about pterodactyls.

33. You can’t sigh or laugh a quote.

Example:
“So many bassoons,” he sighed.

32. Don’t use the word “wheelhouse” — unless it’s about a house on roller skates, and ever then there’s probably a better way to describe it. Roller home? Building-Mobile? The Skate Estate?

31. As a writer, you are expected to know every word, book and poem. If someone asks you about a word, book or poem and you’ve never heard of the word, book or poem, the person is legally allowed to feel superior and they get a badge.

30. It doesn’t matter how much you wanted the team to win, there is only one O in the word “No.”

29. Is it okay to ask a question that you immediately answer? Sometimes. Should you use this so often it becomes a crutch in your writing style? No. It begins to look weird and sound strange. Are you sure? Yes. Even if the point I’m making will knock your socks off? Yes, even then. Do people still say, “Knock your socks off?” Not really, no.

28. Giraffes are not “messed up cows.”

27. Reward yourself for good work. After completing an entire page, eat a thimbleful of sugar. This will keep you motivated and energized.

26. Don’t be surprised if you see a spike in hits for your gymnastics story ever four years, usually during the warmer months. This will be followed by a sharp drop-off in readership.

25. No one ever got a Pulitzer Prize writing about Black Friday deals. You could be the first!

Number 24 – 1 landing tomorrow!