I’m a writer. Here are my rules for writing. (All of which can be bent or broken.)

100. Never use, “I feel.” This should be obvious. If you’re writing an opinion, then of course it’s how you feel. Stop being so precious about it. This applies to professional writing, but also everyday conversation and social media. Your thoughts are stronger without the feels.

Example:
I feel we should stop launching dogs into space.

We should stop launching dogs into space.

99. Use your third idea. Throw out your first idea because it’s probably an idea everyone has had. Your second idea will be a desperate attempt at originality, and will suffer from your desperation. But the third idea? That’s gold! [This applies to all manner of creativity, from writing headlines to painting murals.]

98. “In conclusion…” is for B- high school presentations. If you use it in your adult, big-boy wording you are not getting a TED Talk.

97. Don’t make friends read your work. My best friends in real life have never read anything I’ve written. I like it that way.

96. Don’t worry about what your family thinks.

95. Make a website. This is a great way to share your work, but it will also teach you about online formatting and presentation, required skills for digital writers.

94. Never, ever steal. Do not steal words, images or even headlines. Make your own. You’re a creative person — do the work! I have no sympathy for plagiarizers or image thieves.

93. Don’t learn the name of the weird guy at Starbucks who is always there at the same time you’re writing. Knowing his name will mean you are required to say hello to him every time and ask about his daughter’s graduation. Stay focused!

92. Limit yourself. There’s too much space on the internet, so we think we can fill it all up with great words. Don’t. Instead, think like a newspaper or magazine writer and put hard limits on word count. Your work will be better for it. You don’t need to go on and on about it. Your readers are smart. They can understand your ideas quickly. They are not dumb. And you don’t need so many words to make a point. Use an economy of words. Get in, get out. Write the idea as straightforwardly as possible, without using too many unnecessary sentences repeating the same point you’ve already made. That’s how it’s done. That is a good writing tip, which is why you’ll find it in my Rules of Writing, which is what you are reading now. This is the 92nd rule of that list. It’s about word count and keeping strict limits on your work. This is how it ends. The next item is about something different.

93. Always use the Oxford comma. Or never use it. Whatever. Just try to be consistent. I don’t really care what you do.

94. Don’t say ah. “Ah, Christmas,” is perhaps the worst way to begin an article, story, poem, play, movie, constitution, ransom note, letter, rap or anything else word-related.

93. Never use, “____ is right around the corner.” If I see you do that, I get to hit you in the shins with a heavy yo-yo. If that is your first sentence, delete it. Whatever follows that sentence is a better first sentence.

Example:
Spring is right around the corner! It’s time to get all the dead mice out of your attic.

92. Don’t attack fans; attack the source. I spent a few years blogging through the Twilight books, and did my best to avoid disparaging the fans of those books. It was not the fault of the fans that the book was terrible. People can enjoy whatever they want. My beef was not with the fans, but with the author of the book…who is not a good writer and is hopefully reading this list and taking notes. If you think football is a terrible sport, don’t mock the football fans, mock the sport itself. There’s a difference.

91. Check your spelling of “Matthew Mcconaughey.” It’s not what you think.

90. Test your recording device. If you are interviewing someone, make sure all of your tools are working properly. Even the very best, seasoned journalists may make mistakes and lose entire interviews because the microphone was plugged into the earphone jack, or the batteries died or there wasn’t enough space on the recorder for the three-hour interview with Matthew McConnahey. Never assume everything will work.

89. Your editor is busy. They do not have the time to send you flowery praise for your brilliant work. If you get a simple, “Good stuff,” consider yourself properly patted on the head.

88. Let’s stop making Nickleback the punchline band. They are as relevant as a joke about Rebecca Black.

87. Pitch less than five ideas at a time. Do not drown your editor in ideas.

86. Even the greatest 3D Chalk Art isn’t that great. Stop treating this subject like it’s the Nutella of art.

85. Nutella isn’t that great, either.

84. Also, stop with the “Mind-Blowing Pumpkin Carvings.” And we’ve all seen that cheeseburger with the donut bun. What more on the subject of donut cheeseburgers can be said?

83. Try things yourself. Publishers and media companies want to make money. They are not interested in un-tested, new, off-the-wall concepts. They want things that are proven to sell and attract readers. If you have an off-the-wall concept, try it out yourself on your own site and if it works, publishers and media companies are more likely to respond to your pitches.

82. If an editor or publisher says, “That’s clever,” they probably won’t accept it. Clever = bad, sometimes. See rule #83.

81. A watched social media link never gets “liked.”

80. Even smart people have very dumb days. For instance, and I’m not saying this happened to me, but a person could wake up and wonder: Is the word “penguins” or “penquins”? And the correct answer doesn’t seem right. It’s okay. It’ll be okay. (It happened to me.)

79. The jibboom is the part of the ship that extends the bowsprit. Never call it, “That stick thing on the front of the big boat.” To do so is to slap the very face of Mother Literature.

78. Someone already wrote To Kill a Mockingbird. Try again.

77. A joke should take no more than five minutes to write. If it takes longer than that, move on to something else because it’s just not happening. Come back later and try again, but always keep moving. You can lose an entire day trying to think of a joke about how Jake Gyllenhaal’s name sounds sort of like three names: Jake Jill and Haal. But there’s no joke there…yet.

76. Avoid reading the comments. Bad comments will make you feel like a criminal. Good comments will make you feel like your goddamn Shakespeare. You are not a criminal or a Shakespeare.

75. Write about Millennials. Old people love to read about millennials. Just put “Due to Millennials” in any headline and old people will click and share.

Example:
Zoo Cafeteria Closed for Health Inspection Due to Millennials

Due to Millennials, 18 Barnes and Noble Stores Closing This Month

Winter Weather Advisory in Effect Until 7 p.m. Due to Millennials

#74-50 Continued Tomorrow…