Tag Archives: star wars

2020 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Twenty-Three

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We’re not having any family or friend holiday parties this year, and yet the amount of things that need doing is just as long.  It’s the mystery of Christmas. Even when no Christmas exists, there is still Christmas.

I am mildly stressed. Though holiday stress is not the same as Covid-19 stress. Holiday stress is a tickle behind the ear. Covid-19 stress is a brick to the throat.

How are you doing? Are you taking care of yourself? Drinking water? Getting sleep? Seeking revenge on those who wronged you?

I hope today’s Lego item helps us all manage.

It’s… Continue reading →

2020 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Nineteen

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Star Wars is in the air. I won’t dare spoil The Mandalorian, but this season has been wonderful. I loved it. Merry Christmas to me!

Because Star Wars is in the air, I read a Star Wars book this month. Thrawn, by Timothy Zahn. It was fun. Not high-literature, but fun. Lots of spaceships and shoot-em-ups.  I don’t really know much about the character Thrawn, but I still enjoyed it.

The last Star Wars book I read was Heir to the Empire, also by Timothy Zahn. I was twelve. It was a big deal.

In the late 80s, Star Wars was not in the air. It was at its lowest point — something barely floating around the pop culture landscape. Like He-Man is today. (Place your bets, folks. He-Man will make a Star Wars-esque comeback in the coming years! It will be bigger than Pokemon! Bigger than Marvel! Bigger than Mank! INVEST NOW!)

We still loved Star Wars in 1989, but all we had were three  movies. That’s it. There were no new movies, no cartoons, and certainly not a dozen new, big-budget TV shows on the horizon.

You could watch the three movies, and then watch them again, and then dream about what would happened next. And then we all got bored with our own brains and played Mario Kart.

Star Wars warmed up again in the 90s with news of a Star Wars sequel. It was a book, but it was still a sequel. Heir to the Empire was exciting! It was new! It was real! Finally we could learn what happened to Han, Luke and Leia!

I was pumped. I got the book that summer and remember reading it at the local pool. I read about half of it and got bored and played Tetris or whatever. All I remember about the book is that there was a Wookiee who spoke English. I’m sure the book is good — Star Wars fans seem to dig it — but since Disney torpedoed that whole library of Expanded Universe stories,  and because I’ve had 20 years to finish the book but didn’t, I doubt I’ll ever finish it.

I also can’t find my copy. I may have sold it at a yard sale for 50-cents. Don’t tell Mr. Zahn. Or Admiral Thrawn. Hey, their names rhyme!!!!

Lucas, Luke.

Zahn, Thrawn.

That’s something!

Today’s Lego item is… Continue reading →

The Problem With Spaceships

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I’m two episodes into The Expanse, a SyFy show about space and pretty people. So far, it’s okay. It uses plenty of sci-fi cliches and tropes, but that’s to be expected. And I’m told it gets better. I’ll stick with it…for now.

Watching the show stirred up a recurring problem that most sci-fi space stories rarely deal with: Why are humans flying spaceships?

In the first episodes of The Expanse, it’s clear that drone technology exists and society as a whole seems far more technologically advanced than our current world. And yet ten minutes into the show there’s a gruff and tough human pilot taking the controls of a spaceship like its some sort of giant helicopter. That doesn’t make sense. Continue reading →

Daily Transmission #31: The Last Jedi Opening Title Crawl (LEAKED!)

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We have the title for the next Star Wars movie and now we know how the movie will start! This is the opening crawl of the movie. We have confirmed it 100%! Please share now before Disney takes it down! (Full text below the images.)

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

The galaxy is a mess. It’s a mess. It’s an all the way mess. The First Order has begun preparations on a new planet-sized weapon called The Kill Cannon. Meanwhile, the Resistance is very sad most of the time despite the fact that they have cool spaceships and laser guns. It’s like…what more do you want?

Anyway, Rey has handed the lightsaber to Luke, and Luke gave her a cryptic frown as if he tasted beer for the first time in front of cool guys and doesn’t want them to know he thinks it tastes bad.

Rey and Luke then talked for a bit. Luke asked, “Did you see my robot hand?” And Rey didn’t seem that interested. And Luke said, “Want me to build you one?” And Rey said her hands were fine, and that pissed Luke off for some reason. And he made her do all these chores for no real reason!

Meanwhile, Poe found the missing locket that, when placed inside The Kill Cannon’s engine core, will make everything go BLAST-O! And Finn’s okay, but…well, you’ll see.

So now sit back and get ready! Because here comes the first part of the movie! There’s going to be a whooshing shot of spaceships! Oh, and Lando’s in this one! Don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret. This part of the song is the best…duh, duh, duh daaah! DAH! Duuuh! DAAAAH!

Daily Transmission #5: Must-See Movies of 2017

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Pop the corn and get ready! Here are the best films to see in 2017.

Star Wars Episode VIII: Force It
Who are Rey’s parents? What does the Force taste like? Does Luke have secrets? What is BB-8’s origin story? What are the names of every stormtrooper? Where on the sexuality spectrum does Boba Fett live? Can Yoda be in this one? How about two Death Stars at the same damn time!? Is Kylo Ren a ghost? All will be answered!

Back to the Future: Rise of Time
In this all-female reboot, teenager Martha McFly must travel back to 1985 to make sure her parents fall in love at prom. 80s references galore! The movie exists outside of the original movie, and yet there are references to the original movie so that audiences will be left confused. The trailer gives away the only funny joke, which is about Donald Trump being president in 2017.

Untitled PG-13 Movie Starring The Rock
The Rock plays Craig or maybe Eli — a cop (or dentist? or renegade soldier?) who tilts his head often and says, “Not today, bub.” Plot involves jumping/falling from helicopters and a car flips over. Soundtrack relies heavily on 80s pop rock, though the trailer makes great use of “Who Let the Dogs Out.” Kevin Hart is there, also. Movie is somehow based on an old TV show that everyone vaguely remembers. (Not sure what show yet. Doesn’t really matter. Whatever’s available. Maybe China Beach, or Northern Exposure?)

Continue reading →

Darth Vader Had A Castle?

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Vader CastleDid you know Darth Vader had a castle? Because he had a castle! That’s where he lived. He lived in his Darth Vader Castle!

To Star Wars fans, this is nothing new. They already know all about Darth Vader’s castle. But I didn’t know.

I just found out. I just learned that Darth Vader had a goddamn castle! This is amazing! And then I drew it!

And it was rumored to be included in The Empire Strikes Back.

There was a sketch of it, and everything!

Darth Vader had a castle!

I mean…of course he would have a castle. But until today, I just thought he lived in outer space the whole time. But he had a home. It was a castle. It was a real castle! I bet it had a cushy velvet sofa and a big dinning room table and big scary pictures on the walls and trap doors and hidden passageways and a seven dungeons and a launch pad and a room with relics!

It was called Bast Castle!

Darth Vader’s castle had a name! And the name was Bast! And that’s the coolest name for a castle! That castle could kick the ass of those boring Game of Thrones castles.

Look, maybe I’m just high on Star Wars right now, but finding out that Darth Vader had a castle is the best Christmas present I’ve recieved and it (almost) makes me want to read some of those non-cannon Star Wars books. Because if Darth Vader had a castle, what else was I missing?

Did Han Solo have a jetpack?

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