Chapter Three: Edmund and the Wardrobe
Better Title: Witch Way, Did He Run

Sorry this blog is extra-late. Give yourself all 5 Dan Points for the wait. I’ll try to stay on deadline.

Lucy returns from the magic wardrobe and tells the others of her adventures with Tumnus in Narnia, but no one believes her. I don’t believe her either. I never believe children. They always lie. “I can count to a million!” “My friend’s not supposed to have wheat!” “I have a splinter!” “There’s no such thing as true love and monogamy is humanity’s feeble attempt to organize and tame the fiery chaos of biology!”

Silly kids.

Lucy tries to prove that the wardrobe is magical but when the other children investigate, they find it to be an ordinary wardrobe. And then Lucy goes insane and spends the rest of her life making dolls out of her own hair while whispering, “There was no Narnia. I’m a filthy liar. That must be it. I mustn’t tell lies.”

The children then play and do British stuff until one day, during a game of hide and seek, they hide and seek, and Lucy decides to hide in the wardrobe. When Edmund goes in after her, he is transported to Narnia!

So how does that work? I don’t know. I’m sure there’s some rule that says the magic only works when the moon is full or if you have no green on your trousers. Whatever the cause, Edmund is now in Narnia.

He’s soon greeted by the cold, evil Queen…who must be the Witch from the first book. She rides a sledge, a word I hate because I grew up calling it a sled, and adding the G and the E makes me sound like I’ve had too much whiskey. Which I have. Because life is hard and shut up and let’s call all the girls from my old high school and tell them how handsome I am now!

Prediction
EDMUND: Hello. My name is Edmund and I’m a lonely lost boy. I’m quite impressionable, so be careful around me. Who are you? May I sit on your lap and be your secret friend? Have you anything to eat? I will consume anything you give me and I’ll never tell anyone, not even a teacher or police officer.
QUEEN: Um…wow. That was easy. Hasn’t anybody told you not to talk to strangers?
EDMUND: Nope. Want me to a sign a contract that exchanges my voice for a pair of human legs?!
QUEEN: You’ve already got human legs.
EDMUND: Could always use more. Or how about this — If I don’t find true love by midnight on my eighteenth birthday, you can have my entire soul!
QUEEN: Why would you want such a contract?
EDMUND: I dunno. Keeps me motivated to talk to girls. Also, if I can’t guess your true name after three tries, you’re getting my first born child! Neat, right? Is it Sandra?
QUEEN: No.
EDMUND: Norman?
QUEEN: No.
EDMUND: Last guess. Are you sure it isn’t Sandra?
QUEEN: Yes. I’m sure.
EDMUND: Darn. Well, I hope you raise my child well. Enjoy!

Chapter Four: Turkish Delight
Better Title: Strangers With Candy

The Queen wants to know what type of creature Edmund is and when she learns he’s human, with three other human siblings, she devises a plan. Now, at this point, we don’t really know what’s happening in Narnia, or why everything is terrible, or why Aslan isn’t biting off this lady’s face or why there are still no dinosaurs. But I can tell something is wrong.

In the second chapter, Tumnus said something about there no longer being a human king and queen and that four royal chairs have been left vacant. I’m not a betting man, but I’ll bet my entire body and all of next year’s Halloween candy on the fact that the four children end up as Narnian royalty who sit in those four chairs.

And if I’m right, you owe me a make your own sundae party and I get to invite two friends. No, three!

I don’t know why the Queen needs humans. She wants human children the same way your aunt wants mason jars. You’re never going to make that mason jar garden, Irene! Never! Stop it. Stay off Pinterest!

The Queen does what most evil perverts do — she offers the boy some candy. The Queen has magic powers and can make candy grow out of the ground. She summons a Turkish Delight. My brother went to Turkey and he brought me back some Turkish Delight and it’s horrible. I’d rather eat boiled celery out of a homeless man’s butt crack. Now, if the Queen offered me a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup…FROM THE FRIDGE…then I’d probably do whatever she asked. Actually, there’s no “probably” about it.

The Queen tells Edmund that he can have as much candy as he’d like, but only if he returns to Narnia with his siblings. But he mustn’t tell his brother and sisters about the Queen. Edmund agrees to try, and the Queen sledges away just as Lucy comes bopping down the lane.

Ugh. Sledges. Sounds like a toddler trying to say “edges” with a mouthful of custard. Not a fan of that word. Screw you, all of England. It’s a sled. Or sleigh. Santa doesn’t ride a goddamn sledge!

Prediction
LUCY: Don’t talk to the Queen. She’s evil!
EDMUND: Nuh-uh. She gave me candy.
LUCY: But this goat-man I met said she was a villain.
EDMUND: What did she do that was so bad?
LUCY: She has frozen this world in a forever winter.
EDMUND: Eh. I like the snow.
LUCY: And she spoiled the ending of The Sixth Sense!
EDMUND: Well, if you haven’t seen it by now it’s your own fault.
LUCY: And she makes YouTube makeup tutorials and makes it look really easy to get the “mermaid look” but it’s only because she’s using, like, super expensive makeups and brushes that regular people don’t even have!
EDMUND: So?
LUCY: And she likes her sandwiches with extra crust!
EDMUND: Still not evil…
LUCY: And she only listens to vinyl!
EDMUND: It has a warmer sound. I get it.
LUCY: And she pets dogs going the other way, butt to head. Dogs hate that!
EDMUND: I think she’s nice.
LUCY: And her favorite Muppet is Scooter. What kind of maniac picks Scooter?
EDMUND: He’s the most reasonable…
LUCY: And she thinks there should have been 3 more Hobbit movies between the first and the second!
EDMUND: I’d like to know more about his birthday party, myself.
LUCY: And if you order pizza and you say, “Can we get half plain?” she’ll go ahead and eat slices form the plain half even though she ordered her half as veggie lovers!
EDMUND: Hmm…
LUCY: And she thinks Katherine Heigl is America’s most talented actress.
EDMUND: Well, I haven’t seen 27 Dresses. Hard for me to say, really.
LUCY: And she killed a bunch of people.
EDMUND: Who hasn’t?
LUCY: And she says, “Ahh,” after taking a drink. Every time. Every time she says, “Ahh!” Even at a water fountain!
EDMUND: Hmm…that is rather evil.
LUCY: And she thinks she’s the first person to pronounce the store Tagert as Tar-jay. And she always thinks it’s funny. Always.
EDMUND: Then she must be killed…killed by rocks. [Picks up rock]

This blog is brought to you by PowePencils.com. Buy some magic pencils today! Or tomorrow!

New blogs every Tuesday and Thursday!

For blogging updates, follow me on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook!