Chapter Five: Back On This Side of the Door
Better Title: Digory the Dick

I know this blog is late, but things have been really crazy. I don’t even know where to start! First, I had to make dinner on Tuesday, and so I made spaghetti. And then it started to rain. And then I watched this mesmerizing video of an industrial shredder mangling toys. So…you can only imagine. Anyway, point is I had very good reasons for not posting the blog on Tuesday. You understand. Let’s blog!

Lucy and Edmund pop back into our world and Lucy is very excited because now she has a witness — Edmund has seen Narnia and can confirm its existence. However, for reasons best described as “Nellie Oleson,” Edmund denies ever visiting Narnia and calls Lucy a liar.

And then Lucy goes insane and grows old in a mental institution where she names her toes and then refuses to step on them for they are her only true friends.

That doesn’t happen.

Susan and Peter are worried. If Lucy is making this up, why is she being so stubborn about it. They need help from the only adult around, Uncle Digory. They go to the old man with concerns that Lucy is insane. Digory listens to the issue and surmises that Lucy is not insane, and that it’s possible she’s telling the truth. And then he refuses to discuss the issue further.

What the hell?

Clearly Digory is familiar with the Dumbledore method of child care — Withhold useful information and then hope the kids don’t die.

Digs could have laid it all out, explained everything, even gone to the wardrobe himself to investigate, but instead he says something like, “Lucy’s not wrong. Who wants cupcakes?”

That ticks me off. It ticked me off when Dumbledore didn’t tell Harry the truth, and it ticks me off now. What it is about old British magicians that makes them so uselessly taciturn?

“But Dan,” you scream at the screen, “Both Dumbledore and Digory are encouraging the youngsters to walk the path of self-discovery. And you smell lovely today. Do you use Dove soap?”

Yes. Gentle Exfoliating…the blue box.

And I understand your point…to a point. Letting a child discover things for themselves is a priceless gift, but maybe don’t do that when lives are at stake.

It’s like when my dad told me to paint the flower pot, but didn’t tell me how. He wanted to see if I could do it. But if I painted the flower pot wrong, I wouldn’t be eaten by a snake or die in a frozen hell-world of talking animals. The most terrible outcome of the flower pot would be…it’s purple. (Which it was, and it was fabulous!)

Maybe a hint of adult supervision could help here? I’m not saying Digory needs to hand over the map to Narnia. But surely he could have handled the situation with more wisdom and savvy than simply saying, “Your sister probably went to another dimension. Whatevs. Who wants tea?”

If he were my Uncle, I’d be pissed. He’s not my Uncle. My Uncle’s name is Ken and he’s not a magician, though his Thanksgiving potato filling is borderline cosmic.

Prediction:
SUSAN: Help! Lucy just cut her finger on a rusty nail! The bleeding won’t stop!
DIGORY: Well then.
SUSAN: Whatever shall we do?
DIGORY: Perhaps if you think about the problem logically, you will realize you knew what to do all along?
SUSAN: So you’re saying I should trust myself and my decisions. That’s so wonderful. Let me think…if you have an injury, that is a bad thing. But a spider can bite you, and that’s bad too. But if a spider bites an injury, the two bad things cancel each other out…and Lucy will be saved! Thank you, Uncle! Now I’m off to find a spider!
DIGORY: Um…hmm.
[Lucy died screaming horribly]

Chapter Six: Into the Forest
Better Title: Follow That Bird

Digory’s big house is old and fancy, which means lots of people love to tour the home. Digory permits it but only if his maid acts as tour guide. When visitors are touring the home, the children must hide because the maid hates children and she doesn’t want them messing up the tour.

And so one day, when guests are walking through the house, the children quickly try to hide and run out of the way. But soon the children are cornered in the wardrobe room, and with the guests about to open the door, they have only two options:

1. Stay in the room and say a polite hello to the guests before excusing themselves.
2. Cram into the wardrobe for the reason of storytelling.

The children all squeeze into the wardrobe, and soon they all find themselves in Narnia. Susan and Peter can’t believe it — they have traveled to a new dimension! All laws of science have been disrupted! This is a new age of existence! Marvel at the sights and the sounds!

But their wonderment is short lived and soon they don’t seem to care that they just broke the chains of science. Typical kids. Take them to the finest museum in the world, and within minutes they’ll be bored and staring at their cell phones and reading hilarious online Narnia blogs instead of appreciating art. (Hi, museum goers! Can you get me some Astronaut Ice Cream from the gift shop? Thanks!)

Now everyone knows Edmund was lying when he said he never went to Narnia, and I’m pretty sure by the end of the series Edmund will be the Tywin Lannister of this family.

Lucy suggest they go find Tumnus, but when they arrive at his home they see it has been ransacked and a note in the ground says Tumnus has been arrested for the crime of talking to humans. Lucy feels awful and wants to stay in Narnia to help find Tumnus. The other children agree, but they don’t know where to start looking. So they follow a magic bird.

Prediction
EDMUND: I’m going to stomp on this bug, because I’m angry and mean.
LUCY: And I’ll make friends with a flower, because I’m young and kind.
PETER: And I’ll…just walk, because I’m a walker and have feet and such.
SUSAN: And I’ll…um…well, my name is Susan, because Susan is my name! And I have bones! I’m Susan with bones! I’m the Susan-est Susan that ever Susaned! Watch my bones go! [Raises hand]
UNISON: Hurrah for our distinct personalities!

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