Chapter Seven: A Day With the Beavers
Better Title: Try Not To Make a Beaver Joke

The children are following the bird to find out what happened to Tumnus, but the bird suddenly stops guiding them. The children realize they’re lost, with no way of knowing how to get back to the magic wardrobe.

Luckily, a beaver appears and I start laughing because “beaver” is among our funniest words, a word that is equal parts silly and sexual. Just like “ding-dong” and “satan’s love envelope.”

This is a nice beaver.

The beaver guides the children into a small area beneath the trees and tells them to follow him. The children have never seen a talking beaver before and so Peter vomits with fear while Susan fills her ears with sticks so she can no longer hear this biological abomination and its nightmarish demon-speak.

That doesn’t happen.

The kids don’t seem to mind much that this animal can speak perfect English. Someone makes an all female Ghostbusters, and everyone goes bugnuts. But a talking animal? Eh…

Mr. Beaver tells the children that Tumnus knew he was about to be arrested and so he gave the beaver Lucy’s handkerchief as a sign that Mr. Beaver is a good guy.

Because these children are more trusting than the substitute teacher who thinks maybe the real teacher does let the students have class outside everyday, the kids accept Mr. Beaver’s explanation.

Of course, Mr. Beaver may have eaten Tumnus and stolen the handkerchief, but you’re thinking about this too much.

Justin Beaver takes the kids to his home where he and his wife, Mrs. Beaver, prepare a nice fish dinner.

Prediction
MR. BEAVER: You must come with me.
SUSAN: Sure!
MR. BEAVER: Oh. Wow. That was easy.
SUSAN: Can you hold my wallet for me? I’m worried I’ll drop it. It’s filled with money. Hope that’s okay.
MR. BEAVER: Um…listen, kid. Maybe don’t be so trusting. My name is Mr. Beaver. I mean…come on.
SUSAN: My Amazon password is TurboSusan9000. Isn’t that weird? Also, my banking pin number is the same number as 1,234!
MR. BEAVER: How have you kids survived this long?
SUSAN: Well, there used to be nine of us.
PETER: Yeah, some of our brothers and sisters died because they were allergic to the Bottle Man’s dog.
MR. BEAVER: Who the hell is the Bottle Man?
SUSAN: You know. He’s that guy who hangs out at the bus station, but never goes anywhere? And he always talks about his bottles. He asked some of our siblings to help him find his lost dog. And I guess they found the dog but then died. Probably because they were allergic to the dog. They were so allergic that their heads fell off their bodies and were then buried near the bus station.
MR. BEAVER: What?! I don’t even…
PETER: Anyway, I’d like to be a famous model or singer. Maybe you could take some photos of me for publicity? I really want to be famous, very badly. And I won’t tell my parents because I want them to be surprised!

Chapter Eight: What Happened After Dinner
Better Title: Aslan’s Gonna Kill Edmund

I hope Aslan kills Edmund. I hope that’s how the story ends. I hope the lesson here is: Don’t be a dick. But I’m sure that’s not what happens. I’m sure Edmund will find redemption and believe in Jesus and then there’ll be a party with cake and orange drink.

Mr. Beaver explains that Tumnus has been arrested and taken to the Queen’s home where he will probably be turned into stone. The Queen wants the children because Narnia is to be ruled over by Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve, and while the Queen pretends to be a true human, she is actually a devil woman born of Adam’s first wife Lilith.

The good news is that Aslan is coming to town. He’s been away for a while. Mr. Beaver doesn’t explain where he went or why, just that his return is a big deal and means big changes are in store for Narnia.

Aslan could easily kill the current Queen, but for various vague reasons, he won’t. Kinda like how Jesus doesn’t answer your prayers for a parking spot, nor will he prevent your dog from dying. He has his reasons. (Probably because you thought about sex!)

Mr. Beaver has arranged for the children to meet with Aslan in hopes that Aslan will hear what has happened and then…do things.

During this conversation, Edmund sneaks out. When the others realize he’s gone, they rush out searching for him, but Mrs. Beaver already knows that he probably went to the evil Queen and told her everything about Aslan’s arrival.

Prediction
BEAVER: Oh, look who’s back.
ASLAN: Hey.
LUCY: It’s about time, man. The evil queen has made it snow all the time! It’s always winter but never Christmas. It’s terrible!
ASLAN: Oh, for real? It’s cold? Well that’s just awful. I’m so sorry it took me so long to come back. I mean, I was only in Dimension 3. You know what happens in Dimension 3?
LUCY: No.
ASLAN: Everyone there is starving. There is no food. People have to eat mud or…each other. The animals have all died from Skeletal Flu, a disease with no cure that lasts 20 agonizing years. The lucky have already died. The living pray for death. That’s where I was. But I see it’s cold here. Good thing you called me back or else you’d have to knit yourself a goddamn sweater.
PETER: Dude. I’m sorry. I just thought…
ASLAN: [Makes stupid voice] I’m a kid with stupid hair and I just wanted Christmas pwesents!!! Pwetty pwease! [regular voice] That’s you. That’s you right now.
LUCY: Aslan, please. You don’t need to be so…
ASLAN: Last night I saw a father weep because his young daughter survived another night. They were tears of hopeless sadness. But yeah…let me get you guys a Christmas tree and space heater. By the way, during this conversation, 300 people in Dimension 3 just died of infections. So…yeah. Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the goddamn way!

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