Chapter 9: In the Witch’s House
Better Title: Edmund the Evil

I’m not sure why Edmund is evil, but he clearly is. In this chapter, he once again feels sick and repulsed by Aslan’s very name, which leads me to believe he’s genetically prone to evil thoughts and actions, just like serial killers and those who don’t return shopping carts to the shopping cart corral. (I saw you! I saw what you did! I will seek vengeance.)

Here we see Edmund make his way to the Witch’s castle, all the while cursing his brother and sisters and dreaming of Turkish delights. When he finally reaches the castle, he sees a giant lion staring at him!

But it’s only a stone lion, one of the Witch’s victims. Edmund assumes this to be Aslan, and so he pulls out a pencil and draws a mustache and glasses on the beast. That’s like burning a cross, peeing in the holy water, or putting celery in tuna salad!

Edmund makes his way past dozens of stone creatures — dragons, giants, humans, etc., and finally comes to the castle entrance where a wolf greets him. And I like this wolf! HIs name is Maugrim. That’s the best name for an evil wolf. I do hope at this point Maugrim eats Edmund and the rest of the story is about Maugrim doing rad stuff and having evil adventures.

But I shouldn’t get too attached. Every time I like a fictional wolf, they turn into pedophiles. I’ve been burned…burned hard. [Looks out his office window and presses hand against the cool, glass surface.]

Maugrim is only in this chapter for a few sentences, but sweet pickle on a pancake, I hope he comes back.

He brings Edmund to the Witch who is at first furious that Edmund didn’t bring his siblings, but is happy to learn that the children are nearby at the Beaver house. She beckons her sledge and will soon hunt down the children, while Maugrim lopes into the garage and eyes his jetpack affectionately.

Prediction
WITCH: Did you draw a mustache on that lion?
EDMUND: Yep. I’m a real prankster. Ha!
WITCH: And did you write, “Poops a’hoy,” in the bathroom?
EDMUND: You know it!
WITCH: And I assume only a comedic genius such as yourself could have put that thumb tack on my chair.
EDMUND: I call that one, “The Balloon Popper.” Invented that trick myself. I’m a god of comdey.
WITCH: And was it you who set fire to the orphanage and poured paint thinner into the hospital’s water supply? And then killed those puppies in the tub?
EDMUND: Yep! I’m a hoot, ain’t I? I also made a prank call to this girl I liked, because I’m so very funny!
MAUGRIM: Check this out! [Maugrim flies away on his jetpack and lives the rest of his life soaring through the cosmos searching for galactic truths while caring about the only thing that matters — himself.]

Chapter 10: The Spell Begins to Break
Better Title: Um…What?

Santa Claus is in this? Santa? Like…the real Santa Claus shows up?

Is this a joke version of the book. I did buy it used, so there’s a chance it’s not the real book, but instead something a 4th grader wrote.

“And then…um…Santa helps them! And then there’s a dirt bike race, and Spider-Man wins!”

I’m not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, Santa is a symbol of Christianity, so it plays into the themes of this book. On the other hand, it seems pretty cheap and easy to have Santa roll into town. It takes me out of the story. Because, if Santa can show up, the rules don’t matter. Hell, in the next chapter why not have the children saved by the Fast and Furious gang? They’re just as mythical and powerful as Santa.

In this chapter, the Beavers lead the children to Aslan, but they need to hurry because the Witch is after them. After a day of running, they all camp out in a hole in the ground, and the next day Santa Claus shows up.

Will they team up with the Tooth Fairy, too? Is this like The Kingdom Hearts of fairy tales? Will the kids visit Jurassic Park and then hang out with The Goonies? Will other characters show up? The Easter Bunny? Tom Sawyer? Rizzo from Grease?

Santa says the Witch’s spell is slowly fading because Aslan is returning. The Witch had turned Santa to stone, which is why it was always winter but never Christmas. And now that he’s free of the spell, Santa quickly hunts down the Witch, slays her with an ax, and wears her severed head as a helmet.

Or rather, that’s what he should have done. Instead, he gives the children presents.

What an asshole.

Look, it’s nice that Santa gives Peter a sword and shield, Susan a bow and arrow, and Lucy a bottle of magic juice, but couldn’t Santa use his Santa powers to just kill the Witch and end this? He’s Santa!

If he were on the Titanic, he’d give you some Littlest Pet Shops toys instead of saving everyone with his flying reindeer.

Santa, you be trippin’!

Also, Santa says women shouldn’t fight in battles. That’s in this book. That’s what it says. It’s surprising that he didn’t ask Susan to go make him meatloaf and bring him a beer while explaining to everyone why you can’t trust a female president because of her “monthlies.”

Prediction
SANTA: And here’s a sweater for Susan! Hope it fits. And here are some new hair ties, because I know you were out, and —
SUSAN: How’s about you go fly to the Witch’s house, pull a stick of dynamite form your magic sack, and end this?
SANTA: Um…
SUPERMAN: Hey guys. I heard there was trouble. I’m here to help. Please, take these roller skates and index cards!
PETER: What good will those do?
SUPERMAN: Roller skates are great for going down the driveway. And the index cards can be used to help you study for the vocab test. Just write the word on one side and —
PETER: But you could fight the Witch!
DOCTOR WHO: Glad I made it in time! Haha…just kidding. I’m always on time.
LUCY: Will you fight the Witch?
DOCTOR WHO: Not exactly. I’m here to give you a Starbucks gift card. There’s $12 left on it, I think. I was going to use time travel and my screwdriver to end the Witch’s reign, but pretty sure this gift card will do the trick.
IRON MAN: And I’m here to give you this old Gamecube controller. Careful, it’s sticky.
GANDALF: And here’s a picture I drew of me at the zoo.
INCREDIBLE HULK: Hulk give you basketball pump, but pump need needle. Hulk no have needle. You buy needle.

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