Chapter Nine: Theory
Better Title: How Not To Flirt

You are not going to believe this, but Edythe is a vampire!

I wonder if anyone reading the first book was unaware of the vampire stuff. Maybe they thought it was just a story about a boring girl who falls in love with a mysterious man. And then they got to this chapter and spit tea all over the room in a fit of surprise while whispering, “Nicely done, madam author. Well played!”

This entire chapter takes place in Edythe’s Volvo, as she takes Beau home after the night of thugs and ravioli. It’s a testament to either my hunger or Meyer’s inability to create memorable stories, but what I remember most about the first book is that one ravioli Bella ate.

I think about it often.

In the car, Edythe admits she’s a vampire and Beau asks all the wrong questions such as:

• Can you go out in the sun?
• What do you eat?
• Where do you sleep?
• How old are you?

The questions he should have asked:

• Are your boobs hard like softballs? Prove it?
• If your boobs are rock-hard, do you need a bra or do they support themselves?
• What does your bra look like?
• If you drink only animal blood, what happens if I squeeze your boob?
• Are your nipples always standing at attention?
• Can I try something?

I’m not saying this needs to turn into Twilight porn, but put any two teenages into a car who are biologically and supernaturally obligated to lust for each other and you’d expect Beau to at least have a few R-rated thoughts.

Instead we get thoughts such as:

“Her face was so unbelievably perfect, it hurt in a strange way to look at it.”

Hey Beau. I know your dad was out of the picture for a while, so maybe we should have a quick chat about man stuff. That strange hurt you felt is called an erection, and an erection means all the evil and villainy of your soul leaves your guilty heart and tries to escape through your “special thumb.” It’s something to be ashamed of, so when you get the “strange hurt” you should cry and think about what you’ve done. Trust me. I learned everything I know about human biology from the robust sex ed curriculum offered at Hogwarts. Later, if you want, I can teach you how women get pregnant from toilet seats.

Edythe explains that, yes, she is a vampire but she tries very hard not to kill people. Beau takes this all in and handles the news rather well. Instead of acting afraid or even suspicious, he acts like a needy puppy.

When Edythe warns him that it’s dangerous for them to be friends, poor little Beaufort whines and whimpers, claiming he’ll follow the rules and saying, “Seriously. Tell me to do something, and I’ll do it.”

I’m surprised he didn’t add — “And if you date me, it can be my birthday and Christmas present! And I promise not to say bad words or spill paint in the garage ever again! I promise!”

I don’t know much about women, but I suspect saying, “Tell me how you want me to be? Please?” won’t cause much swooning in the real world.

He then makes Edythe promise that she’ll sit with him at lunch tomorrow. At first I thought Edythe was acting like a creep, but now Beau is being a sad sack of sad salt, so these two miserable mopes deserve each other.

The chapter ends with Beau back in his house, thinking about the wild night he’s had and, though not mentioned in the text, furiously masturbating.

Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 5
Total: 33

Prediction
BEAU: Can vampires tell time?
EDYTHE: Yes, Beau. We can tell time.
BEAU: But can vampires beat Godzilla?
EDYTHE: I don’t know. Maybe? Godzilla’s not real so…
BEAU: Okay…okay. If a vampire dies, is his ghost a vampire? Or is the ghost just a normal person ghost? Is your ghost going to look like an old person? Because your soul is old?
EDYTHE: Look. I just told you that I’m madly in love with you, that I need you, that I want you, that a world without you is one I never want to experience. We’re alone, in a car. I’m caressing your hand. Maybe we can stop with the questions and…
BEAU: Can dogs be vampires? Can a vampire dog go out in the sun because it has fur? Are racoons a type of dog?
EDYTHE: I kind of hate you right now.
BEAU: Can vampires be crime scene cleaners? That would be a funny show. They could clean up all the blood and eat it, and then make money. And then solve crimes at night. We should write a show together.
EDYTHE: …I’ll just unbutton my shirt.
BEAU: Can vampires vote? Are you allowed to fly on airplanes? Can vampires beat Wolverine?

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