Chapter Eight: Port Angeles
Better Title: A Woman Pays For Dinner?!

Twilight is the best book in the series. New Moon has the werewolves, but it also has a third act that makes negative amounts of sense. I’ve forgotten what happens in Eclipse (was it about winning a ticket to a magic candy factory?), and Breaking Dawn is the reason I tremble when alone with my own thoughts.

Twilight is 100% awful, but when compared to what’s to come, it’s maybe only 97% awful. Like I’ve said, the description of the town and settings are nice and Stephenie Meyer has one idea for this story and sticks to it.

Though I’m sure Meyer loved the idea of making a series of vampire romance books, whatever creative ability she had was limited to telling one Beauty and the Beast story. When she was forced to expand a very, very simple premise, that’s when things got bloated with Volturi, imprinting, baby dating and enough deus ex machina to open a deus ex factory-a.

This chapter, in which Beau is nearly killed and Edythe saves the day, isn’t a great chapter, but it also would feel right at home in a low-rated mid-90s UPN show. If you don’t know what UPN was, think of the CW network and then subtract 50 points.

The chapter starts with Beau already in Port Angeles. He’s with Jeremy and Allen and they plan to see a movie after they buy flowers for their dates to the dance. With time to kill, Beau goes wandering around, searching for a bookstore. Instead, he finds the back alley of a Steven Seagal movie. If you don’t know who Steven Seagal was, think of Vin Diesel and then subtract all the points.

Beau notices a group of thugs, both men and women, who are obviously dealing drugs. One of the women calls out to Beau, thinking he’s a cop. This tough lady says she knows Beau is a cop because she saw him getting out of Charlie’s cop car a few months ago.

And then one of the guys pulls a gun on Beau.

Let’s stop for a moment and discuss what’s wrong:

1. If a regular drug deal is interrupted, by police or by normal people, the criminals will split up and scurry away like caffeinated cockroaches.
2. If they suspect Beau is a cop, they should also suspect he’s armed, which is one more reason to just run away.
3. Why kill Beau? If you think he’s a cop, then you know every officer in the Pacific Northwest will do everything in their power to track down the criminals who killed one of their own. Even if you don’t think he’s a cop, killing him only brings trouble on yourself. This isn’t 18th century London. We have DNA evidence, science, and Benedict Cumberbatch to solve crimes. You won’t get away with it.
4. If he’s not a cop, he could be related to the cop you saw him with, as such, please see #3.
5. This would never happen.

None of that really matters since Super-Edythe arrives in her Edythe-mobile and whisks Beau to safety. Edythe wants to go back and kill the criminals, but Beau won’t let her because he’s afraid and he enjoys holding Edythe’s arm.

Edythe is furious, but finally agrees to not kill anyone, and instead she takes Beau to dinner at the Italian restaurant where Beau has the ravioli and Edythe has the murmur with mutter sauce.

Did Edward have dimples? Because Edythe sure does. I know this because dimples are mentioned 5 times in two pages, and once as a verb — “dimpling.”

During the dinner, Beau wants to know if Edythe is a vampire, but he never actually asks. Edythe wants to know…I’m not sure what Edythe wants to know. She’s just here to look pretty and act mysterious. She does admit to being able to read minds. No big deal.

Beau treats the news like it’s nothing. If someone told you they could read minds, and proved that they could do it, you’d probably scream or at least widen your eyes a bit. Because if someone could read minds, it means everything we know about the universe is wrong. It would be exciting and scary and cool. But Beau reacts as if Edythe just told him, ”I’ve never been stung by a bee.”

Beau asks how Edythe found him in Port Angeles, and Edythe says she followed their car, and then read people’s minds until she found him.

If a woman secretly follows you around and watches you from the shadows, it’s a sign of great respect and it’s behavior that should be rewarded. [Sarcasm Hand]

What if Beau wasn’t into Edythe. I know that’s difficult to fathom, but try. Activate your imagination helmet! (It should be under your chair.)

The son of the police chief is being harassed and stalked by a school-ditching, emotionally distant, friendless, freakishly strong young woman in a small town. She follows him, grabs him and glares at him.

Suddenly the book isn’t a romance, it’s the first act of CSI: Forks.

But because this is true love, we are to forget the creepy, illegal behavior of Edythe. Besides, she’s pretty, so everything is okay.

There are a few moments in this chapter in which Beau wonders if he’s acting too weak, and one laughable scene in which Beau is cold, so Edythe offers him her scarf. Beau doesn’t want to take it, so Edythe says she’ll get a jacket from the car. Beau responds:

“Don’t go,” I said softly. I knew my voice sounded too intense — she was just going out to her car, not disappearing forever — but I couldn’t make it sound normal. “I’ll wear the scarf. See?”

“I’ll wear the scarf. See?” Wow. Beau sure has a way with the ladies. Not since Han Solo said, “I know,” has a line of dialogue been so romantic and proud.

There is a chance, and God I hope this is true, that Beau is saying, “I’ll wear the scarf. See?” like a 1930s movie gangster. “Hand over the money or you’ll get a belly full-a lead, see?”

The chapter also includes a few more new sentences about gender roles, such as this tidbit from Edythe after she pays for dinner:

“Try not to get caught up in antiquated gender roles.”

Well, damn. I never thought of it that way before.

Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 5
Total: 28

Prediction
EDYTHE: I can read minds.
BEAU: That’s cool. One time I made a beer can tower that went all the way to the ceiling.
EDYTHE: Did you hear me? I can read freaking minds.
BEAU: So?
EDYTHE: That doesn’t impress you? I can circumvent the laws of nature? I am aware of mankind’s secrets and thoughts? I am a goddess.
BEAU: The tower stayed up for, like, twenty minutes. I didn’t even start on top of a table. Just floor to ceiling. No joke.
EDYTHE: What does it take to impress you?
BEAU: Wanna see me ride bikes? Dad said no ramps. But guess what? Dad’s not here!
EDYTHE: Maybe you’re more like a high school boy than I thought.
BEAU: All my favorite movies have numbers in the titles. Wanna see me eat weird stuff? I can eat weird stuff. I’m good at it.
EDYTHE: You are my life now.
BEAU: I’ll wear the scarf. See?

This blog is brought to you by Power Pencils — if you can write a sentence, you can be a wizard! Order yours at PowerPencils.com.

New Blogs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday!

For up to the minute Blogging Twilight news, follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram!