Chapter 3: Phenomenon
Better Title: He Said/She Said

“This is the chapter in which Beau nearly dies in a car crash, but is saved at the last minute by Super Edythe. It’s a short chapter, but it has filled me with questions regarding gender roles, and anger regarding stupid quote attribution words,” Dan wrote.

As a general rule, I hate any quote attribution that isn’t a simple “she said,” “he said,” “they said.” Mumbles and mutters aside, this book is filled with unnecessary quote attribution.

Examples from this chapter:

“Don’t move,” someone instructed.

“But it’s cold,” I complained.

“Be careful,” she warned as I struggled.

I’ve been a professional editor for more than a decade, and as an editor I would have tossed this entire thing into a fire, and then tossed the fire into acid, and tossed the acid into a black hole. But if I can pass along any advice to other writers, let it be this:

First, don’t use fancy quote attribution. It weakens your voice and your work. The words and context should be enough for the reader to grasp what’s happening.

Second, you can use fancy quote attributions all you want, because the English language is stupid and there’s no accounting for taste. So you can ignore the first rule, but don’t expect me to pat you on the back if you write crap like: “I love you,” he enunciated.

(Editor’s Note: Yes, I make huge massive mistakes and typos in these blogs. It’s because I type fast and furiously. No one is perfect, except pterodactyls — they were nature’s dragons.)

In the mountain of things wrong with Twilight, the quote attribution is but a pebble. It just bugged me more today for some reason. Now let’s talk about sex!

I’m not afraid to talk about gender roles in our society. I’m afraid of dying and I’m afraid of picking up a cat, which is why I’ve never done either, but I can talk about gender.

I’m saying this to preface the following question:

As a woman, would you be attracted to a character as weak and helpless as Beau?

There’s no right or wrong answer here. It’s a rhetorical question…for now. We’ll see how (or if) the story veers away from the patriarchal, icky caveman relationship of the original Twilight and offers us something more interesting with Edythe and Beau. (Predicted Spoiler Alert: It’s not gonna change much.)

It’s just something to consider. This book is aimed at the original Twilight audience, most of whom are female. As such, you’d expect this book to express a female fantasy. And so I’m wondering — could there be an untapped market of female readers who want to read stories about super-hot, perfect women sexing up with dweeby, clumsy dudes?

Is that a thing?

WHY ISN’T THAT THING!?

I’m talking about love stories between people like Wonder Woman and Bob from Bob’s Burgers. Do women want that? From a guy’s point of view it can be fun, but this is a story for women.

And I know that in a perfect world there would be no gender genres and all books would just be books, but this is a series of stereotypical books directly aimed at stereotypical women. And again I ask, do women like this?

In the original book, Edward was certainly not a fantasy character for me (a heterosexual man who’s slightly afraid of cats). His perfection was annoying, I hated how everything worked out for him, I hated him for being a galaxy-class asshole and I was in no way jealous or envious of his love life. And yet I know more than a few women loved Edward to the point of tattooing his face on their bodies.

Now with the roles swapped, I wonder if women think Edythe is totally rad and if Beau is desirable. I still hate all of them, but that’s just me (a heterosexual man who reads Twilight…for some reason).

I’m not sure I’m making my point, or if there even is a point. It’s been a long day. So if none of that makes sense I’m sorry.

Today, I read the scene in which Edythe stops a sliding car from pancaking Beau. It’s the same scene from the first book, which means Beau doesn’t die but instead gets banged up a bit so he’s taken to the hospital.

There were meet Dr. Cullen, who’s now a woman. Women can be doctors now? CRAZY!

Once again, Stephenie Meyer shows us that everything she knows regarding teenage boys, she learned by reading the Wikipedia entry.

When Beau sees Dr. Cullen, he describes her, “Like someone sliced up Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, and Marilyn Monroe, took the best parts, and glued them together to form a goddess.”

HAHAHAHAhahAHhahhahahahahahha!

Hahaha!

What the shit is that?

Audrey Hepburn? Grace Kelly? Marilyn Monroe?

Line up 100 teenage boys right now, ask them each to list 100,000 beautiful women, and I’m pretty sure none of them will say Hepburn or Kelly. They might say Marilyn Monroe, but only because they ran out of other names and really, really want to go home.

Even the most sensitive of high school boys, he who reads poetry at lunch and wears sweater vests to the beach, wouldn’t compare a hot mom to those three. I’ll give 20 brand new Dan Points to any boy between the ages of 13-18 who can list more than one Grace Kelly movie. Hell, let’s make it 2,000 Dan Points!

(Entries must be in by the end of the day. No cheating. Taxes and data fees may apply.)

Wow, this book is gonna be fun!

Anyway, Beau knows that Edythe used her superpowers to save his life, even if Edythe refuses to admit it. The biggest change to this chapter is that the van which almost killed Beau is now driven by a woman. Women can be drivers now? CRAZY!

Instead of Tyler, the character’s name is Taylor. Women can be named Taylor now? CRAZY!

Edythe refuses to tell Beau the truth, and Beau refuses to let it go. So the chapter ends with everyone pissed off, especially me.

Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 1
Total: 6

Prediction
EDYTHE: Climb on my back and I’ll playfully carry you through the forest.
BEAU: Um…nah. It’s okay.
EDYTHE: Are you afraid of looking like less of man as you cling to my back?
BEAU: It’s not that.
EDYTHE: It shall be so fun, rushing through the trees as you hold my strong neck with your weak, pale arms. And your dainty legs wrapped around my toned thighs like two pieces of overcooked spaghetti desperately grasping at two columns of pure marble.
BEAU: Um…
EDYTHE: Tears stinging your frightened boyish face as your feeble frame cradles my body like a baby koala. I’m getting so turned on!!!!
BEAU: Maybe I’ll just walk?
EDYTHE: Oh, my precious baby lamb. Where are you going? Is it something I said? Do you want me to hold you? Do you want me to kill a scary spider for you? Do you need help with power tools? Maybe I can woman-splain something for you so you’ll understand it better? Baby lamb? Oh, my baby boy lamb!
LADY-QUIL: Even I think your emasculating him, and I’m dating someone who still thinks all animals are ‘doggie.’

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