Chapter Nineteen: Goodbyes
Better Title: Beau Gets Carried Away

We’re now into the third act of the story, which is terrible. But of course it is!

Third acts are difficult and often aren’t very good. If you don’t like a movie or book, it’s probably the third act’s fault. In the standard three act structure, character and situations are introduced in the first, the characters try to deal with the situation in the second, and in the beginning of the third act, the characters are at their lowest point but rise up against impossible odds by the end.

It’s basic stuff that you can find in any budget-priced scriptwriting book. Make a list of 100 popular stories, and 95 of them will follow this structure. But the third act is where things typically either fall apart, or flat-out don’t make sense.

Even the best storytellers have problems in the third act. Remember Steven Spielberg’s A.I.? The first two thirds of the movie are cool and interesting. And then…it’s not so cool. So if good storytellers have trouble with third acts, what’s Stephenie Meyer to do?!

The answer: Hide the protagonist and let other characters deal with the problem.

In this chapter, the tracker Joss is hot on the trail of Beau. She can’t resist his scent and will stop at nothing until Beau is in her belly. The plan, as I understand it, is that Archie and Jessamine will take Beau to Phoenix and wait it out while Edythe and Eleanor (Hi, Eleanor!) hunt the evil vampire.

At least they actually want to fight. In the last chapter it felt like Edythe wanted to run away forever. Maybe Eleanor hit her over the head with her battle axe and knocked some sense into her.

What bothers me the most, besides the unnecessary chapters about going to Arizona, is that all of this tension is caused by a character who we conveniently just met, a character who conveniently wants to kill Beau at all costs, a character who was created by a lazy writer who put more thought into making her road trip playlist than she did in crafting a good villain.

How would I fix it?

Imagine if Joss was one of the Cullens? Imagine if she was with them the whole time, from day one. And at first we like her. She’s nice and funny. Unassuming. Maybe she has some vampire mind trick that prevents Edythe from reading her thoughts and she can change her eye color. We learn there are murders in the city but not until the end do we find out she’s been the one killing people. Maybe the Cullens were blaming the werewolves for the murders and this added to the rift between the species. Maybe Joss did all this so she could live the good life as Cullen, but still enjoy the blood of humans. And then, in a climatic rain storm in the baseball field, she reveals her true intentions. She was the one behind it all! She wants to punish the Cullens for their betrayal of vampire culture. She doesn’t want to hide anymore! She believes vampires are the master species. Through in some Magneto-esque speech about mankind’s weakness, because it sounds cool. And then she goes after the one thing the Cullens love…Beau. And thus, the chase is on.

Something like that. There’d be more Eleanor and her swords, too. It’s still not great, but at least it would earn some of the tension instead of just telling the reader: Joss is a real mean-meanie. Watch out. It would also show that the Cullens’ compassion can be a weakness. They were fooled into accpeting Joss. The Cullens need a weakness. They’re too goddamn perfect in this story.

Back to the plan…

First, Beau must tell his dad that he’s going to Phoenix so Joss won’t try to kill Charlie. If Joss thinks Beau left town, she will ignore Charlie. This is stupid. Wouldn’t Charlie have some sort of Beau-ish odor too? He’s Beau’s dad. They must share similar DNA, right? But beside that technicality, we’re told again and again how vicious and sinister Joss is, which leads me to believe that she would kill Charlie even if Beau’s long gone. Why wouldn’t she? It’s what evil vampires do, right?

It’s like being told you can’t have pumpkin pie because the pie was taken to Arizona. But there’s still a fresh, warm pumpkin spice muffin just sitting there. It’s different, and not as a good as the pie, but you’d still take a bite. I would.

But after a heated conversation between Beau and his dad, Beau leaves and Joss doesn’t bother attacking Charlie. Ugh. My eyes just rolled back into my head and I saw my brain.

Beau is feeling pretty lousy. He had to have a fake argument with his dad and now Charlie thinks Beau is crazy and mean. But Edythe says that’s how it’s gotta be. So that’s how it be. Now my eyes have rolled so hard, they left the sockets and are traveling down my throat into my stomach. I see the bagel I had for breakfast. Hi, bagel!

Beau peels out in the truck and heads for the Cullen house with Edythe. Edythe says Joss is following them and is just a mile away. This is important because it doesn’t make sense.

Edythe and Beau are in a slow truck. Vampires can run at great speeds. I thought vampires can run faster than cars, so why is Joss still trailing them? It’s only a mile, and Joss has the advantage of cutting through yards and taking shortcuts. Edythe and Beau should have been killed nine seconds ago. Maybe Joss is riding one of those stupid, slow hoverboard scooters. Did I read this wrong? I’m confused. Meyer isn’t the best at writing action scenes…or dialogue, or expository information, or (probably) recipies.

Stephen Meyer’s Rice Krispie Treat Recipe

Step One: In the gloaming light of dusk, look at the cold, still bowl about to be filled with the rice so crisp that it murmurs when it drinks in the pure white bovine nectar.

Step Two: Take the ingredients, whatever they may be, and twist them into a concoction.

Step Three: Now you must decide: Do you make the treats or is it better to leave the treats alone. Life is about crossing the threshold. The choice is yours. Do what you must.

Step Four: And as icy rain slickens the surface of reality, so too must you cover your heart. Knowing is nearly enough.

(Serves 12)

At the Cullen house, Edythe and Beau find Lauren, the evil vampire who isn’t that evil. Lauren says she must stay out of this battle with Joss and plans to head to Alaska. She warns them that Joss is super mean and super strong.

Meanwhile, Eleanor is amazing. She doesn’t get all this running around crap. She just wants to fight. And if I do get Eleanor for Secret Santa, I don’t mind going over the $25 limit.

Earnest and Beau change clothes to fool Joss and then Archie carries Beau…someplace. I’m not sure. A car? The airport? Probably a car. All I know is that Archie swings Beau over his shoulder in the fireman’s carry, which is kind of funny to think about.

Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 4
Total: 89

Prediction
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: So, Ms. Meyer. Because of your literary success, we want you to reboot some old movies. Let’s see what you got.
STEPHENIE MEYER: Well, in my remake of Raiders of the Lost Ark, the movie ends with Indiana Jones hiding in Arizona because the Nazis are too powerful.
PRODUCER: And then what?
MEYER: Someone kills the Nazis.
PRODUCER: Who?
MEYER: I don’t know. Let’s call him Jason. Jason does it. It’s offscreen.
PRODUCER: Okay. What else you got?
MEYER: In my remake of E.T., Elliot can’t help E.T. because that would be difficult. So instead, Elliot is carried away by a fireman.
PRODUCER: What happens to E.T.?
MEYER: Um…well, in this version E.T. can see the future, so he knows what will happen…and…um…we learn that E.T. can defeat the scientists by moving sideways. Then it works out. Also, E.T. falls in love with Gerite. It’s not gross because It’s romantic.
PRODUCER: Great! What else?
MEYER: I have a version of Spider-Man?
PRODUCER: We’re always interested in rebooting Spider-Man.
MEYER: In my version, he doesn’t use his powers. He just kind of sits there bitching about stuff he could easily fix. And then he goes to the Arizona desert. There’s no buildings, so he can’t swing or anything. It’s pretty much him walking around with a real pouty face for two and half hours.
PRODUCER: Wonderful!
MEYER: And I wrote a treatment for a Jurassic World sequel. The entire movie takes place in a high school.
PRODUCER: Are there dinosaurs?
MEYER: It’s about a young girl who must choose between a hot guy and this other hot guy. Decisions are a type of dinosaur, if you think about it.
PRODUCER: Take this bag of money, my Queen.

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