Chapter Eighteen: The Hunt
Better Title: This Makes No Sense

While reading these books, the question comes up as to how, or even if, these books were edited. What type of professional editor would let this nonsensical drivel through the gates of publishing?

After thinking about this for six long years, I still don’t have a great answer. The sad, awful truth of the publishing industry is that it lacks reason. The greatest manuscript in the world can be easily overlooked in favor of word diarrhea and if you asked the publishing team why, the answer will probably be one of the following;

1. Money – The book has been focus group tested and is statistically crafted to sell, no matter the quality.
2. Dumb Luck

What was the editor thinking when reading Twilight? You’d have to ask him or her, but I assume the thought process went something like:

“This isn’t very good, but it doesn’t have to be good because it’s for teens. Teens will like it because it’s about love and danger, and the book doesn’t challenge the mind or offer a new type of storytelling, which means it’ll be easier for the masses to digest. It’s brainless by design. As such, there’s no point in changing things. I’m leaving work early and going to the park to giggle.”

Maybe that’s not the case. Maybe Stephenie Meyer’s original manuscript was far, far worse than what was finally published and like chiseling a statue from a block of marble, the brave editor was able to at least chip away the truly terrible chunks.

I’ve been an editor for nearly 15 years, but my work is for magazine and online articles. I don’t have experience editing fiction. That said, if Twilight came across my eyes as an editor, I wouldn’t trash it or burn it. I would try to fix it, because I’m a great editor. (Ask my freelancers, some of whom still talk to me!)

To find out how I’d fix it, please read all the other Twilight Blogs.

This chapter is one thing I’d change, if not omit completely. I do not understand this chapter. It makes me angry. And coming off the best chapter of the book, makes this confusing, illogical chapter hurt worse.

The three evil vampires appear in the baseball field, and they are: Lauren, Joss and Victor. Lauren in the original book was Laurent. Joss was James and I think Victor was Victoria? Does that sound right? Now that the genders have been swapped, this is breaking my mind with possibilities and life-changing philosophies! Or maybe Meyer just changed a few letters and is now waiting in line at the award store for her “Bravest Author” trophy.

Lauren tells the Cullens that they’ve been hunting and roaming the area and want to play baseball. Carine eases the tension by inviting the evil vampires to the house, and things are going swimmingly until Joss catches a whiff of Beau’s scent and then the book dissolves into a puddle of confusion juice.

I’ll try (not very hard) to make sense of what happens.

First, Carine tells Joss to back off because Beau is with them. Lauren (who leads the evil vampires) agrees not to kill him and they all go running off to the Cullen house.

Then Edythe whisks Beau to the Jeep where Archie and Eleanor (Hi, Eleanor!) discuss possible tactics.

Edythe says Joss is a tracker, which means she will stop at nothing until she tracks and kills Beau. Why? Why is that suddenly a thing? Because the story needs it to be true.

After that, I grit my teeth so hard tiny sparks fly out of my mouth and I run around screaming, “Help, I’m a real dragon!” Then I think about dragons for a bit.

After that, Edythe comes up with a plan to hide Beau in Phoenix.

Eleanor wants to fight the vampires because this whole book should have been about her. She is right. She is strong. She’s the only one of these sad sadders who’s willing to actually fight the evil vampires.

Eleanor, I’m inviting you to Thanksgiving dinner. You can bring your swords and your Triforce of Power, which I’m sure you own. You cannot bring your siblings because I hate them and I don’t have enough pilgrim hats. I would also like you to spice up the pumpkin pie with your Cool Whip, which is a real Indiana Jones whip you made out of the devil’s own tail.

And then Archie says stuff about the future and I get angry because shouldn’t he know what’s going to happen? Shouldn’t it be clear once a decision is made if Beau will live or die? Also, why aren’t the vampires going to war? There’s a clear threat. Eliminate the threat. [sigh]

Edythe is enraged. You’d think this rage, this furious sense of protection, would drive Edythe into a whirlwind of violence as she attacks the evil vampires. Instead she gets cranky with Beau. I’ve seen women on reality shows get more violent after being disrespected by something as trivial as spilled wine. Anyone of the Real Housewives of Wherever would be all up in Joss’s face right now screaming, “No! Nuh-uh! I didn’t come here to make friends. What? What you gonna do?” This is a life-and-death situation (kinda) so shouldn’t Edythe be more violent and crazed? Shouldn’t she be attacking Joss right now? I hate Edythe.

I’m not really sure what happens for a few paragraphs. Instead, I think about Thanksgiving.

And then it’s somehow decided that Beau will tell his dad that he’s immediately going to Phoenix. And then he’ll actually go to Phoenix while Eleanor and Edythe stay behind to protect Charlie. Why does Charlie need protection? Because this book hates me.

We’re told that the tracker vampire will stop at nothing in her quest to kill Beau. Once she picks up his scent, she’ll be led to Charlie’s house and then she will kill Charlie because…vampire feelings.

Just a reminder:

1. Charlie’s a cop. He has guns. What happens if he shoots Joss in the face?
2. Charlie’s best friends in the whole wide world are a pack of werewolves.
3. If Charlie’s life were in real danger, the good vampires could also shove him over to Phoenix or send him to Spain. Or whatever! It’s easy. Just hide him. If he refuses to go, knock him unconscious and drag him to Australia. If lives are at stake, maybe it’s time to forgo the whole secret vampire code of secrecy and DO THE RIGHT THING!

Quiz!

How do the vampires react?
A. They fight the evil vampires, showing us what true heroes look like.
B. They act like a 5-year-old who just saw a spider.

Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 2
Total: 85

Predction
BEAU: The house is on fire! What should we do?
EDYTHE: I will take you to Arizona where the fire cannot get you.
ELEANOR: Or I could put the fire out.
ARCHIE: No, it’s too dangerous. If you extinguish the fire, the smoke might get into Beau’s eyes and they will get itchy. Phoenix is the right move.
EDYTHE: We should also change your name, and you’ll need to start using an Irish accent so the fire can’t find you.
BEAU: [Irish accent] Top o’ the mornin’ to yeh, fiddle me timbers!
ARCHIE: Kinda too much pirate, but it’s good enough.
BEAU: What about my dad?
EDYTHE: Forget it. He’s dead. And if he’s not dead, I’ll tell him you fell in a pit and died while screaming out, “Daddy, save me!”
BEAU: Killed in a pit?
EDYTHE: It’s the only way. If your dad knows you’re still alive, he might tell the fire.
ELEANOR: I put the fire out while you were talking. I just covered it with my cape. Problem solved.
EDYTHE: [On the phone] That’s right, Mr. Swan. He died in a pit while screaming for you. There’s no body because the possums. Sorry. Also, I’m moving to Phoenix. You shouldn’t go to Phoenix because when I get there, I’m telling everyone that you poop your pants. So if you go to Phoenix, you’ll be laughed at. I’m sorry. You are my life now. Bye.
CARINE: My children are so wise.

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