Chapter Twenty-Two: Hide-And-Seek
Better Title: Archie-Nemesis

Happy Cyber Monday! Have you seen what wonderful things I have for sale?

Check out the list of good stuff!

The Jetpack Werewolf ornament sold out rather quickly. For details on the (slight) possibility that more can be made, click here.

Power Pencils are the perfect present!

But enough about that, it’s Twilight time!

This book is (slowly) coming to a close and that gives us time to reflect on why this book exists. The gender-swap idea isn’t paying off in any real or interesting way. It’s more of an Instagram filter than a thought-provoking study on society.

Case in point: In this chapter, after escaping from Archie and Jessamine, Beau takes a cab to his house. In the original book, the cab driver was a man. In this version…she’s a woman!

[Cue loud pipe organ chord as birds fly out of trees]

Who the hell cares? What the hell is the point of that gender swap? The cab driver character has two lines of dialogue, and neither of those lines is, “Here’s what I think about culture….”

For all intents and purposes of the story, the cab driver is a sexless being. He/She is a prop, a doorknob that lets Beau enter the next scene.

So why was this character transformed from a man to a woman? This character’s gender was never integral to anything. That Meyer changed the gender of this non-character only proves that this whole thing is just a “find-replace” edit without any thought put into it at all.

I’m shocked that the book doesn’t also include information such as: Edythe stood next to the tree, and that tree was a female tree this time.

I’m all for talking about gender roles in literature and abolishing the damsel-in-distress tropes, but this stack of garbage paper has all the intelligence and thoughtfulness of a potato. A boy potato.

There are billions of better places to find thoughts and opinions regarding gender roles, and none of them were written by Ms. Meyer.

Sorry if that sounded angry. I’m not really that angry. It’s not as though I expected this to open the eyes of the world and change how gender is perceived. It’s Twilight. I was expecting crap and crap’s what I got. It’s just been so long since I read these horrid arrangements of letters that it boils my blood.

The good news, or should I say great news, is that the Lego Advent Calendar countdown blog begins tomorrow, right here on LaserFarm.com! Every day I’m opening a new Lego thing from the Star Wars Lego calendar and sharing the joy with you via photos and nonsense! It’s everything that Twilight is not. And I’m smiling right now just thinking about the bricks. Sweet werewolves of Jupiter, December is going to be fun!

So what happens in this chapter, besides the female cab driver who taught the world how to be?

It starts with Archie having visions and I don’t care. In the intro, Stephenie Meyer murmured something about changing how Archie’s powers work in this book, but the vampire powers still seem as useful and well-designed as edible carpet. Sometimes Archie can see the future, and sometimes he can’t, and when I think about why and how, tiny amounts of rage-blood trickle out my nose.

Let’s stop thinking about it.

Archie has no clue about what will happen. He doesn’t suspect that Beau is about to ditch the good vampires and return to his house. Through a series of events best described as “Twilight-y”, Beau loses Archie and Jessamine in the airport and somehow manages to get home…thanks to that cab driver who has ovaries and definitely doesn’t have testicles.

At the house, Beau finds the number Joss left, and calls it. Joss answers and tells Beau to meet her at the ballet studio. Beau arrives at the studio and hears his mom crying out his name.

I hope you’re sitting down on two chairs, because this is going to wow you. You are about to feel the full force of Stephenie Meyer’s author powers.

Are you sitting? Are you ready for the big reveal? This is a HUGE spoiler alert, so be prepared….

It’s not really his mom at all! It was just an old video recording of Mrs. Swan calling out for Beau.

Not since the end of Fight Club has a finale been so shocking and perfect. [Sarcasm thumb]

Joss then spills the beans on her plan, like a drunk James Bond villian. It turns out that Joss once tried to stalk young Archie, because Archie smelled very good. But then something happened at an asylum and Archie was taken away and turned into a vampire.

Was that in the original book? I can’t remember. And while I have the time to go back and check on the gender of the cab driver, I haven’t the strength to look up Alice’s backstory.

Joss’s plan is to torture Beau on camera, so that Edythe can witness the horror, and then Joss can fight the entire Cullen clan. And then she’ll make the Cullens feel pain and this is how she’s getting back at Archie. Or something. (Did I get that right? This whole Archie/Joss things reads like a toddler explaining the entirety of Tolkien in a single sentence.)

Joss then starts breaking Beau’s bones and, while I don’t like Beau and would rather eat my own elbow than hang out with such a thankless, sad, toolbox, I feel bad for him here. There’s nothing he can really do. Granted, he’s only in this situation because the good-guy vampires are bunch of loony dingbats with all the battle strategy of a 4-year-old playing Connect Four (you could have blocked me 9 times, Trevor!), but that doesn’t mean Beau deserves to have his body destroyed.

Do I really care about Beau? Maybe I’m just filled with the Christmas spirit.

Joss is about to kill Beau when the chapter ends.

Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 1
Total: 91

Prediction
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: We’re all set with the cast for Life and Death. Shooting starts tomorrow.
STEPHENIE MEYER: Who’s playing the bird?
PRODUCER: Bird?
MEYER: Yes, there’s a bird flying in the opening shot. Who’s playing the bird?
PRODUCER: It’s just a bird.
MEYER: But it must be a boy bird, you see. It was a girl bird in the first movie.
PRODUCER: I don’t think that matters.
MEYER: You imbecile. Don’t you get it? The bird was a girl. And now it must be boy. It all depends on this.
PRODUCER: So you want a boy bird?
MEYER: It’s not what a I want. it’s what I need…for my art. That bird, once a woman/now a man, will show the world how brave I am. I am willing to change my work, to offer a deeper perspective into this theater we call life. The bird is now no longer a feminine creature of 1950s matriarchy. By changing genders, I am highlighting the importantude of the story.
PRODUCER: I don’t think “importantude” is a word.
MEYER: And because I’m the bravest of all the people, I will also change the gender of the deer.
[Phone Rings]
MEYER: Hello, Mr. President. Yes I did change the genders. Mm-hmm. What’s that you say? The entire world is now at peace and there are no more wars? And it’s all my doing? And it’s because I’m so brave? Why thank you Mr. President. Or, should I say, Mrs. President?
PRODUCER: So brave…

Blogging Twilight is brought to you by PowerPencils.com. There are two new Power Pencils! The Pencil of Goblins is one of the best pencils yet, and I loved making it and the instruction manual. There’s also a brand new Santa Pencil that acts as an antenna right to Mr. Santa Claus himself! These are both for sale individually, or buy the complete Series 3 Power Pencil set which include seven wonderful, magic writing staffs! Visit the store today!

For up to the minute Blogging Twilight news, follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram!