Book Review: The Great Gatsby

The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald 

It’s another “Dan Was Assigned this In High School But Didn’t Read It Until He Was 40” classic! And you know what… it’s pretty good. It’s an odd novel because you’re never rooting for any of the characters. At least I wasn’t rooting for them. They are all stupid, artless dumb-dumbs and the type of people I would avoid at a party…a party I wouldn’t be invited to in the first place. [See also: Gone With the Wind.] And I’d be happy at home watching YouTube videos instead of going to their dumb party! 

The story is really simple: Rich Dummy pines for the Boring Lady and everyone is miserable. But…get this…despite being miserable, they have big parties. It’s almost as if the parties are a facade?! Could it be that everything is a facade?!?!? And you know what? I’m not sure the billboard in the novel showing the giant eyeglasses is really just a billboard at all!!!!

This short book is a classic because of how well it’s written. F. Scott doesn’t waste a single sentence or word. Everything means something, and there’s a mountain of subtext about American society, wealth, greed, passion, nostalgia and any other theme you could write about in 10th grade. Writing about this book is really easy. Example: The green light of Daisy’s dock represents man’s desire for green lights. The End.

There’s nothing surprising in the book. While the writing was impressive I didn’t drop the book when I was done and weep to the heavens, “I get it! I get what all the fuss is about!” It’s just a genuinely good book. Now I have to go. I hope you have fun at the party. The ad on this YouTube video about ranking Zelda bosses has finally finished and I gotta get back to it. 

I’m reviewing books to help raise money for Reading is Fundamental. Click here to donate! 

2020 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Twenty-Two

It’s a dark winter night. The air is as sharp as needles. I’m on my eighth cup of coffee as I sit in my car waiting…and waiting. The radio crackles and cackles a Christmas song sung by a long-dead crooner. I wait. Merry Christmas? We’ll see.

The waiting is the job. The chasing? That’s the fun. It’s been two hours without a sign. But I know better than to give up. I check my watch. I check my pistol. I check my knife. It’s habit.

Then a flash of headlights. I hear the wet grumble of filthy street snow as the weighty van approaches. I stiffen. And then I relax. No good getting tight. You get tight, you get killed. That’s the rule.

The van stops. The driver steps out. I don’t know him. And if it all goes as planned, I never will. But sometimes the plan fades away in the fog of a discharged firearm. Not today. Today is a good day.

I see what I need to see. I see it all go down. I’ve seen enough. I start the engine. I drive away casually. No cause for alarm. I reach my favorite pay phone, the one at Reggie’s Diner where the food all tastes like nicotine and regret.

I send a dime into the phone. A woman’s voice answers on the first ring. This dame is frantic. I tell her to take a drink. I tell her to take a breath. And I tell her what I saw.

I saw the package. And her item has been received by the local post office. It should arrive tomorrow

It’s gonna be a merry Christmas…for someone.

And I go back out into the night. Another box to hunt. Another gift to spot.

I’m a package tracker.

It’s the job.

I don’t carry a badge. I carry scars. And a scanner.

Excerpt from my hard crime novel Death on a Doorstep: The Gavin Hurlock Files.

Anyway. Lego!

Today we get… Continue reading

2020 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Twenty-One

Spend this week however you’d like.

Go all in on the holidays. Do nothing at all. Bake cookies. Bake leftover pizza. Read quietly in bed. Binge Schitt’s Creek. Sit in the dark drinking room temperature coffee. Start to suspect your neighbor of treason based on the number of times he checked the mail which correlates directly to the number of times you’ve been stung by a bee. Make brownies. Sing carols. Shout carols. Whisper carols.

Whatever you do is good and great. You don’t owe this holiday anything.

You don’t need to go shopping. You don’t need to wear the special pajamas if you don’t want. You don’t need to count the number of shingles on your neighbor’s roof and in doing so decipher coordinates to “The Mongoose.”

You do you.

I do I.

And I do Lego. Today we find…

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2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 4

I had to go to Target yesterday and buy a strand of lights for my Christmas tree. (Never buy a pre-lit Christmas tree. I did and now, ten years later, I have a tree with a full strand of dead lights that are woven and welded and fused with the tree in such a manner that it would take Dumbledore and the Infinity Gauntlet working in tandem to separate the lights from the tree.)

Purchasing lights at Target should have been easy, but thanks to shopping carts it turned into a nine-hour battle. These wheeled road blocks made navigating the aisles impossible. I was trapped in the corridors of commerce and if I stopped to weep, I would hear the hungry roar of the Minotaur as it hunted in its labyrinth made not of stone but reasonably-priced merchandise! Or maybe I was just cranky.

I understand the need for shopping carts, but it’s a common courtesy to park your cart along the side of the aisle. If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle, perpendicular to the walls, then yes, I will toss a raw egg into your cart. And what can you do about that? Call the police? Ha!

Today the Lego calendar coughs up… Continue reading

2015 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 17

YodaDanSee that photo? That’s me in my Yoda shirt. It doesn’t fit anymore or else I’d wear it to The Force Awakens.

I hope to see the movie Sunday. The plan is that my girlfriend and I will head over to the theater on Saturday, to see what the ticket situation is like. I figure tonight is sold out, and it’s probably sold out Friday and Saturday too, but I hope we have a shot to see it Sunday afternoon.

I guess that means I’m old. SHUT UP!

I don’t understand why everyone if falling over themselves to post reviews of the movie. The movie is review-proof. I also remember that when The Phantom Menace was released, the first reviews were generally positive. While we all know that movie is terrible in ways best described as a flavor, and that flavor is stale tomato soup, at first everyone liked it. I think we were Star Wars drunk. And that’s probably happening now, too.

It takes a while for a true opinion of a Star Wars movie to sink in. You have to let it live in your mind for a month or two.

These early reviews, which seem generally positive, don’t mean a thing.

But we have more important things to discuss — today’s Lego item, which is… Continue reading

Blogging Twilight Life and Death: Part Twenty-Two

Twi 22Chapter Twenty-Two: Hide-And-Seek
Better Title: Archie-Nemesis

Happy Cyber Monday! Have you seen what wonderful things I have for sale?

Check out the list of good stuff!

Holiday Signs In Frame

The Jetpack Werewolf ornament sold out rather quickly. For details on the (slight) possibility that more can be made, click here.

Power Pencils are the perfect present!

But enough about that, it’s Twilight time!

This book is (slowly) coming to a close and that gives us time to reflect on why this book exists. The gender-swap idea isn’t paying off in any real or interesting way. It’s more of an Instagram filter than a thought-provoking study on society.

Case in point: In this chapter, after escaping from Archie and Jessamine, Beau takes a cab to his house. In the original book, the cab driver was a man. In this version…she’s a woman! Continue reading

Lego Advent Calendar: Day 24 – The Grand Finale!

It’s here! It’s here! The last day of the Star Wars Lego Advent Calendar!

Even if today’s item is just a few pieces of Lego coal, I’d consider this year’s calendar a success. I’ll have the full rundown of the items (in order from worst to best) at the end of this article.

Enough talk.

Who is coming down that black chimney?
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Lego Advent Calendar: Day 23

Yesterday at approximately 5:17 p.m., the Christmas Shoes song erupted from the speakers of my car radio and clawed its way into my brain and soul.

I was so close to celebrating an entire holiday season without hearing that awful song.

I failed.

Next year. There’s always next year. *sigh* *hiccup*

This is the penultimate day of the Lego calendar. It all ends tomorrow. Today’s item better be great, because I could use a pick-me-up.

Today’s item is…
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Lego Advent Calendar: Day 22

If you lack the Christmas Spirit this year, or if you just enjoy wonderful things, I demand you watch the Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special, available for streaming on Netflix. It’s a thing of insane beauty, much like Naked Shower Santa.

Watch it. Or just stand outside my window today, because I’ll probably be watching it again while I wrap presents.

Pee-Wee Herman, along with He-Man, Star Wars, and Construx, was a major circle in the Venn Diagram of Lil’ Dan Bergstein. Paul Reubens and the team that made Pee-Wee’s Playhouse were geniuses and I’m a better person for their existence.

I could write thousands of words about Pee-Wee Herman, but today’s Lego item is such a wonderful bit of weirdness we need to see it…NOW!

Today’s item is…
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