Chapter Twenty-Three: The Choice
Better Title: Well…That Was Quick
So there I was, reading this dumb-dumb book and nodding my head as the story chugs along just as it did in the original Twilight. And then I get to the last few paragraphs of this chapter and — Ka-Boom! Things are different!
Stephenie Meyer actually changed the story?!
I couldn’t believe it at first, so I reread it and while I could go online to check my findings, I want “Twilight” to be in my internet search history as little as possible. So here’s what I think happens.
The previous chapter ended with Joss about to bit Beau’s face off. And this chapter opens with Joss being attacked by the Cullens.
Because Stephenie Meyer hates me, we don’t see what happens with Joss. I assume Eleanor kills her with a flaming sword while screaming, “Not on my watch, sister!” Or, more likely, Carine gave Joss a stern warning and three punishment points on the chore wheel.
With Joss gone, the Cullens rush to save Beau. Everyone is freaking out about his broken bones and then Edythe sees the bite mark. Beau was bitten!
So far, this is pretty much what happened in Twilight. But are you sitting down? If not, how are you reading this? Are you standing on a train, maybe? Or in line at the store to buy me a present? (I wear a size XL Storm Trooper Helmet!)
Edythe needs to suck out the vampire venom before it’s too late. But it’s not working. Archie has a vision of only two outcomes. Either Beau will die a human, or he can live…as a vampire.
Edythe doesn’t know what to do. She asks the injured Beau to make the ultimate decision: Die or live forever as a perfect being with millions of dollars, super powers and a sex life beyond compare? Tough call. It makes sense that such a decision took the original books three entire volumes to answer.
Beau says he wants to be with Edythe, no matter what. And like that [Dan smacks the book against his angry fist] Beau gets to be a vampire.
What?!
Holy freaking crap! That saves a lot of time! That deletes all of New Moon and Eclipse. A few poorly written sentences and Beau gets to be a vampire? Wow. So you’re telling me I read all that crap about Italy and the fountain and the pregnancy and whatever the hell happened in Eclipse (it was about a haunted waterpark, right?) when this whole damn story could have been solved with a simple nibble on the neck?
I’m not sure if I’m angry or thrilled? I’m laughing. I can’t stop laughing. Or shaking.
Bravo, Meyer. I didn’t expect this. I expected another drawn out series of books filled with murmur conversations about destiny and hope, and then, only after Beau somehow has a baby (or a kidney stone), is he allowed to be turned into a vampire.
But instead the book went all logical on me. I don’t know how to handle that. It’s like when the bully helps you fix a flat tire. It’s a nice gesture, but deep down you’re waiting for the sucker punch. Will Meyer punch me? What’s she planning?! I’m scared, guys. Real scared.
There is a chance I read this wrong. Maybe the next chapter will open with, “That was all a dream! I’m not a vampire. Instead, Edythe just gave me a Band Aide and now we’re talking about passion and rules.”
Kinda curious to see how the last chapter wraps this up. What else will be different?
The final Twilight Blog lands on Friday.
Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 0
Total: 91
Prediction
BEAU: Please, my lion….make me…a vampire…
EDYTHE: Sure.
BEAU: Oh…um.
EDYTHE: What?
BEAU: Well, I thought there’d be more to it. Maybe I had to take a test or something?
EDYTHE: Nah. It’s easy.
BEAU: Also, it was kinda weird that you guys were so afraid of that Joss vampire, and then you easily killed her in, like, twenty-seconds.
EDYTHE: Yeah. That was weird.
JULIE: Hey Beau. Just dropped by to let you know I’m a werewolf and I have feelings for you.
BEAU: No way! I thought it would take at least half a novel to figure that out.
JULIE: You and I might have fun hanging out together, but in the end, it’s probably better if we’re just friends. We cool?
BEAU: Hmm. That seems to save some time and decision making.
JULIE: Also, if you have a son, I’m gonna marry him. Don’t freak out.
CARINE: We just sent the Volturi an email explaining everything. They’re fine with it. They’re not going to involve themselves with this.
BEAU: So…everything is wrapping up.
EDYTHE: Seems so.
MARCUS: Anyone see a turtle? It’s green? Has the word “Viper” painted on the shell?
EDYTHE: Sorry, Markie. We don’t really have time for you in this story.
QUIL: What about me?
EDYTHE: Nope. You can go too.
QUIL: If you need me, I’ll in my ice cream truck — the one with “Free Nintendos” spray painted on the side.
Blogging Twilight is brought to you by PowerPencils.com!
For up to the minute Blogging Twilight news, follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram!