Chapter Twenty: Impatient
Better Title: Bromance Brewing

Here’s how Stephenie Meyer would write a joke:

Q: What happens when you cross a hot dog with a birdcage?
A: The punchline was announced elsewhere. You needn’t worry about such things.

That’s how this chapter feels. Instead of showing us the hunt, instead of describing how Eleanor and Edythe try to catch the evil vampire Joss, the author instead focuses on how Beau deals with an empty hotel room.

Instead of showing us Eleanor fighting Joss in the mountains while thunder cracks and wolves howl, we’re treated to Beau describing a digital clock. A digital clock?!! I didn’t sludge through all 200-plus pages of this boo-hoo tale of misery just so I could listen to a boring person tell another boring person that Eleanor is doing rad stuff. I WANT TO SEE IT! Show me! Continue reading →

Chapter Nineteen: Goodbyes
Better Title: Beau Gets Carried Away

We’re now into the third act of the story, which is terrible. But of course it is!

Third acts are difficult and often aren’t very good. If you don’t like a movie or book, it’s probably the third act’s fault. In the standard three act structure, character and situations are introduced in the first, the characters try to deal with the situation in the second, and in the beginning of the third act, the characters are at their lowest point but rise up against impossible odds by the end.

It’s basic stuff that you can find in any budget-priced scriptwriting book. Make a list of 100 popular stories, and 95 of them will follow this structure. But the third act is where things typically either fall apart, or flat-out don’t make sense.

Even the best storytellers have problems in the third act. Remember Steven Spielberg’s A.I.? The first two thirds of the movie are cool and interesting. And then…it’s not so cool. So if good storytellers have trouble with third acts, what’s Stephenie Meyer to do?! Continue reading →

Chapter Eighteen: The Hunt
Better Title: This Makes No Sense

While reading these books, the question comes up as to how, or even if, these books were edited. What type of professional editor would let this nonsensical drivel through the gates of publishing?

After thinking about this for six long years, I still don’t have a great answer. The sad, awful truth of the publishing industry is that it lacks reason. The greatest manuscript in the world can be easily overlooked in favor of word diarrhea and if you asked the publishing team why, the answer will probably be one of the following;

1. Money – The book has been focus group tested and is statistically crafted to sell, no matter the quality.
2. Dumb Luck Continue reading →

Chapter Seventeen: The Game
Better Title: Eleanor’s Jeep

This is a good Twilight chapter, one of the few that stands out as being not a miserable collection of poorly chosen words. It might even by my favorite. But that’s like picking a favorite headache — even the best ones hurt.

Here we watch the vampires play baseball during the thunderstorm. It might be the one shining moment in which the vampires have genuine fun. During the rest of the series, the vampires are glum chums who whine about perfection the same way an 80s comedian whined about airplane food. But here they’re actually having a good time. More of this please. Less of the glares and schmaltzy comments about life and love and shadows and pain and longing and consequences and desire and warmth, and you can lose the whole baby-dating thing too. Continue reading →

Chapter Sixteen: Carine
Better Title: Marcus!

The idea of The Volturi is a good one — a secret, byzantine order of ancient vampires hidden in old European locales who have strict codes of conduct and blur the line between monsters and dignitaries. It sounds like a terrific Guillermo del Toro movie.

But Stephenie Meyer’s brain is like a Instagram filter that ruins good ideas with pathetic effects. The result is a subplot that’s boring when it should be intriguing and funny when it should be scary. She ruins everything. If Stephenie Meyer had an idea for a cheesecake, it would be filled with raisins and have toothpaste icing.

In this chapter, Edythe delves further into Carine’s backstory and I realize the word “delve” is fun to say. Delve. Sounds like a forbidden number that hides between 12 and 13. From now on, let’s all agree to call 12.5, delve. And 12:30 will now be delve o’clock. Deal? Continue reading →

Chapter Fifteen: The Cullens
Better Title: Where’s Eleanor?

First, and most importantly, after many weeks of sleepless nights, and long conversations with my own ceiling, I have decided to open the Star Wars Lego Advent calendar this year. Yay! It’s going to be fun, especially since this December will be crazy with Star Wars stuff!

The calendar shall be opened beginning December 1st, right here on LaserFarm.com. If this is your first time experiencing the calendar, please take a few hours and weeks and read through the previous blogs.

Year One
Year Two
Year Three – The most terrible year. Still angry.
Year Four
Year Five

If you don’t have the time to read through all that, here’s the gist: I want a Lego Mrs. Claus. I know I won’t get one again this year, but there’s always hope. Right? RIGHT? Is this hopeless?

Speaking of hopeless…Twilight is bad. Here’s why this chapter is wrong. Continue reading →

Chapter Fourteen: Mind Over Matter
Better Title: Beau-ners

Can I watch you sleep? Can I come into your bedroom and sit and stare as you slumber? It’s okay if you say no, because I’m going to do it anyway. I can’t help myself. And you should feel honored that such a perfect person would want to spend my freetime violating your privacy and trust.

What statement best describes the above paragraph?
A. Words of a sexual predator.
B. There is no other answer, because this is messed up! Continue reading →

Chapter Thirteen: Confessions
Better Title: Edythe Had a Little Lamb

This is perhaps the most famous chapter of the entire series, besides the birth scene. Here we see Edythe glitter and run, and Beau gets kissed!

It starts with Edythe stepping out in the sun wearing nothing but a tank top and jeans. When the sun hits her skin, she explodes and the book ends.

Of course that’s not true. We all know that when a Twilight vampire stands in the sun, they glitter like the aftermath of a third grade craft project. Beau can’t handle the blinding beauty and nearly dissolves into a mess of blubbers and spit. Continue reading →

Chapter Twelve: Balancing
Better Title: It Took Beau 199 Pages To Notice Edythe’s Boobs

He did it! He noticed Edythe’s boobs! Right there on page 199, he mentions “the gentle swell of her breasts.” And I think he only mentioned it because he had already commented on every other part of her body.

He spent paragraphs poetically describing each cell of her neck skin. He told us countless times about her “long” eyes. (What are long eyes? Is Edythe some malformed anime character?) Beau even told us, again and again, how great Edythe’s fingers look.

In the original manuscript of this pseudo-book, I assume Stephenie Meyer also included chapters of elbow descriptions, back-of-the-knee similes, and voluminous studies on how Edythe’s gallbladder was as beautiful as a rosebud and more delicate than a fairy’s fart. Continue reading →

Chapter Eleven: Complications
Better Title: Poke Her Face

With all the gender swapping, let’s take a minute to organize the characters.

Beau – Bella Swan
Edythe – Edward
Julie (or Jules) – Jacob
Royal – Rosalie
Archie (really?) – Alice
Jessamine – Jasper
Carine (Which is the worst way to spell it because it looks like “canine” and I’m giving it a hard I sound because it’s funny to say…Car-Ine!) – Carlisle
Bonnie – Billy (Jacob’s dad)
Earnest – Esme
Quil – Quil

And the rest of Beau’s friends are…whatever. I don’t care about them. Neither should you. Sorry, E-rock-a. Continue reading →