Chapter Twelve: Balancing
Better Title: It Took Beau 199 Pages To Notice Edythe’s Boobs

He did it! He noticed Edythe’s boobs! Right there on page 199, he mentions “the gentle swell of her breasts.” And I think he only mentioned it because he had already commented on every other part of her body.

He spent paragraphs poetically describing each cell of her neck skin. He told us countless times about her “long” eyes. (What are long eyes? Is Edythe some malformed anime character?) Beau even told us, again and again, how great Edythe’s fingers look.

In the original manuscript of this pseudo-book, I assume Stephenie Meyer also included chapters of elbow descriptions, back-of-the-knee similes, and voluminous studies on how Edythe’s gallbladder was as beautiful as a rosebud and more delicate than a fairy’s fart.

So it’s nice that we get at least one sentence fragment about breasts.

Again, I understand that Beau doesn’t want to be crude and that talking about breasts is piggish, but if this were a real teenager, he would have thought about her breasts at least by page 10. Actually, if this were a real teen’s point of view, the boob stuff would appear on the goddamn copyright page, if not on the cover. And every page would feature small, rounded letter W’s instead of page numbers in the bottom corner, and as you flipped the pages, they would jiggle.

Teen boys are weird.

This chapter is NOT the chapter in which Edythe runs through the forest, Instead we are granted a chapter in which Beau thinks about Edythe and Edythe asks him questions about his life. You might remember this chapter back when it was called Chapter Ten.

The chapter begins with Bonnie (Jacob’s dad, who’s now a woman) and Jacob (who’s now a woman named Julie), coming over to the Swan residence to watch a sport game. It’s never clear what sport game they’re watching, so let’s just say it’s horse polo. That’s the kind of game Stephenie Meyer probably assumes boys love to watch.

Of all the gender swapping, the most interesting is that of Bonnie and Julie. It’s nice that Charlie hangs out with Bonnie. You rarely see a man and woman hang out without there being some sexual tension or subtext, and maybe Bonnie and Charlie are secretly dating, but I hope they’re not.

In fact, I would honestly like to see a small, indie movie about a middle-aged dad whose best friend is a middle-aged she-wolf. It’s a story I haven’t seen before. We’ve seen the crappy Twilight story of a forbidden love between perfect people about 1.7 million times. But old lady werewolf stories are hard to come by.

Young writers and filmmakers, I hope you’re reading this.

Oh, and there is one section here that may be dripping with sexual innuendo…if you have a strange brain. Julie is talking about Charlie and Bonnie. I’ll just leave this excerpt here without comment.

“I think Chalire chewed her out pretty good last time. They haven’t spoken since — tonight is sort of a reunion.”

Julie and Beau hang out in a very natural way, because of course they do. Julie is great. But this scene lasts only a page or two, and then we’re treated to dozens of long paragraphs that explain how Beau feels regarding Edythe. Hint: He likes her.

Edythe takes Beau to school the next day and I zone out for a while and think about which Advent calendar I’m going to open this year. I like the idea of the Star Wars Lego calendar, but I’d also prefer something else. The Lego City Advent calendar looks like it’s the exact same stuff from previous calendars, so I’d rather open something new. Thoughts? Suggestions?

Back to this book…

One thing that I hate about Edythe is how she treats Beau. It’s okay for Edythe to make mild, stupid jokes about vampires, but whenever Beau tries to crack wise, Edythe gets all angry faced about it. This happens a lot, and in this chapter, Edythe says it might be better if Charlie knows where Beau is, so nothing is suspicious. And Beau says he’ll take the risk and not tell anyone. He says that if he goes missing and Edythe kills him, he might end up on the news and that would cool. It’s a dumb joke. And then Edythe scolds him like a second-grade teacher who just caught someone wasting water.

Back off, Edythe!

I hate Edythe.

And then Edythe guides Beau to the woods and takes her shirt off. She’s wearing a tank top, so stop giggling. She’s about to step out into the sunlight of the magical meadow when…the chapter ends.

What will happen when the sun hits her? How can I put this book down? I’m so excited! I’ll never be able to sleep! Squeeee!

[Sarcasm pinky]

Murmurs/Mutters/Mumbles: 7
Total: 48
(I’m predicting we get to 110 by book’s end.)

Prediction
EDYTHE: My family and I like to hunt deer. And sometimes when I kill one, I say, “O-Deer!” Like the blood type O? But like “Oh dear!” Haha…I’m funny.
BEAU: I bet for breakfast, you like to eat a bowl of Deerie-Ohs!
EDYTHE: Shut up! That’s not funny! You have no idea what the hell you’re talking about! I hate you! How could you even say that? How could you? Do you know what happens when we hunt? Do you have even the slightest idea what I go through? What I have to do just to live? And you sit there and mock me? Mock my family? Mock my culture? I hope you rot in hell, Beaufort Swan! You insensitive prick!
BEAU: I wrote new lyrics to The Weeknd’s song. [Sings] Can I feel your face when I’m with you? Cuz I like you!

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