Chapter Sixteen: Carine
Better Title: Marcus!

The idea of The Volturi is a good one — a secret, byzantine order of ancient vampires hidden in old European locales who have strict codes of conduct and blur the line between monsters and dignitaries. It sounds like a terrific Guillermo del Toro movie.

But Stephenie Meyer’s brain is like a Instagram filter that ruins good ideas with pathetic effects. The result is a subplot that’s boring when it should be intriguing and funny when it should be scary. She ruins everything. If Stephenie Meyer had an idea for a cheesecake, it would be filled with raisins and have toothpaste icing.

In this chapter, Edythe delves further into Carine’s backstory and I realize the word “delve” is fun to say. Delve. Sounds like a forbidden number that hides between 12 and 13. From now on, let’s all agree to call 12.5, delve. And 12:30 will now be delve o’clock. Deal? Continue reading →

Chapter Fifteen: The Cullens
Better Title: Where’s Eleanor?

First, and most importantly, after many weeks of sleepless nights, and long conversations with my own ceiling, I have decided to open the Star Wars Lego Advent calendar this year. Yay! It’s going to be fun, especially since this December will be crazy with Star Wars stuff!

The calendar shall be opened beginning December 1st, right here on LaserFarm.com. If this is your first time experiencing the calendar, please take a few hours and weeks and read through the previous blogs.

Year One
Year Two
Year Three – The most terrible year. Still angry.
Year Four
Year Five

If you don’t have the time to read through all that, here’s the gist: I want a Lego Mrs. Claus. I know I won’t get one again this year, but there’s always hope. Right? RIGHT? Is this hopeless?

Speaking of hopeless…Twilight is bad. Here’s why this chapter is wrong. Continue reading →

Chapter Fourteen: Mind Over Matter
Better Title: Beau-ners

Can I watch you sleep? Can I come into your bedroom and sit and stare as you slumber? It’s okay if you say no, because I’m going to do it anyway. I can’t help myself. And you should feel honored that such a perfect person would want to spend my freetime violating your privacy and trust.

What statement best describes the above paragraph?
A. Words of a sexual predator.
B. There is no other answer, because this is messed up! Continue reading →

Chapter Thirteen: Confessions
Better Title: Edythe Had a Little Lamb

This is perhaps the most famous chapter of the entire series, besides the birth scene. Here we see Edythe glitter and run, and Beau gets kissed!

It starts with Edythe stepping out in the sun wearing nothing but a tank top and jeans. When the sun hits her skin, she explodes and the book ends.

Of course that’s not true. We all know that when a Twilight vampire stands in the sun, they glitter like the aftermath of a third grade craft project. Beau can’t handle the blinding beauty and nearly dissolves into a mess of blubbers and spit. Continue reading →

Chapter Twelve: Balancing
Better Title: It Took Beau 199 Pages To Notice Edythe’s Boobs

He did it! He noticed Edythe’s boobs! Right there on page 199, he mentions “the gentle swell of her breasts.” And I think he only mentioned it because he had already commented on every other part of her body.

He spent paragraphs poetically describing each cell of her neck skin. He told us countless times about her “long” eyes. (What are long eyes? Is Edythe some malformed anime character?) Beau even told us, again and again, how great Edythe’s fingers look.

In the original manuscript of this pseudo-book, I assume Stephenie Meyer also included chapters of elbow descriptions, back-of-the-knee similes, and voluminous studies on how Edythe’s gallbladder was as beautiful as a rosebud and more delicate than a fairy’s fart. Continue reading →

Chapter Eleven: Complications
Better Title: Poke Her Face

With all the gender swapping, let’s take a minute to organize the characters.

Beau – Bella Swan
Edythe – Edward
Julie (or Jules) – Jacob
Royal – Rosalie
Archie (really?) – Alice
Jessamine – Jasper
Carine (Which is the worst way to spell it because it looks like “canine” and I’m giving it a hard I sound because it’s funny to say…Car-Ine!) – Carlisle
Bonnie – Billy (Jacob’s dad)
Earnest – Esme
Quil – Quil

And the rest of Beau’s friends are…whatever. I don’t care about them. Neither should you. Sorry, E-rock-a. Continue reading →

Chapter Ten: Interrogations
Better Title: Chapter Nine: Part Two

It’s a rainy, cold October day — the perfect kind of day to curl up with a good book. Life and Death isn’t a good book, but it does make me curl up.

This chapter feels like the previous chapter, except now Jeremy and McKayla show up. It’s the day after Beau’s hot and wild date with Edythe. He wakes up hoping it wasn’t a dream, and is excited to find Edythe waiting for him in the driveway.

She drives him to school where everyone gawks as Beau gets out of the car. What did these two do all night? Are they dating? Did they do sex? Is Beaufort even a real name? The gossip runs rampant. Continue reading →

Chapter Nine: Theory
Better Title: How Not To Flirt

You are not going to believe this, but Edythe is a vampire!

I wonder if anyone reading the first book was unaware of the vampire stuff. Maybe they thought it was just a story about a boring girl who falls in love with a mysterious man. And then they got to this chapter and spit tea all over the room in a fit of surprise while whispering, “Nicely done, madam author. Well played!”

This entire chapter takes place in Edythe’s Volvo, as she takes Beau home after the night of thugs and ravioli. It’s a testament to either my hunger or Meyer’s inability to create memorable stories, but what I remember most about the first book is that one ravioli Bella ate.

I think about it often. Continue reading →

Chapter Eight: Port Angeles
Better Title: A Woman Pays For Dinner?!

Twilight is the best book in the series. New Moon has the werewolves, but it also has a third act that makes negative amounts of sense. I’ve forgotten what happens in Eclipse (was it about winning a ticket to a magic candy factory?), and Breaking Dawn is the reason I tremble when alone with my own thoughts.

Twilight is 100% awful, but when compared to what’s to come, it’s maybe only 97% awful. Like I’ve said, the description of the town and settings are nice and Stephenie Meyer has one idea for this story and sticks to it.

Though I’m sure Meyer loved the idea of making a series of vampire romance books, whatever creative ability she had was limited to telling one Beauty and the Beast story. When she was forced to expand a very, very simple premise, that’s when things got bloated with Volturi, imprinting, baby dating and enough deus ex machina to open a deus ex factory-a. Continue reading →

Chapter Seven: Nightmare
Better Title: Actually…that’s a pretty good title alreadyy

October is the perfect time to read scary stories, but Twilight doesn’t count since it’s as frightening as a Garfield comic strip. That’s why I’m also reading Acceptance, the third book of The Southern Reach Trilogy by Jeff Vandermeer.

Though I’m just starting the third and final book, I highly recommend the entire series. The first book is like the show Lost mixed with H.P. Lovecraft creepiness. The second book feels like a sci-fi horror as directed by the Coen Brothers. And the third book (of which I’m only on page 50), is a great mix of everything from the first two. These books are weird, but give them a shot. The first book is just over 200 pages, so it’s a quick read, and you can buy the entire series in a single volume.

This isn’t a paid advertisement. I just really like the series, and it’s nice to have something good to read instead of the gallons of dreck that is Twilight.

Also, since today is Back to the Future Day, I highly recommend The Pencil of Time, from PowerPencils.com. Travel through the chronos with this mighty staff of magic. Cheaper than a DeLorean, and easier to store under a bed or in a pocket. Buy it, use it and say hi to the cyborg dragons of the future. (Ask for Gavin when you get there!)

Enough non-Twilight stuff! Let’s get to the timeless tale of a whiny brat who gets everything he wants. Continue reading →