2018 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Twelve

Posted on December 12, 2018 by Dan Bergstein

My goal this season is to make gingerbread men.

To accomplish this goal, I have told many people that I will make gingerbread men. The first step to baking is to inflate your confidence and get downright cocky about your baking ability. Done!

Now I’m beholden to this promise. People are expecting gingerbread men. And I cannot let them down.

Problem: I have never made gingerbread men, or gingerbread anything. But that means I have beginner’s luck on my side.

I feel good about this.

I don’t yet have the ingredients, or cookie cutters, or icing, or time. And my oven is possessed by a ghost who refuses to let things bake properly. But I won’t let that hold me back. In the coming days, I will let you know how Operation: Enduring Ginger progresses. And if you don’t hear anything else about Operation: Enduring Ginger, assume the mission was a failure as I perform a political cover-up worthy of an Oliver Stone movie.

Side Note: If I’m making cookies for Christmas Eve/Day, when should I bake them? How long can ginger cookies last before going stale? A day? Two days? What if I cover the cookies in wood lacquer? Can you just come over and do it for me?

Spoiler alert: Today’s Lego item is among the best.

It’s… Continue reading →

2018 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Eleven

Posted on December 11, 2018 by Dan Bergstein

Do you have five minutes? Listen to Eric Clapton’s new version of “Jingle Bells.”

It’s beyond terrible.

It has NOTHING to do with Jingle Bells.

You could call this song “Sex Foot” and it would make as much sense.

Did Clapton hit the “demo” button on his Casio keyboard and call it a day?

Sure, there is a very brief “chorus” of someone “singing” “Jingle Bells” but most of this song sounds like music heard over the end credits of a NetFlix movie about a drug deal gone bad.

It’s so awful that I almost love it. Almost.

Well, if guitar legends cashing in on techno-fart holiday music didn’t get you in the Christmas spirit, maybe the Lego calendar can help. Today we get… Continue reading →

2018 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Nine

Posted on December 9, 2018 by Dan Bergstein

Sometimes you need to make your own fun. I picked up this wind-up toy at a craft store when it was on sale for $2. Honestly, even at two bucks I feel slightly ripped off, but if you want a wind-up toy you can paint, beggars cannot be choosers.

The set includes three tiny tubs of paint, and not nearly enough colors to decorate this toy as depicted on the back of the package.

How am I supposed to make all those colors? Red plus gold does NOT make flesh tone.

The good news is I always have extra paint because I’m living my best life.

The better news is that I ditched the acrylic paints and spray-painted this guy pink and metallic silver.

It’s my crowning achievement of the year. I should win the Pulitzer Prize for Santa Painting. (Please vote for me!)

Though hard to tell from the photos, the wind-up toy looks incredible. The silvery metallic screams “Robot!” and the hints of pink whisper, “Cosmic elf.” It’s the type of object you’d buy at an antique store at the center of the moon.

And the wind-up mechanism works rather well for a junky toy.

I love it. If the craft store still has these, I may just make an army of antique pink robot elves.

Try to stop me.

Speaking of robots, in today’s calendar we find… Continue reading →

2018 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Eight

Posted on December 8, 2018 by Dan Bergstein

The Lego Calendar is a symphony, with each of the three weeks acting like a movement and Day 24 is the godly finale.

The first week/movement is a bombastic start to grab your attention. Weeks/movements 2 and 3 give you time to reflect on the themes established in the first. And everything comes together with Day 24. (Hey music students, use this as your thesis! It’s my gift to you!)

Thus far, the Lego calendar is performing a lovely symphony. I’m tapping my toe to the beat and humming the catchy tune. The symphony may turn dark, even atonal, but for now it’s upbeat and pleasant.

As we enter week 2, it’s time to relax in my seat, sit back and enjoy the nuance and subtext of this symphonic calendar.

Today we get… Continue reading →

2018 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 7

Posted on December 7, 2018 by Dan Bergstein

I watched Krampus, the 2016 Christmas horror movie starring Adam Scott and Toni Collette. It’s…kinda great.

It’s not on par with Gremlins, the king of holiday horror-comedy, but it’s in the same goofy ballpark. This movie gets wonderfully weird and silly-in-a-good-way.

If you’re up to your ears with sappy and sweet holiday crap, I recommend Krampus as a nice reminder that there’s more to this season than movies about a single woman in a small town who used to star on Full House.

Also, while Krampus is a horror movie, it’s not super-duper scary. And it has some great production design. Give it a shot. It won’t change the world, but it’s 90 minutes of PG-13 fun horror holiday mayhem.

Today the Lego Calendar offers us… Continue reading →

2018 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 6

Posted on December 6, 2018 by Dan Bergstein

Big news: Last night I beat the original Legend of Zelda for the NES.

I’m proud of myself.

I have beaten the game only once before, many years ago. And while this second victory isn’t as grand as the first, I’m still riding a high comparable to that of taking cocaine for the first time. (I assume.)

While I was a Nintendo kid growing up in the 1980s, Zelda was never a favorite until later in life. When Little Kid Dan borrowed the game from friends, it seemed too hard and strange. Mario made sense to me — run to the right as hard as you can and kill turtles. But Zelda let you go in any direction, with little guidance except for a few cryptic (and mistranslated?) clues. My eight-year-old brain couldn’t handle it.

What was I supposed to do? Go in that door? Is that the right door? Should I not go in that door? Am I doing this wrong? WHERE ARE TURTLES I CAN KILL?!

I love the game now. It’s probably my favorite of the old 8-bit days, even beating out Super Mario 1, 2 and 3.

But Little Kid Dan hated the game, despite my mom’s best efforts.

I don’t know how my mom found out about Zelda but she tried on several occasions to get my brother and I into the game. She was fascinated by the idea of exploring and finding secrets. Something about the game spoke to her and she wanted me to own this magical treasure of a game. However, when writing my wish list to Santa, Zelda never made the cut. I didn’t want Zelda. And so my house was Zelda-free for years…too many years. (I did own an NES game called Werewolf: The Last Warrior. It was terrible.)

I was a fool. My mom was right. Sorry mom!

It wasn’t until the game was re -released on the Gameboy Advanced in the early 2000s that I played through the whole thing. By then, I had already devoured the SNES and Nintendo 64 versions of the legend. And my favorite was the old Gameboy adventure Link’s Awakening — an odd addition to the series that seems to be slightly forgotten.

Playing the original game, even in a world of fancy graphics and high-tech zip-zaps, was a joy.

I love it!

What does all this have to do with a Lego Advent Calendar? Not one damn thing.

Behind today’s door we find… Continue reading →

2018 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 5

Posted on December 5, 2018 by Dan Bergstein

What do I listen to during the hours it takes to open an advent calendar and write about six Lego bricks each day?

This Christmas music playlist on Spotify that I curated.

It’s filled with nearly 9 hours of Christmas music and it keeps me company in December.

And yes, the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack counts as Christmas music — because it certainly isn’t Easter music.

In today’s calendar we find… Continue reading →

2018 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Four

Posted on December 4, 2018 by Dan Bergstein

The new trailer for Captain Marvel was released and it looks like typical whiz-bang Marvel fun. While watching it, an idea hit me. And now I will write a quick pitch to Disney:

Dear Disney,

Please fold Santa Claus into the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Legally, it shouldn’t be a problem since Santa is in the public domain. His powers of flight, engineering, super strength (assumed) and speed fit perfectly with the existing Marvel roster.

Plus, you can add new powers that are never really explained or have zero rules, like whatever the hell the Scarlet Witch can do, or Captain Marvel’s energy beams. (Can she just shoot energy? Does she have a limited number of energy blasts? Does it hurt? Do the beams taste like cherry Slurpees? Is there a muscle she flexes to do that? Is that muscle in the calves?)

Santa can have such vague, nebulous powers — like a glowing blue light that…does stuff. Also, he should have a magic glowing snowball and high-tech goggles for seeing ghosts.

A big budget Santa Claus action movie would be wonderful. With your special effects and flashy visuals it’ll be fun! And make it funny, like Thor: Ragnarok. And colorful, like Thor: Ragnarok. And…just remake Thor: Ragnarok but with Santa Claus.

Who should play the winter wizard himself? Russell Crowe, John Goodman or Daniel Day Lewis. Or me. Your choice.

There is a new Santa Claus movie on NetFlix right now called The Santa Chronicles, starring Kurt Russell. I love Kurt Ruseell but the movie is bad. Don’t look at that for inspiration. But I do like Santa’s coat in that movie. And his big gloves.

Thank you for reading this pitch. I can get started on this right away. I look forward to working with you and making Santa Claus: Snowfall a reality! I’ll send over plot details in my weekly Wednesday pitch letter.

Have a great Tuesday!

Love Aways,
Dan Bergstein

I’ll let you know if they write me back. Ok. Now let’s Lego! Today we find… Continue reading →

2018 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Three

Posted on December 3, 2018 by Dan Bergstein

Some say “Baby It’s Cold Outside” should be banned because it promotes dangerous, aggressive male behavior towards women.

Some say the song is a classic and banning the song is taking things too far.

Where do I land on the “Baby It’s Cold Ouutside” debate?

I hate that song. Ban it, but not for the social issues. Ban it because it’s a terrible song. Throw a goat at a piano and you’d get better music. And lyrically it sounds as though it were written by a budget-version of Dr. Seuss named Mr. Deuss.

This isn’t the first time I discussed the song, and it won’t be the last. I mentioned it here only because everyone is talking about it now and I feel the need to remind the world that the song is terrible for a wide variety of reasons and not just for the #MeToo implications.

Let’s Lego!

Today I was gifted with… Continue reading →

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