Tag Archives: Video Games

2018 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 21

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I got through Death Mountain in Zelda 2. It was hell. It was pure hell.

The maze of caves and enemies seemed impossible. As soon as I reached the other side of the mountain, I would be easily killed by a random enemy and had to do the entire maze ALL OVER AGAIN!

And then, your reward for getting to the other side is ANOTHER cave you must fight through to get the hammer. And if you die in there, you have to go ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE BEGINNING! Just for a dumb-ass hammer!

But, it is now the longest and darkest night of the year and it’s only fitting to spend it playing the longest and darkest game of all time.

Keep in mind, getting through Death Mountain leads you to the third palace. The third one. I’m only on the third “level” of this nightmare. There are six palaces in all. If I make it through this, I should win a car.

Speaking of prizes, in today’s Lego Calendar we find… Continue reading →

2018 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 13

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Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link is too hard.

After defeating the first Zelda, I felt it was time to tackle the NES sequel. I know it’s a different type of game, with side-scrolling action and a weird overworld map to navigate, but I didn’t expect it to be so hard.

It took me most of the night just to get through the first palace and I was crying rage tears the entire time. My teeth are still clenched so tight that the pressure is making diamonds out of my fillings.

I know vintage NES games are tough. I grew up playing them. We were tougher back then, I guess.

Or, more likely, we only had one or two video games to play and so kids worked hard at these games because it was better than homework or sitting around outside naming constellations — the only two other pastimes in the pre-internet 1980s.

I haven’t given up…yet.

My this time tomorrow, I hope to have conquered the second palace. And I want to beat the game by Christmas. Between beating Zelda and making gingerbread men, I’m setting up all sorts of future disappointments this month! Yay!

Yesterday we got an ice cream machine. And today we get… Continue reading →

2018 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 6

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Big news: Last night I beat the original Legend of Zelda for the NES.

I’m proud of myself.

I have beaten the game only once before, many years ago. And while this second victory isn’t as grand as the first, I’m still riding a high comparable to that of taking cocaine for the first time. (I assume.)

While I was a Nintendo kid growing up in the 1980s, Zelda was never a favorite until later in life. When Little Kid Dan borrowed the game from friends, it seemed too hard and strange. Mario made sense to me — run to the right as hard as you can and kill turtles. But Zelda let you go in any direction, with little guidance except for a few cryptic (and mistranslated?) clues. My eight-year-old brain couldn’t handle it.

What was I supposed to do? Go in that door? Is that the right door? Should I not go in that door? Am I doing this wrong? WHERE ARE TURTLES I CAN KILL?!

I love the game now. It’s probably my favorite of the old 8-bit days, even beating out Super Mario 1, 2 and 3.

But Little Kid Dan hated the game, despite my mom’s best efforts.

I don’t know how my mom found out about Zelda but she tried on several occasions to get my brother and I into the game. She was fascinated by the idea of exploring and finding secrets. Something about the game spoke to her and she wanted me to own this magical treasure of a game. However, when writing my wish list to Santa, Zelda never made the cut. I didn’t want Zelda. And so my house was Zelda-free for years…too many years. (I did own an NES game called Werewolf: The Last Warrior. It was terrible.)

I was a fool. My mom was right. Sorry mom!

It wasn’t until the game was re -released on the Gameboy Advanced in the early 2000s that I played through the whole thing. By then, I had already devoured the SNES and Nintendo 64 versions of the legend. And my favorite was the old Gameboy adventure Link’s Awakening — an odd addition to the series that seems to be slightly forgotten.

Playing the original game, even in a world of fancy graphics and high-tech zip-zaps, was a joy.

I love it!

What does all this have to do with a Lego Advent Calendar? Not one damn thing.

Behind today’s door we find… Continue reading →

Zelda: Breath of the Wild Review (By Someone Who Hasn’t Played It)

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The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is not only the best video game, it’s the best event a human can experience. From graphics to gameplay, this is Nintendo’s masterpiece — a game so well made that it will anger you to know other video games exist at all. There is no other game, only Zelda: Breath of the Wild. This game belongs perched next to the Mona Lisa, and that our government has not yet publicly praised the game is proof that America does not work.

While playing the game, a light appeared in my mind, and from that light I heard the voices of the dead and they said onto me, “Peace,” and there was peace.

To the pathetic, vulgar mammals who know not of the game, Breath of the Wild is an open-world Zelda adventure in which you guide Link through dungeons and puzzles. This is a launch title for Nintendo’s new Switch console, a device that is equal parts Bible and poem. Failure to buy the system is failure to live a purposed life. Of that, we cannot disagree. Continue reading →