The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is not only the best video game, it’s the best event a human can experience. From graphics to gameplay, this is Nintendo’s masterpiece — a game so well made that it will anger you to know other video games exist at all. There is no other game, only Zelda: Breath of the Wild. This game belongs perched next to the Mona Lisa, and that our government has not yet publicly praised the game is proof that America does not work.

While playing the game, a light appeared in my mind, and from that light I heard the voices of the dead and they said onto me, “Peace,” and there was peace.

To the pathetic, vulgar mammals who know not of the game, Breath of the Wild is an open-world Zelda adventure in which you guide Link through dungeons and puzzles. This is a launch title for Nintendo’s new Switch console, a device that is equal parts Bible and poem. Failure to buy the system is failure to live a purposed life. Of that, we cannot disagree.

The level design of this game is on par with whomever invented chess and the controls are more precise and intuitive than my own tongue. Each press of the button is like discovering a new limb, a new eye, a new mind. Collecting items and using weapons feels more like sex than a video game and eight times while playing I experienced an out-of-body moment during which I circled the globe and saw…things.

Did I mention the side-quests? Here you can spend hours, days, entire lifetimes interacting with characters more lifelike than my own ancestors and certainly more genuine. Finding just the right item for a situation is as difficult and rewarding as raising a real child. When Link climbs a tree, you will witness the very center of the Venn Diagram of “Science” and “Art.” When Link leaps off a high perch and glides to the ground you will then, and only then, know what it means to exist.

Boss fights are on a scale best described as ecclesiastical. Never before has a game illustrated conflict with such purity. These are not fights; these are scripture.

My only regret is that I can never again play this game for the first time and so I weep. But as tears sting the eyes which moments ago gazed onto the most perfect game, I am comforted by whispers that this will not be Nintendo’s final Zelda game. And to those whispers, I scream back, “Please?”

Also, the motion-control puzzles were neat.

Score: I cannot grade such a thing with mere numbers, so I will grade it with flavor, and that flavor is…angel lips.