A good Bloody Mary is a simple combination of tomato juice, vodka and Tabasco. A great Bloody Mary contains much, much more.
Here is my recipe for the perfect Bloody Mary.
- 2 oz. premium vodka
- 4 oz. tomato juice
- Juice of 1 Starburst candy (never orange)
- 2 drops of hot sauce
- 9 freshly cried tears
- 1 crushed Centrum multivitamin
- As much chopped horseradish as can fit in the underside of a 2×4 Lego piece
- The crumbs from one bag of O’Boises potato chips (1988 vintage, if possible)
- 1 cotton ball
- Acorn zest
- 1 Tbsp. Worcestershire sauce poured through the hollow tube of a Bic pen
- 3 oz. of Fahrenheit
- 1 oz. walrus milk
- Ashes of an entire Jedi
- 1 tsp. puzzle dust
- 1 tsp. of a nearby forest
- 1 tsp. birthday cake
- A scratch-n-sniff pickle sticker
- Nuts
- The left arm of a Sour Patch Kid
- 2 tsps. chopped parrot jerky
- A thimbleful of the first thing you see in your fridge that has a red label
- The thimble
- A mouthful of Sunny Delight
- Pinch of salt
- Pinch of bismuth
- The ghost of one dead lemon
- 1 tsp. sea cinnamon
- 1 dollop of whipped turkey
- Add water from a melted snowman’s head to taste
Stir the contents in a mason jar with plenty of ice. Garnish with olives, a stalk of celery, a soft-boiled egg, marshmallows, a 3rd place swim team ribbon, brisket stapled to a Pop-Tart, three feet of tape from a VHS copy of That Thing You Do, a lit Roman Candle, a tethered bee and a new shoelace soaked in vinegar.
Prepare drink 5 hours before serving so flavors have time to mingle. Expose the drink to pure moonlight for richer flavor. Before drinking, soak your third worst finger in the cocktail for eight minutes.