It’s hard enough finding a leprechaun, getting one to agree to an interview is nearly impossible. Luckily, through a friend of a friend, I was able to find a leprechaun willing to go on record about Saint Patrick’s Day and leprechaun culture. Sly-Robert was born (or hatched…leprechauns are coy about their birth process) in Ireland and moved to Orlando, FL in the 1980s. He’s since moved from forest to forest across the United States. I invited him to the studio and after a few rounds of strong tea, he finally began to open up.

DAN BERGSTEIN: Thanks for making the time. This must be a busy time of year for you?
SLY-ROBERT: It’s busy, but honestly there’s not much for me to do officially. It’s not like I have to make toys or hide eggs. It’s pretty much…I have to hide. That’s it. I hide on St. Pat’s Day and if someone catches me during that day, they get my gold.

Has anyone ever found you?
Nope. I’ve been doing this for 377 years and no one has found me…ever.

That must feel good. It’s quite an accomplishment.
It’s okay. It’s weird. You do this long enough without being found and you start to get a little crazy. For a few decades I was convinced that I was dead and that’s why no one could find me. That was a dark time. But now things are better. It’s still fun I guess.

Where are some of your favorite hiding spots?
Like I’m going to tell you where I hide. Nice try. Look, it’s different every year. One year I was in an attic in Denver. Nine years ago I hid in France at this perfume shop. I’ve hidden on trains and in planes. I’ve hidden inside backpacks at Middle Schools. A few times I hid inside the Liberty Bell. I thought for sure someone would spot me, but it never happened.

What was it like growing up as a Leprechaun?
I don’t know how to answer that. I’ve always been a Leprechaun. It’s like me asking you, “What was it like growing up human?” I’m not trying to be a jerk. Honest. I mean, there’s a real ugly stereotype that leprechauns are jerks — that we’re mean or play tricks. That’s ignorant. That’s part of the reason I agreed to this interview. It’s not like I need the press.

What do most people wrongly assume about leprechauns?
Where to start? First, we don’t grant wishes. I mean, sure…some of us grant wishes but that’s just a few random ‘Chauns in the North. And honestly, I shouldn’t say this because it’ll turn into a whole thing, but honestly, those guys are more imp than leprechaun. You have to trace their family trees back, and it’s not like being part-imp is bad. It’s just…there’s differences. This gets sticky. It’s not like I think imps are bad or that imps and leprechauns shouldn’t get married. Do whatever you want. Whatever makes you happy, right? But…there’s a culture that gets muddled. I’m really digging myself deeper here. Let’s move on.

So you don’t grant wishes?
Me personally? No. No I don’t. I don’t even know how that’s done. There’s a spell.

Can you perform any magic?
A little. It was easier when I was younger. I was pretty good at plant stuff — making plants grow, vines and stuff. It’s more difficult now. I think the trees are harder these days. I can probably make a cactus limb strangle a bird or something. I can show you…

No, that’s not necessary. You don’t use magic often?
Sometimes I’ll snap my fingers and make sparks to start a fire. That’s only when I’m camping. And I ride on rainbows, of course. Faster than walking.

Is there anything about human culture that you don’t understand?
Cars. You people love cars. All of your commercials are for cars or car insurance and there are car stores everywhere. I don’t get it. You’re in the car and you drive for, like, three seconds and then you have to stop at a light or a red-sign. And then you go for another three seconds. Start, stop, start, stop. That’s frustrating. But hey, I can’t drive. I don’t know how it feels. I’m only a foot tall, so I’ll never know. Maybe it’s fun. I don’t get it though. Also, I never got into Star Wars.

What can you tell us about your gold?
Not much. Is there gold? Yes. Is it a lot of gold? Not really. It’s one pot. And the pot isn’t like some epic cauldron. It’s a pot, the size you use for heating oatmeal. People have this conception that the pot is bigger than a house. Come on! How does that even make sense?

How much is in the pot?
The value fluctuates. At its peak, there was about $70,000 in there. I used a little of the money to buy clothes and stuff, and I add a little after I sell off some handicrafts.

Handicrafts?
During the off-season I make bookmarks out of pressed leaves and I sell them at the market.

That’s adorable.
I also steal.

Steal?
It’s something I’d rather not go into. Let’s just say even if I were the freakin’ Steve Jobs of bookmarks, I couldn’t amass a $70,000 fortune. That’s simple dollars and cents. The money’s gotta come from somewhere, right? Don’t ask where. You won’t like the answer.

Are you married?
Short answer: No. Long answer: You’d have to ask Tracy.

Tracy?
We’re off and on, hot and cold. Right now we’re kind of making it work. I’m helping her with her album. When there’s a project involved, we tend to get along. It’s when we’re both out of work that things get bad.

Is Tracy a leprechaun?
Yes, but she converted.

She was human?
Until high school. Then her parents let her choose. It’s happening more and more. You’d be surprised.

How do you prepare for St. Patrick’s Day?
The key to hiding is controlling your breath. So before the big day I’ll train with breathing exercises and yoga for a month. You gotta approach this seriously. Some young ‘Chauns stroll into the big day without any practice and then some little kid hears them huffing and puffing in a cupboard and…tah-dah…the cool-guy leprechaun is forking over a pot of gold to a kid not old enough to see a PG-13 movie. It’s funny, man. So yeah…breathing exercises. Also, you have to eat right. You’re, hopefully, going a full day without eating or moving, so you have to eat well before you hide. I try to eat four major meals the day before.

What do leprechauns eat?
Children’s noses. Just kidding. I eat a lot of bird meat, raw if possible. And brown rice. And potatoes.

What’s the relationship between leprechauns and birds?
This is about what happened in Australia? That wasn’t our fault.

But leprechauns have warred with birds in the past, no?
We defended ourselves, sure. History books tell you we’re the bad guys — we’re the ones who tried to capture all the birds and use them as transportation and labor — we’re the ones who invaded the sky during the First Rainbow War. It’s not like that. It’s…this goes back for centuries. The birds were picking us off the ground and eating us whole. It’s gruesome. People forget that. And it’s not like we were the only ones enslaving birds. There were pixies and gremlins involved too. You don’t hear about them, because…I don’t know why. Maybe they have better PR. But it’s complicated. My fight isn’t with the birds — it’s with anyone who threatens me. That may include birds, sure, but it could be snakes and squirrels too. Some species eat leprechauns, and leprechauns fight back. That’s as simple as I can make it. And what happened in Australia last week? That’s tragic. Of course it is. But I’m also not the spokesperson for all leprechauns. I denounce what happened. If that’s what you’re after, then there it is. I denounce those events. 100%.

Moving on, do you own any charms?
Come on! That’s racist. That right there is the problem with everything. Hey, maybe I own charms. Maybe I have a lucky compass that I wear around my neck, and maybe that compass always points to treasure. But just because I’m leprechaun, doesn’t mean I automatically…it’s messed up. I’m regretting this interview. Come on! Seriously? I’m not leaving, but yeah…tread lightly, friend.

I apologize. Let’s get back to Saint Patrick’s Day. How will you spend the day after?
If no one finds me?

Yeah.
If no one finds me, I do a little celebrating. It’s a tradition I have. Nothing fancy. I’m too old to go partying all night. So it’ll be a small celebration, maybe a nice meal at a reasonable restaurant. If Tracy is talking to me, she comes along.

Does Tracy hide on Saint Patrick’s Day?
Yeah. But it’s easier for humans who have converted to leprechauns. They look like normal humans. So no one throws a net over them and demands a pot of gold. She can probably walk around the mall like normal and nothing will happen. She hasn’t been caught.

Does she have a pot of gold?
Yeah. We keep our pots separate. It’s a sore subject with her, but it’s just easier that way.

What happens if you do get caught this year?
I lose the gold. That’s the big thing. Then it’s a matter of saving your dignity among the other leprechauns. Our culture can be catty. But I’m not expecting to get caught.

Without giving too much away, what’s at the end of the rainbow?
Louis.

Louis?
He’s in charge of security. He watches the pots. Good guy. We go back a ways.

Is he a leprechaun?
No. He was raised Orc, but I think his real parents were werewolf. He’s got werewolf in him.

I wish you luck this year. Thank you so much for your time. This was great.
Sure. And look, I’m sorry if I was being aggressive. Really. I know you’re just doing your job. It’s cool. We’re cool.

No hard feelings.
And check out Tracy’s album, “Luck Key.” It’s available on her Facebook now. They’re just demos, but totally solid.