2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 6

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Minutes after posting yesterday’s blog, I realized the Gingerbread House can also double as a holiday board game.

Mrs. Claus called it “Ho-Ho-Go” but Melvin suspected she was making up the rules as she went.

MRS. CLAUS: Now, I attack W-7.
MELVIN: W-7?
MRS. CLAUS: Yes, dear. I attack W-7 with my Alliance Army. I win. I get $40.
MELVIN: Oh. Okay.
MRS. CLAUS: $40, dear.
MELVIN: Real money?
MRS. CLAUS: I’m sorry dear. Would you rather play dot-to-dot coloring book? Maybe have a rousing round of pretend tag? Or did you come here to play the game?
MELVIN: When is Mr. Claus coming home?
MRS. CLAUS: You can win your money back. Double or nothing. I’ll even give you eight bonus cards and corn abilities. Shall we go again!
MELVIN: I don’t understand what’s happening in this game.
MRS. CLAUS: You’ll get the hang of it. Set up the golf balls and I’ll deal out the murder suspects.

Now that the Gingerbread House can double as a game board, it’s officially the best piece of the calendar so far.

We’re due for another figure, unless this entire world is Mevlin’s to rule. Who is hiding behind today’s door? Continue reading →

2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 5

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Maybe this is your first time reading these, and as such I failed to introduce you to one of the very best Christmas presents I’ve ever recieved: Robot Snowman.

Born on the first day of my first Lego Advent Calendar, Robot Snowman has been a part of my annual holiday festivities for seven years. He lives on my desk year-round keeping watch over the world and keeping all questions about human culture to himself for fear that I would ridicule him if he dared asked, “Why do humans cry?” or “Can you eat with your butt?”

Robot Snowman is older now, the finger of his arm has broken off in a tragedy he only speaks of in broken, cryptic phrases late at night. “Damn you, gravity!” The how and why of his black hair can be found by meticulously reading all of these blogs in order.

If you see him pop up in these photos, now you know why. He is my Robot Snowman. He is my Christmas.

Today the calendar offers us… Continue reading →

2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 4

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I had to go to Target yesterday and buy a strand of lights for my Christmas tree. (Never buy a pre-lit Christmas tree. I did and now, ten years later, I have a tree with a full strand of dead lights that are woven and welded and fused with the tree in such a manner that it would take Dumbledore and the Infinity Gauntlet working in tandem to separate the lights from the tree.)

Purchasing lights at Target should have been easy, but thanks to shopping carts it turned into a nine-hour battle. These wheeled road blocks made navigating the aisles impossible. I was trapped in the corridors of commerce and if I stopped to weep, I would hear the hungry roar of the Minotaur as it hunted in its labyrinth made not of stone but reasonably-priced merchandise! Or maybe I was just cranky.

I understand the need for shopping carts, but it’s a common courtesy to park your cart along the side of the aisle. If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle, perpendicular to the walls, then yes, I will toss a raw egg into your cart. And what can you do about that? Call the police? Ha!

Today the Lego calendar coughs up… Continue reading →

2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 3

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Before we begin, I’m still confused. Every year this songs hurts my brain. It…it doesn’t make word-sense. What the hell do these Kenny Loggins’ lyrics mean:

Please, celebrate me home,
Give me a number,
Please, celebrate me home
Play me one more song.

The first part sounds like a caveman asking for birthday cake.

The second part? Is “number” a slang term for a song? Is the guy a character in The Great Gatsby? “Why don’t you play a number, old chap, and then razzle-dazzle on the toots because America is a dream that never, ever ends, old chap!”

I complain about a lot of Christmas songs, but this so-called classic is confusing. Celebrate me home? Like…have a party around me as I walk to the front door? Or is it some ego thing. “I demand you sound the trumpets for my arrival, for I, the golden child, have returned!” I don’t get it. Sure…sure…the song is about a sad man being lonely, but that doesn’t mean you can disregard basic speech patterns and word usage. Might as well sing:

Please, happy me in a car…

And that doesn’t sound good at all.

Today is Day 3, and on Day 3 we get… Continue reading →

2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 2

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A few people have let me know they’ve been reading this Lego blog since I first started seven years ago. That’s amazing! Thank you!

Seven years! We could have all gone through med school by now or traveled cross-country on the backs of two turtles that we wear as turtle-skates and — Ooh! I have another idea to add to my “Children’s Book Pitches” notebook. [Dan adds “Group of people go to med school” to his ideas binder.]

Back when I started this, I was just a naive calendar opener, still using a flash when taking photos and on a desperate hunt for “Sausage Girl.” It was a different time. Gas cost a nickel, there was no sadness and [insert topical Matt Lauer joke]. Things have changed.

But at least I know the Lego Calendar will continue to spit out sacred items of joy on a daily basis in December. You can’t take that away from me.

And today we get… Continue reading →

2017 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 1

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Ho-ho-ho and welcome back to the annual opening of the Lego Advent Calendar!

Each year I crack open a toy calendar and marvel a the bits of brightly colored hardened oil that tumble out. While each year has its highs (Naked Santa) and lows (a purse), there is enough holiday cheer in these boxes to make me come back again and again. This year is a return to the classic Lego City Advent Calendar. I’ve been away too long!

Last year I opened a very nice, but too easy, Playmobil calendar which redeemed itself in the final days thanks to a goddamn electrical glowing rock and ghost pirate. The two years before that, I was in a Star Wars state of mind and opened the over-priced and somewhat bland Lego Star Wars Advent Calendars.

But it’s back to the original this year! Lego City! Hell yeah! This is what I need. This is what we all need.

If this is your first time here, take a few days and scroll through the previous calendars:

Year One
Year Two
Year Three – The bad time.
Year Four
Year Five
Year Six
Year Seven – Playmobil a’hoy!

As you know, the one thing I hoped to gain from each and every toy calendar I open is a Mrs. Claus. Though I now have about nine Lego Santa Clauses — some naked, some Darth Vader-ed — Lego has yet to provide a Mrs. Claus in the calendars. But just when all hope was lost…

My girlfriend, who is wonderful, ordered a Lego Mrs. Claus for me last Christmas! You may have missed her during the Christmas Eve and Christmas Day celebrations, so allow me to reintroduce you to Mrs. Delores Claus.

Mrs. Claus is every Golden Girls rolled into one. She has sat on my desk since last Christmas, waiting and waiting to be part of the calendar fun. You’ll be seeing more of her this year.

And speaking of my wonderful girlfriend (who also wraps the Lego calendar box so that I can’t see any spoilers on the cover), she is opening her own Playmobil calendar over on her Instagram account. She’s also opening an advent calendar that’s all different colored yarn. So yeah, we really, really enjoy counting to 24.

Now that Mrs. Claus is part of the collection, what am I expecting in this year’s calendar? Another Mrs. Claus would be nice, but honestly I just want some goofy Christmas junk. And clear pieces. You know I love clear pieces. If you don’t, then you don’t know me at all and I will kindly ask you to leave.

Let’s get to it and start this 24-day countdown to Jesus!

The first item is… Continue reading →

50 Story Ideas for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo)

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Writing a novel is hard. Writing a novel in one month is almost impossible! November is National Novel Writing Month, a fun event that dares you to write an entire novel in thirty stressful days. But time is already running out! Where will you get your ideas? Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered. If you’re stuck for a story idea or plot, turn any of these into a bestselling novel!

1. An orphan is having a hell of a time.
2. Three friends become friends with another human person.
3. A magic tiger just can’t seem to get it together.
4. Petunia discovers all sorts of things regarding a variety of topics.
5. A character changes as a result of several events.
6. The Old Navy store is closed, but the parking lot is full.
7. Gender-swapped Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
8. A story about a bee named Tapioca.
9. Pool party at Harriett’s!
10. Three dogs are transported. Continue reading →

An Android’s Dream: The Legacy of Blade Runner

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Released in 1982, Blade Runner remains a pillar of science fiction standing shoulder to shoulder with the Star Wars series, The Muppet Movie, Tremors, Lawnmower Man and Jumper as being one of the greatest sci-fi worlds ever visualized on screen. With the release of the long-awaited sequel, Blade Runner 2049: Blade Runnest, it’s time to look back at director Ridley Scott’s original masterpiece to find out how it was made and why it remains a beloved film.

A Novel Idea
Based on the Philip K. Dick novel, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, which itself was based on the Presbyterian hymn “Jesus Don’t Make No Robots,” the movie took audiences members on a tour of the future and dared to asked the important question: Are flying cars filled with helium?

After the success of Star Wars, Mary Poppins and The Wizard of Oz, Hollywood was chomping at the bit to make another fantasy science fiction film, and Dick’s novel, about a futuristic cop and a surf contest to save the old library, was perfectly suited for the big screen. British director Ridley Scott, hot of the success of Alien was brought on board to bring the project to life.

“Before that, I had never heard of Blade Runner,” said Scott in a graduation speech he was rehearsing in front of a mirror. “I had never heard of it because the term ‘Blade Runner’ isn’t in the book. In the book, the cops are called ‘Gun Boys’ and so we had to come up with a new name. And just then my cousin’s toddler Benny came in and he was trying to say ‘Parade Plumber’ — I don’t know why — but he was trying to say it. But he had a speech thing because he was a toddler. So it sounded like Blade Runner. And I paid him $4 for that idea, which is a lot of money for a toddler so I really don’t feel bad about that.” Continue reading →

Pitching “The Three Little Pigs”

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At a pitch meeting in the early 1800s…

Author: And so we have these three pigs, and they’re brothers. The first two pigs are a little lazy and they build their homes out of straw and twigs. And the third pig is very diligent and works hard and builds a home of brick. Everything is fine until the Big Bad Wolf comes and he blows down the first two houses easily. But the pigs are safe in the third house, the one made of brick. And the wolf sneaks down the chimney but the pigs boil him in a cauldron. And the moral of the story is to work hard and plan ahead.

Executive 1: Love it! Love all of it. Love the pigs, the wolf. All of it! Great stuff.

Author: Thank you.

Executive 2: So what happens in the sequel?

Author: Sea? What’s a sea-quill? Continue reading →

Wow, Bob, Wow! A Spoiler-Free Review of the First Two New Twin Peaks Episodes

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There are four episodes of the new Twin Peaks available right now for streaming from Showtime. I’ve seen only the first two. I’m tempted (so very tempted) to go ahead and binge episodes 3 and 4 but I will do my best to keep those episodes floating above my head in the WiFi…for now.

I need to savor this.

Writer/director David Lynch is 71. It is a very real possibility that this will be his last major filmmaking project. I hope it isn’t. I hope he keeps making movies well into his 100s. But…this could be it. Lynch’s previous film, the impenetrable but interesting Inland Empire, was released 11 years ago. Do the math and check the calendars. This could be it. It might be the grand finale of his decade-spanning career. So I don’t want to waste it.

If you can’t tell by now, here’s the review of the first two episodes: I love them. For two hours I watched Lynch (and co-writer Mark Frost) ooze out a surreal mystery that was familiar and strange. It was scary and funny. I’m still thinking about it. All of it. I don’t get it. I don’t really want to get it. I just love it.

People will look for meanings to the imagery, and there are meanings…and double meanings, triple meanings, etc., but there’s also a joy in letting each scene play out like its own short film. If you have trouble understanding it, that’s okay. At the risk of sounding like a hippy: Just let it wash over you, man.

People may not like this new Twin Peaks. It’s not like the old show. Some people just want the show. And Lynch understands that, in his own wonderful way.

Without spoiling much of anything, there’s an early scene in the first episode of two people watching a glass box waiting for something to happen. Something happens to them. If you can’t see the metaphor and subtext of this scene, get out now. This is not for you. IT’S FOR ME!

There will no doubt be dozens of websites popping up that will try to unravel the mystery. There will be YouTube videos of fans picking apart every detail in every scene. And I’ll probably visit these sites over the next few months, if only to catch a better glimpse of a still from an episode or to read the comments. But, and this is important, I’m not sure the whole thing will add up to a reasonable conclusion. I don’t expect that. Then again, Lynch loves to subvert expectations. Who knows? Maybe the final episode of this return will solve all the mysteries succinctly and with sound logic. That’d be different.

I’m letting episodes 3 and 4 alone this week. I’ll watch them later. I’m going to slowly sip this cup of coffee instead of chugging it, because it’s a damn fine cup of coffee but there’s no promise of refills.

For more information on my David Lynch mancrush, read about the time I interviewed Lynch and babbled like a dork. For more information on my Twin Peaks theories, unlock the front door and I will sneak into your bedroom and whisper my thoughts while you slumber.