You have to imagine that one day humans will leave Earth and establish civilizations on other planets and space stations. And when that happens, we will need to adjust the Santa mythos to accommodate interplanetary travel, wildly different time-zones and an overall population increase.
That’s what I plan to think about this weekend instead of getting things done. You should too.
What does the calendar offer us today? Continue reading
Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link is too hard.
After defeating the first Zelda, I felt it was time to tackle the NES sequel. I know it’s a different type of game, with side-scrolling action and a weird overworld map to navigate, but I didn’t expect it to be so hard.
It took me most of the night just to get through the first palace and I was crying rage tears the entire time. My teeth are still clenched so tight that the pressure is making diamonds out of my fillings.
I know vintage NES games are tough. I grew up playing them. We were tougher back then, I guess.
Or, more likely, we only had one or two video games to play and so kids worked hard at these games because it was better than homework or sitting around outside naming constellations — the only two other pastimes in the pre-internet 1980s.
I haven’t given up…yet.
My this time tomorrow, I hope to have conquered the second palace. And I want to beat the game by Christmas. Between beating Zelda and making gingerbread men, I’m setting up all sorts of future disappointments this month! Yay!
Yesterday we got an ice cream machine. And today we get… Continue reading
My goal this season is to make gingerbread men.
To accomplish this goal, I have told many people that I will make gingerbread men. The first step to baking is to inflate your confidence and get downright cocky about your baking ability. Done!
Now I’m beholden to this promise. People are expecting gingerbread men. And I cannot let them down.
Problem: I have never made gingerbread men, or gingerbread anything. But that means I have beginner’s luck on my side.
I feel good about this.
I don’t yet have the ingredients, or cookie cutters, or icing, or time. And my oven is possessed by a ghost who refuses to let things bake properly. But I won’t let that hold me back. In the coming days, I will let you know how Operation: Enduring Ginger progresses. And if you don’t hear anything else about Operation: Enduring Ginger, assume the mission was a failure as I perform a political cover-up worthy of an Oliver Stone movie.
Side Note: If I’m making cookies for Christmas Eve/Day, when should I bake them? How long can ginger cookies last before going stale? A day? Two days? What if I cover the cookies in wood lacquer? Can you just come over and do it for me?
Spoiler alert: Today’s Lego item is among the best.
It’s… Continue reading
Do you have five minutes? Listen to Eric Clapton’s new version of “Jingle Bells.”
It’s beyond terrible.
It has NOTHING to do with Jingle Bells.
You could call this song “Sex Foot” and it would make as much sense.
Did Clapton hit the “demo” button on his Casio keyboard and call it a day?
Sure, there is a very brief “chorus” of someone “singing” “Jingle Bells” but most of this song sounds like music heard over the end credits of a NetFlix movie about a drug deal gone bad.
It’s so awful that I almost love it. Almost.
Well, if guitar legends cashing in on techno-fart holiday music didn’t get you in the Christmas spirit, maybe the Lego calendar can help. Today we get… Continue reading
I haven’t seen a lot of new movies this year.
As such, it’s very difficult for me to make an honest Top 10 list for 2018.
Instead, here are my picks for the best movies of 2019!
1. Cheez-Its: Cheddar Chronicles Volume 1
2. Pop-Pop’s Flamethrower
3. Joel?
4. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them 3: Paddington Unleashed
5. Pixar’s The Catcher in the Rye
6. The Conjuring vs. The Fast and Furious
7. Charlie Bit My Finger
8. Vegetable Fiddle
9. Goblin Chainsaw 9: Death Prom
10. Acoustic Indie Movie About Cold Weather and Choices
Trust me on Goblin Chainsaw. Trust me.
And now it’s time to find out what’s behind the 10th door of the Lego Advent Calendar! Any guesses? It’s… Continue reading
Sometimes you need to make your own fun. I picked up this wind-up toy at a craft store when it was on sale for $2. Honestly, even at two bucks I feel slightly ripped off, but if you want a wind-up toy you can paint, beggars cannot be choosers.
The set includes three tiny tubs of paint, and not nearly enough colors to decorate this toy as depicted on the back of the package.
How am I supposed to make all those colors? Red plus gold does NOT make flesh tone.
The good news is I always have extra paint because I’m living my best life.
The better news is that I ditched the acrylic paints and spray-painted this guy pink and metallic silver.
It’s my crowning achievement of the year. I should win the Pulitzer Prize for Santa Painting. (Please vote for me!)
Though hard to tell from the photos, the wind-up toy looks incredible. The silvery metallic screams “Robot!” and the hints of pink whisper, “Cosmic elf.” It’s the type of object you’d buy at an antique store at the center of the moon.
And the wind-up mechanism works rather well for a junky toy.
I love it. If the craft store still has these, I may just make an army of antique pink robot elves.
Try to stop me.
Speaking of robots, in today’s calendar we find… Continue reading
The Lego Calendar is a symphony, with each of the three weeks acting like a movement and Day 24 is the godly finale.
The first week/movement is a bombastic start to grab your attention. Weeks/movements 2 and 3 give you time to reflect on the themes established in the first. And everything comes together with Day 24. (Hey music students, use this as your thesis! It’s my gift to you!)
Thus far, the Lego calendar is performing a lovely symphony. I’m tapping my toe to the beat and humming the catchy tune. The symphony may turn dark, even atonal, but for now it’s upbeat and pleasant.
As we enter week 2, it’s time to relax in my seat, sit back and enjoy the nuance and subtext of this symphonic calendar.
Today we get… Continue reading
I watched Krampus, the 2016 Christmas horror movie starring Adam Scott and Toni Collette. It’s…kinda great.
It’s not on par with Gremlins, the king of holiday horror-comedy, but it’s in the same goofy ballpark. This movie gets wonderfully weird and silly-in-a-good-way.
If you’re up to your ears with sappy and sweet holiday crap, I recommend Krampus as a nice reminder that there’s more to this season than movies about a single woman in a small town who used to star on Full House.
Also, while Krampus is a horror movie, it’s not super-duper scary. And it has some great production design. Give it a shot. It won’t change the world, but it’s 90 minutes of PG-13 fun horror holiday mayhem.
Today the Lego Calendar offers us… Continue reading
Big news: Last night I beat the original Legend of Zelda for the NES.
I’m proud of myself.
I have beaten the game only once before, many years ago. And while this second victory isn’t as grand as the first, I’m still riding a high comparable to that of taking cocaine for the first time. (I assume.)
While I was a Nintendo kid growing up in the 1980s, Zelda was never a favorite until later in life. When Little Kid Dan borrowed the game from friends, it seemed too hard and strange. Mario made sense to me — run to the right as hard as you can and kill turtles. But Zelda let you go in any direction, with little guidance except for a few cryptic (and mistranslated?) clues. My eight-year-old brain couldn’t handle it.
What was I supposed to do? Go in that door? Is that the right door? Should I not go in that door? Am I doing this wrong? WHERE ARE TURTLES I CAN KILL?!
I love the game now. It’s probably my favorite of the old 8-bit days, even beating out Super Mario 1, 2 and 3.
But Little Kid Dan hated the game, despite my mom’s best efforts.
I don’t know how my mom found out about Zelda but she tried on several occasions to get my brother and I into the game. She was fascinated by the idea of exploring and finding secrets. Something about the game spoke to her and she wanted me to own this magical treasure of a game. However, when writing my wish list to Santa, Zelda never made the cut. I didn’t want Zelda. And so my house was Zelda-free for years…too many years. (I did own an NES game called Werewolf: The Last Warrior. It was terrible.)
I was a fool. My mom was right. Sorry mom!
It wasn’t until the game was re -released on the Gameboy Advanced in the early 2000s that I played through the whole thing. By then, I had already devoured the SNES and Nintendo 64 versions of the legend. And my favorite was the old Gameboy adventure Link’s Awakening — an odd addition to the series that seems to be slightly forgotten.
Playing the original game, even in a world of fancy graphics and high-tech zip-zaps, was a joy.
I love it!
What does all this have to do with a Lego Advent Calendar? Not one damn thing.
Behind today’s door we find… Continue reading
What do I listen to during the hours it takes to open an advent calendar and write about six Lego bricks each day?
This Christmas music playlist on Spotify that I curated.
It’s filled with nearly 9 hours of Christmas music and it keeps me company in December.
And yes, the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack counts as Christmas music — because it certainly isn’t Easter music.
In today’s calendar we find… Continue reading