Monster of the Day #2: Jack-In-The-Throat

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Name: Jack-In-The-Throat

Real Name: Jackson-In-The-Esophagus

Powers: Lives inside a person’s throat, sometimes for years without the person knowing. Armed with a toothpick, he rips out of the throat when anyone says, “Pop goes the weasel.” For this reason, it’s advised that you avoid preschools if you suspect Jackson is dwelling in your throat, as preschoolers are the most likely to say, “Pop goes the weasel.” Also stay away from 1990’s hip-hop phenomenon, 3rd Base.

Weaknesses: Sour milk mixed with Altoids and ketchup. Lava.

Description: About the size of a peanut. Wears a dopey hat. Carries a toothpick. Very tiny yin-yang tattoo on his left shoulder.

Origin: Jackson is a mischief fiend. His mother was a demon, which explains his evil tendencies. His father was a peanut, which explains his small size.

Rules: Jackson will crawl into your mouth when you’re sleeping, but only during Toyota-thon.

Monster of the Day #1: The Grinsect

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Tired of the same monsters being used in movies, books, TV shows, and breakfast cereal culture, I have challenged myself to come up with a new monster every day until I die. (Weekends, birthdays, holidays, and days when I’m sleepy do not count.) Below is the first entry.

Name: The Grinsect

Real Name: Unknown…though it’s probably Andrew or something like Andrew.

Powers: Mental control of all ladybugs. He is also very good at chess and Harry Potter Scene-It.

Weaknesses: Lava, water from the park’s water fountain, bullets made of hair.

Origin: The ancient demon once lived in palace made of live ladybugs in a realm of clouds. He was summoned to Earth by a wealthy businessman who accidentally uttered the summoning spell while trying to order a ridiculously named coffee drink. The demon possessed the man’s body. The business man now disguises himself at night and lurks in dimly lit parking lots, killing the unfortunate with his mastery of ladybugs. The demon must eat 1,000 fresh gallbladders before it can return to its ladybug palace.

Rules: He only kills people that complain about the misuse of the word “literally.”

Description: He wears a plain red mask and a dark black cape to hide his identity. In the summer, he wears a short cape and evil flip flops. He smells distinctly of ladybug urine.

Parade Magazine Questions: Round 4

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The humming noise you hear means it’s time once again for me to answer questions sent in to Parade Magazine’s Personality Parade.



A: What situation are you in that suddenly Kathleen Turner’s acting career needed to be clarified? Are you currently being held captive by a madman who demands you answer bizarre, nightmarish question or else he’ll eat your toes? If so, send another letter to Parade Magazine inquiring about how Hulk Hogan spends his free time. We will save you, Val. Never give up!

A: It’s actually a carefully crafted top secret message that gives the “go code” for an assassination mission in Peru. Your keen eyes caught the cryptic comment. Impressive. Have you thought of working for the government? Here’s another puzzle for you to solve: When it’s raining, umbrellas are useful.

A: Yep. Thanks for writing to Parade Magazine. It can be very tricky using the internet to find answers for questions like this. Granted, you would have found the answer even if you typed “Patrik Warrbnit Faml Gyy” or any variation of those letters into any blank space on any webpage, phone screen, or calculator. You could have also whispered your question on the wind and chances are good that the wind would reply, “Yes…don’t you have internet?”

A: Well he does now, blabbermouth. Thanks for ruining the surprise. Do you know anyone that wants a “You’re Related to Lincoln” cake? Hate to see this one go to waste. (sigh)

A: What? There must have been a screw up at the post office. Clearly this letter was meant for a different magazine. That would explain why the recent issue of National Geographic had a letter asking if Taylor Lautner enjoyed soup.

The Best Five Dollars I’ve Ever Spent

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Five dollars isn’t much, but for the price of a foot long sandwich I was able to purchase the very best thing I have ever seen in my entire life that costs five dollars. If you think I’m being over enthusiastic about my purchase, wait until the end of the article and ask yourself, “Was Dan being a tad hysterical?” If you answer yes, than you and I can’t be friends.

First some background: Five Below is a chain of stores that offer crap for about $5. It’s like a dollar store, but mildly less depressing. While hunting around the store for goofy presents for my cousin’s birthday, I saw a small box on a lower shelf that called to me and I forgot all about my cousin’s birthday. I picked up the box, blew the dust off it (gross, right?) and saw something that is best shown instead of written about:

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Parade Magazine Questions: Round 3

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Parade Magazine keeps publishing the most amazing letters in their Personality Parade section. Once again, I take a crack at answering these insightful queries.

A: I just called my friend who works closely with the show and she said, “Wow! That’s a much better idea. We were just going to make it into a zany version of Monopoly. But movies? Hmm…you might have something there.” Thanks for the suggestion, Lee. Hollywood will be contacting you shortly to go over specifics.

A: Sadly, the status of this project remains a mystery and we must blindly turn on the TV every morning with fingers crossed, hoping today Elizabeth Berkley will let us into her life.

A: The movie was released three years ago. It was awesome. You didn’t see it? Oh man! You totally missed out! The special effects were amazing! It looked so real. Morgan Freeman smashed it out of the park with this one, friend. So good! And everyone in the theater got free iPods and Target Gift Cards. And then these hot girls were in the theater and they were, like, full on making out!!! And then they looked to everyone in the theater and asked, “Wanna join in?” It was intense! And then this guy who worked at the zoo came and let us all feed a turtle!!!

I can’t believe you missed it! By the way, wasn’t The Dark Knight Rises phenomenal?!

A: I give up. Why? [Dan waits for punch line]

Writing Lesson #4: Outlining Your Novel

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Writing a novel is tough work, but an outline can help you stay focused. Before getting flustered with dialogue and plot, it’s important to create a basic roadmap for the story. I don’t have all the pieces figure out for my new novel “Night Place” but I spent most of the week coming up with the following outline of what I want to accomplish with each chapter. Here is the only way you should ever outline a novel. (Spoiler alerts galore!)

See the exciting conclusion after the jump.

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I’m Off to See the Wizard

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While I was writing about Twilight each week for SparkNotes, three questions kept coming my way from readers:

1. What will you write about after Twilight?
2. Will you write about Harry Potter?
3. If fire isn’t a gas, solid, or liquid does that mean it doesn’t exist?

To answer all three questions, Blogging Harry Potter has begun! (Fine, I can’t answer the third question. Shut up!)

When I started Blogging Twilight, I never thought it would become as popular as it did. Every time I add a new Facebook friend or receive a note from a fan, I blush. It’s wonderful. But it also means I felt pressured to make Blogging Harry Potter just as good.

The problem: I don’t even know what I did that made Blogging Twilight good. I’m like the kid who plays a fighting game, smashes a bunch of buttons and then some fantastic colorful maneuver happens on the screen. You ask the kid, “How did you do that,” and he just stares at you, shrugs, and asks how you got inside his house.

I stared at the blank screen for a few hours not even sure how to begin. Making fun of the books, as I did with Twilight, won’t work because let’s face it, Harry Potter is pretty great. And yet no one would want to read me saying, “This book is soooo goooood!” every week for a year. Finding the right tone is important.

Finally, I decided I was over thinking this, took a deep breath, and just began writing. I’m happy with the result, and something tells me that the articles will get better and I’ll have more fun as I read through the books.

And so I’m here to announce Blogging Harry Potter is up and running. I hope you like it. If you don’t, then you can look forward to my next assignment: Blogging the Alphabet. (I have some rather pointed remarks to make regarding the slutty letter H.)

Parade Magazine Questions: Round 2

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Each week I offer up my own answers to the awe-inspiring questions sent into Parade Magazine’s Walter Scott. Here is this week’s roundup:

A: Good God no! Who told you that?! Who told you that horrible, filthy lie? Sorry for yelling. You didn’t do anything wrong. It must have been scary when someone told you that stuff about Mr. Williams, huh? Well it’s not true and you were right to come to Parade Magazine. You can talk to us about anything. You know that, right? And if Parade Magazine isn’t around, you can always ask a police officer or principal. Now let’s go get milkshakes.

A: While I’m on hold with Hollywood, let me take a few minutes to remind you that America is at war with two (or three) countries right now, tragedy is running rampant around the globe, we’re currently in the midst of The Great Depression II, and the world is running out of bees. But using your one question to inquire about the Twilight house is a good use of…wait…hold on.

[Dan listens to the phone]

Hollywood says the exterior shots are of a real house, but the interiors were built on a soundstage. They also wanted me to remind you that the Smurfs movie is coming out this summer and they ended the call by screaming, “Smurf’s up!”

A: Really, Diane? I can detect the seething sarcasm in your question. Stop being such a bitch. Bonnie doesn’t deserve that.

Dan Answers Parade Magazine’s Mail: Part 1

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Starting this week here at the LaserFarm, I will be unofficially answering the questions sent in to Walter Scott of Parade Magazine. For those unfamiliar with the publication, Parade Magazine comes stuffed into many Sunday newspapers around the country. No one subscribes. You just receive it magically, like a headache. It’s not a bad magazine. Some of the articles are informative and clever. But the first page is devoted to Walter Scott’s “Personality Parade” in which Scott answers hard-hitting questions sent in by readers.

Here’s this week’s round of questions with my new answers.

A: I’m so sorry to learn that there is no internet access in West Palm Beach. You poor thing. The book will be released next week, according to this dream I had. Barnes and Noble’s website confirmed my dream, and a phone call to any book store would do the same. But it was brave of you to ask. And to preemptively answer your next question: Ghostbusters was released in 1984 and Busta Rhymes’ real name is Trevor Tahiem Smith, Jr. Let me know if there’s anything else I can Google for you.

A: Good question! No. He didn’t.

A: Hey Brad “Muckraker” Smith, we need to talk. First, it’s a bit strange that this question bothers you to such an extent that you wrote a letter to a magazine to find the answer. I only imagine your friends and family were tired of telling you, “Dammit Brad, how the hell am I supposed to know?! Go ask Parade!”

Second, is there any answer that will satisfy your curiosity? Sure, I could tell you which songs she sings to her kids, but then you’ll just come back with, “What’s on her iPod?” or, “What three books would she take to a desert island?” And it would devolve into questions such as, “What does her arm hair taste like?” “Are her windows rock-proof?” and, “Due to the Earth’s water cycle, what is the probability that the water I’m drinking was once inside Britney Spears?” I’m cutting you off, Brad. You will thank me later.

That’s it for this week. Tune in next time.