The humming noise you hear means it’s time once again for me to answer questions sent in to Parade Magazine’s Personality Parade.

A: What situation are you in that suddenly Kathleen Turner’s acting career needed to be clarified? Are you currently being held captive by a madman who demands you answer bizarre, nightmarish question or else he’ll eat your toes? If so, send another letter to Parade Magazine inquiring about how Hulk Hogan spends his free time. We will save you, Val. Never give up!

A: It’s actually a carefully crafted top secret message that gives the “go code” for an assassination mission in Peru. Your keen eyes caught the cryptic comment. Impressive. Have you thought of working for the government? Here’s another puzzle for you to solve: When it’s raining, umbrellas are useful.

A: Yep. Thanks for writing to Parade Magazine. It can be very tricky using the internet to find answers for questions like this. Granted, you would have found the answer even if you typed “Patrik Warrbnit Faml Gyy” or any variation of those letters into any blank space on any webpage, phone screen, or calculator. You could have also whispered your question on the wind and chances are good that the wind would reply, “Yes…don’t you have internet?”

A: Well he does now, blabbermouth. Thanks for ruining the surprise. Do you know anyone that wants a “You’re Related to Lincoln” cake? Hate to see this one go to waste. (sigh)

A: What? There must have been a screw up at the post office. Clearly this letter was meant for a different magazine. That would explain why the recent issue of National Geographic had a letter asking if Taylor Lautner enjoyed soup.

Parade Magazine keeps publishing the most amazing letters in their Personality Parade section. Once again, I take a crack at answering these insightful queries.

A: I just called my friend who works closely with the show and she said, “Wow! That’s a much better idea. We were just going to make it into a zany version of Monopoly. But movies? Hmm…you might have something there.” Thanks for the suggestion, Lee. Hollywood will be contacting you shortly to go over specifics.

A: Sadly, the status of this project remains a mystery and we must blindly turn on the TV every morning with fingers crossed, hoping today Elizabeth Berkley will let us into her life.

A: The movie was released three years ago. It was awesome. You didn’t see it? Oh man! You totally missed out! The special effects were amazing! It looked so real. Morgan Freeman smashed it out of the park with this one, friend. So good! And everyone in the theater got free iPods and Target Gift Cards. And then these hot girls were in the theater and they were, like, full on making out!!! And then they looked to everyone in the theater and asked, “Wanna join in?” It was intense! And then this guy who worked at the zoo came and let us all feed a turtle!!!

I can’t believe you missed it! By the way, wasn’t The Dark Knight Rises phenomenal?!

A: I give up. Why? [Dan waits for punch line]

Each week I offer up my own answers to the awe-inspiring questions sent into Parade Magazine’s Walter Scott. Here is this week’s roundup:

A: Good God no! Who told you that?! Who told you that horrible, filthy lie? Sorry for yelling. You didn’t do anything wrong. It must have been scary when someone told you that stuff about Mr. Williams, huh? Well it’s not true and you were right to come to Parade Magazine. You can talk to us about anything. You know that, right? And if Parade Magazine isn’t around, you can always ask a police officer or principal. Now let’s go get milkshakes.

A: While I’m on hold with Hollywood, let me take a few minutes to remind you that America is at war with two (or three) countries right now, tragedy is running rampant around the globe, we’re currently in the midst of The Great Depression II, and the world is running out of bees. But using your one question to inquire about the Twilight house is a good use of…wait…hold on.

[Dan listens to the phone]

Hollywood says the exterior shots are of a real house, but the interiors were built on a soundstage. They also wanted me to remind you that the Smurfs movie is coming out this summer and they ended the call by screaming, “Smurf’s up!”

A: Really, Diane? I can detect the seething sarcasm in your question. Stop being such a bitch. Bonnie doesn’t deserve that.

Starting this week here at the LaserFarm, I will be unofficially answering the questions sent in to Walter Scott of Parade Magazine. For those unfamiliar with the publication, Parade Magazine comes stuffed into many Sunday newspapers around the country. No one subscribes. You just receive it magically, like a headache. It’s not a bad magazine. Some of the articles are informative and clever. But the first page is devoted to Walter Scott’s “Personality Parade” in which Scott answers hard-hitting questions sent in by readers.

Here’s this week’s round of questions with my new answers.

A: I’m so sorry to learn that there is no internet access in West Palm Beach. You poor thing. The book will be released next week, according to this dream I had. Barnes and Noble’s website confirmed my dream, and a phone call to any book store would do the same. But it was brave of you to ask. And to preemptively answer your next question: Ghostbusters was released in 1984 and Busta Rhymes’ real name is Trevor Tahiem Smith, Jr. Let me know if there’s anything else I can Google for you.

A: Good question! No. He didn’t.

A: Hey Brad “Muckraker” Smith, we need to talk. First, it’s a bit strange that this question bothers you to such an extent that you wrote a letter to a magazine to find the answer. I only imagine your friends and family were tired of telling you, “Dammit Brad, how the hell am I supposed to know?! Go ask Parade!”

Second, is there any answer that will satisfy your curiosity? Sure, I could tell you which songs she sings to her kids, but then you’ll just come back with, “What’s on her iPod?” or, “What three books would she take to a desert island?” And it would devolve into questions such as, “What does her arm hair taste like?” “Are her windows rock-proof?” and, “Due to the Earth’s water cycle, what is the probability that the water I’m drinking was once inside Britney Spears?” I’m cutting you off, Brad. You will thank me later.

That’s it for this week. Tune in next time.